A Father's story - pages 1-3

(written on October 20, 2011)

This is my story about Jonn, but instead of starting at the beginning with Jonn’s birth, I want to start with September 23^rd, 2011.

Ana and I were in Honolulu Hawaii. We had arrived on September 19^th and were supposed to be there through November 20^th, 9 weeks. It was obviously a work related trip, but I had only volunteered to lead that trip only if Ana could be with me for the entire time. This was an opportunity of a life time, which would soon be realized as God’s plan, in order to have certain things set in place to help us with our grief.

It was approximately 3:51pm (Honolulu time) on Friday September 23^rd when I received a call from an LAPD officer. When he identified himself and mentioned Jonn’s name, I instantly thought that Jonn had been in an accident and was hurt. The officer quickly corrected me and said that Jonn was running with his ROTC unit at Loyola Marymount University, and that they had suspected that Jonn had once again developed heat exhaustion or suffered from dehydration. The “again” statement was because on September 9^th, 2011, Jonn was running on the same course and had to cut his run short as he felt dizzy and was having spots in his vision. The September 9^th incident was merely chocked up as dehydration or heat related.

The officer then said that he needed me to come down to the hospital and provide medical information. I quickly told the officer that I was in Honolulu for 9 weeks for work. With a short sigh, the officer asked if Ana could come to the hospital and provide Jonn’s medical history.  I told him that Ana was with me, and that Jonn did not have any medical history. Jonn was in perfect health.

With a bit of hesitance, the officer said:  "Mr. Flath, I do not know how to tell you this. You son passed while running with his ROTC unit."

What? Say that again, my son is not dead!

I’m  sorry sir. You son was running with his ROTC unit and he was feeling dizzy again and stopped running. He sat down and collapsed and stopped breathing. They gave him mouth to mouth resuscitation and the paramedics came and took Jonn to the emergency room but they could not save your son. You son was pronounced dead at 4:58 (California time).

I lost it. I began crying and saying out loud ”no, my son did not die, no my son is not dead”. My closest friend was nearby, along with many others from my work. It is a clustered memory now, but I definitely remember Jamie coming to my side and taking my cell phone. I do not remember if he was talking to the LAPD officer or not. I just know that I was crying and everyone was watching me. I remember praying out loud asking God to give me strength to deal with this, and for me to be able to have the strength to take care of my family. I have no idea how long I prayed, but it was without a doubt, a prayer for strength because I knew without any doubt that Jonn was already in Heaven. And as quickly as I started crying, I stopped because I knew that I had to get organized and prepare for the most difficult moment in my life. 

Ana had called me moments before, telling me that she was going to go for a walk on Waikiki Beach. I had to get her back to the hotel before anyone called her. I needed to ensure that she was in a safe quiet moment and that she would hear the horrific news from me. I quickly composed myself, called Ana, and told her that she had to come back to the hotel real fast for a meeting with my office. I told her that the spouses had to attend the meeting. Without questioning anything, Ana turned around and started walking back. 

I then started going through the list:

I need someone to get us off this island right now.

I need someone to call my boss in LA

I need someone to call my boss in Washington

I need someone to look for Ana in the Lobby.

I need someone to look for Ana at the 2nd floor elevator lobby and bring her through the locked office doors.

I start crying again, and was completely numb. My son has died and we are thousands of miles from Jonn and the rest of our family. Oh my gosh, I have to call them. Robyn, Michelle, Kristy, Paul, My dad. So I called Michelle and right from the beginning.

Michelle, where are you?

With Kristy and the girls at Black Angus in Valencia. Why?

I can tell that there is no way I can tell her without breaking down. I know that if I do that, it will throw Michelle into a huge panic because I will not be able to say Jonn’s name and she might think that I am calling about Ana.

Michelle, I am going to hand the phone over to a friend of mine. I want you to listen to what she has to say.

At that point, I am crying again as Sherlina tries to tell Michelle what happened. This is my biggest regret because Michelle should have heard it from me. Not knowing who she was talking to, Sherlina must have thought that Michelle was in Hawaii with us. She kept telling Michelle to come up stairs. Michelle, not knowing what was going on kept saying that she was not in Hawaii, but was in California. Sherlina finally realized that Michelle could not come and had to be told over the phone, what happened to Jonn. It was chaos because Michelle was already sitting inside the noisy restaurant with Kristy and their daughters. Michelle was getting very upset and emotional and Kristy could see that, but had no idea what was going on…..

I am doing my best to wipe my eyes dry. I did not want Ana to see my eyes before I could tell her.  There was no way I could meet her in the lobby, or at the 2^nd floor elevator lobby. She would know right away. I was walking all over my office wondering where I should be so that when she walks into the office, she does not instantly see that something is wrong. I suddenly realize that the office is not the best place. Our hotel room was 1 floor up and I quickly changed everything:

I cannot tell Ana here in the office, I need to tell her in our room. Tell whoever is in the lobby to bring Ana to our room. Keep someone here on the 2^nd floor in case she is missed in the lobby.  Have Ana brought to our room. She cannot see my face until she gets into the room.

So a small group of us start heading up to the 3^rd floor. My memory of the events are bad now, but I know quite a number of phone calls were placed by either myself or at my direction. It was like being in the middle of a tornado as our world was spinning all over the place. It felt like 10 or 15 minutes before the next sequence of events.

During a point in time, I am not sure if it was on the 2^nd floor or the 3^rd floor, I remember speaking with the emergency room doctor. She told me that she did everything that she could to save Jonn, but that he had actually died before the paramedics had arrived (16 minutes after the 911 phone call we learned later on). She then told me that because there was no trauma as you would find with a car accident or the likes, the Coroner’s office had been notified and that they were going to pick up Jonn’s body within 4 hrs. Here we are in Hawaii, and I am being told that our son’s body was going to be taken away and cut up before we could see him. I begged and pleaded for them not to let the coroners office take Jonn until we landed in Los Angeles….

Robyn was at our house with her boy friend Jimmy. They both went outside when the sheriff’s car with two deputies pulled up. Robyn immediately became worried because she was all alone and figured that the Sheriff’s department only shows up when someone did something wrong.  She instantly thought that she was in trouble, even though she didn't do anything wrong.  The deputies approached Robyn and asked her if they were at the Flath residence. Robyn acknowledged. They then asked Robyn if we (Ana and I) were home. Robyn told them that we were in Hawaii for 9 weeks, and in seeing the officers surprised expression (how many people go to Hawaii for 9 weeks), she told them who I work for and why we were in Hawaii.  The deputies then suggested that they go into the house and talk. 

Inside the house, the first thing they asked was if Jonn lived at our house and when was the last time Robyn saw or spoke with Jonn.  Robyn told them that it was the night before (Thursday) when they both came home from work together. Because Robyn did not have school on Friday, she slept in and did not see Jonn leave for the AFROTC.  And that is when the deputies told Robyn about Jonn’s passing….

In the mean time, Michelle is crying and Kristy is learning about Jonn. They quickly leave the restaurant and go out to the parking lot where they are all crying hysterically. Michelle called Luis (her husband) and told him what happened and to come and get her right away. In a state of shock and disbelief, Luis did what each one of us did. What, no, which Jonn/John (Michelle has another brother called Johnathan)? Michelle said Jonn, my brother Jonn. Luis understood which Jonn and ran out of his work without saying anything to his boss. Luis is one of the star waiters at Sicily’s and it was a busy Friday night. 

Kristy quickly called her husband Jeffrey and told him what happened and that he needed to come and meet her at the Agua Dulce home (our house).

Robyn is in a state of shock and she tries to call me, but because I must have been dialing a call or something, her call went straight to my voice mail. So Robyn calls Michelle, and Michelle tells Robyn that they know and that they are on their way to get her. The major focus will soon be at our house where Kristy, Robyn and Michelle will be, along with their kids and their husbands.

Perhaps this is why Robyn was getting my voice mail because I was trying to call our neighbors to run to our house so that someone would be with Robyn. I do not know when I found out, but I somehow knew that Robyn was alone and she needed a familiar face to be with her.  I contacted several neighbors and our local bible study group to run to our house. Maybe I called the neighbors when we were already on the 3^rd floor in our hotel room.  I honestly do not remember when I called.

None-the-less, Robyn was with the Deputies and Jimmy, but she was all alone. No family by her side.

After speaking with Michelle, Robyn needed to hear another voice……

Where is Ana, what is taking her so long…… I was trying so hard to hold in my emotions while I was waiting. 

Ana was walking back to the hotel when her cell phone rang. It was Robyn. When Ana answered, Robyn asked Ana what she was doing. Ana said that she had to get back to the hotel for a quick meeting for my work. Robyn told Ana to sit down and Ana instantly knew that something was wrong. Ana insisted that Robyn tell her.

Mom, the police are here and they just told me that Jonn died.

“Why are you saying that. No, why are you saying that Robyn.

Like everyone else, Ana was in complete disbelief and shock.  Eventually the sheriff’s deputies took the phone from Robyn and explained what had happened.

In a deep gut wrenching pain, Ana started walking to the hotel again while crying with every step. She saw a mother with a young toddler and with tears rolling down her face, Ana told the mother to love her child and that she had just learned that Jonn had passed away.  As Ana continued walking, the lady’s husband tried to console Ana, but Ana just pushed away and kept moving as fast as she could towards the hotel.

Jonn was born on January 5^th 1993. He was a planned cesarean delivery due to his size.  When the incision was made, the doctors began to pull Jonn out. I was there videotaping everything and with my focus on capturing Jonn's birth, I knew that I could not stop the recording and say anything. I had seen videos of cesarean deliveries. They are simple and quick.  Something in Jonn’s delivery was not normal and I saw that right away. One doctor was pulling on Jonn and he was not coming out.  Then a second doctor began pulling with the 1st doctor.  At one point I actually thought to myself that they were going to pull Jonn’s head right off of his neck. The doctors were commenting on his size and the width of his shoulders. They kept pulling but he just was not coming out. A 3^rd doctor got involved and after what seemed like forever, Jonn came out. I followed Jonn, unaware that at that amoment, Ana was experiencing heart problems.  My focus was on Jonn, and it was not until I played the video tape back at home when I realize that Jonn was not breathing. He was purple looking and the recoding shows that Jonn was resuscitated for a good period of time before he started to breath. 

Ana however was experiencing problems with irregular heart beats and skipping heart beats and that landed her in the coronary care unit for 5 days. This was the first moment of Jonn affecting Ana’s heart.

After watching the video a couple of times at home, I described Jonn’s birth to my dad, who was once a surgical nurse.   Typical of him, my father said that I was making a big deal out of a normal cesarean delivery and that they all look like that. Knowing that it was a waste to argue with him, I figured that one day, when he would come and visit, I could show him the video of Jonn’s birth. The day that did eventually happen but my dad did not want to see the delivery, still insisting that they are all like that.  I prevailed however and showed him the video.  When it was over, my dad said that we should have sued the hospital and that he had never seen a delivery like that ever. You will read later on how my fatherly feelings were once again tossed aside when I was crying to my own father about Jonn’s death.

I was with close friends at work.

Michelle, Kristy and their girls were together.

Robyn was with her boyfriend,

But Ana, who carried Jonn in her womb for 9 months, who stayed at home with Jonn and Robyn for nearly 9 full years just so that she could be with them, who then took a part time job while Jonn and Robyn were in school so that she could be with them when they got out of school, who drove Jonn and Robyn 25 miles one way each day to high school and being allowed to have that extended time with Jonn and Robyn was now all alone, by herself, in an unfamiliar environment, carrying the pain of her youngest child having been taken up to Heaven.

Ana walked into the back entrance of the hotel and found her self amongst a crowd of people at the elevator lobby. She was trying so hard to keep everything together as she pushed her way into the elevator.  Her cell phone rang and when she answered it, she immediately said “meet me in our room right now, just meet me in our room”. That is when I realized that Ana had been told.

In her confusion, Ana selected the 2^nd floor instead of the 3^rd floor. When the doors opened, Sherlina met Ana and put her back on the elevator.  When the doors opened on the 3^rd floor, we saw each other and we both broke down in tears. With the help of my friends from work, and Jamie being by our side, we slowly and painfully made our way down the hallway to our room……

I still owe Jamie the picture of Jonn, Jamie and myself on the Big Shot ride at the top of the Stratosphere. Jonn loved hearing about Jamie, and he was always asking what was new in Jamies world. Jamie loved hearing stories about Jonn and it was not uncommon for my Cajun friend who lives in South Carolina, to talk with Jonn. They only saw each another a couple of times, but there was a mutual admiration for each other. To be able to have Jamie by our side was a Godsend…

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Page 2

(written October 22, the day before our 1 month anniversary)

Robyn is in shock like everyone else.  She does not know what to do. As she waits for Kristy and Michelle to arrive, Robyn posts on FaceBook that Jonn had passed away. Her phone starts ringing; the madness of people calling begins. David Lee, our neighbor was the first familiar face to be with Robyn. Jimmy and the deputies are still at the house, waiting for Michelle to arrive.

Paul was driving home on the freeway. He noticed that he had several missed phone calls. He calls the first one on his missed call log.  It was Michelle. The call was short, she told him what had happened.

Paul was 18 year old when Jonn was born and was around 20 when he got married and started a family. Paul has three daughters now; Marina-15, Sabrina-13 and Maddison-8. He lives about 70 miles from us and it is difficult for Paul to be able  to see us on a regular basis. The distance did not matter regarding how Paul felt for Jonn.. Paul not only loves Jonn, he has a deep admiration for him because of Jonn’s character, love and overall personality.

Right before Ana and I left for Hawaii, we had a birthday party for Robyn in which Paul, Kristy, Michelle, their families and Ana’s parents were at our house. Jonn loved family gatherings, especially when all of his siblings were there.  Jonn was so excited that Paul was coming. This past year found Paul really busy with work so he had been absent from many family gatherings.

The highlight of the birthday party was when Jonn realized that he was taller than Paul. He was so excited and had to show everyone. Jonn had a smile that was ear to ear. Paul was excited too. His little brother was taller than him, which meant that Jonn was really growing up, both in size.

Paul hung up and kept driving on the freeway. Shock. Complete Shock. Utter silence and disbelief and then Paul began shouting, no, No, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He eventually calls Susie, his wife. She is worried about him because he is driving. She asks where he is, and he tells her that he is about 5-10 minutes away.  She wants him to be careful and that is when Paul told her about Jonn. Susie tells Paul that Michelle had called her and told her. Marina is at a football game and that only Sabrina and Madison are at home with her.  Paul eventually arrives at home, walks in to the house, and then goes directly to his bedroom where he falls on his bed and begins crying….

Kristy pulls up to the house and Jeffrey is right behind her.  Michelle and her family arrive a little bit later because they had to pick up Sophia, their middle daughter.  Everyone is crying except Robyn. She is traumatized and cannot comprehend what is going on.  Just after Michelle and her family arrive, our friends from the local bible study group arrive, and more phone calls keep coming in.….

We get to our hotel room door and I want the door to open automatically. I need to hold my wife. I cannot let go. But I am the only one with the keycard and to pull it out of my pocket, one hand has to let go of Ana. This is so painful, but we have no idea that this will become even more painful.

I open the door and we walk in. I have no recollection as to how many people walk in with us.  All I remember is that it was dark in the room even though it was daylight outside. Ana and I are crying and holding each other. What the hell happened?  How did Jonn die? Ana then says:

“Jonn is alive, Jonn is alive. He is in Heaven now, alive. He is not dead, but alive in Heaven” and she is crying again.

Our cell phones are ringing, and it seems as if life is moving at a thousand miles an hour while at the same time, our minds and bodies are moving in slow motion. We cannot keep up with the pace of everything, and people are coming in to our room to console us.

I remember speaking with the ER doctor again.  I keep telling her not to let the coroner’s office take Jonn, but she keeps on saying that they cannot be stopped. I recall having a conversation with Michelle and Kristy telling them that they have to get to the hospital in Marina Del Rey before Jonn is taken away.  Ana tells the girls to be with Jonn, hold his hand; make the sign of the cross on Jonn and to say prayers with him. In their shock, I do not think that they understood the seriousness of needing to leave right away.

Phone calls in and out, who did I call first, who called me?  The same is for Ana.

Her parents…! How are we going to tell her parents?  How do we tell Ana’s siblings? 

I called our pastor’s home number and got the answering machine.  I called Greg and Carol Kealey, our friends who live next to the pastor and asked if they knew where he was and if they had his cell phone number.  I then told them to locate the pastor and have him call me immediately because Jonn had died.

Just like all the others who learned about Jonn’s death, Greg reacted with disbelief. What he asked? Who? Jonn?

All I wanted was to get in touch with the pastor. There was no time for any other discussion. This was a crisis and I showed no patience with Greg. I shouted at him and said Jonn is dead, just find the pastor and have him call me right away.  I hung up without realizing how rude, short and mean I was towards Greg.

Someone walked into our room and handed me the boarding passes for our flight. I do not remember who it was. I just know that our flight was sometime around 9p and t hat we would be landing in LA around 7 or 8 in the morning (Saturday). 

People are offering to pack for us. It felt like we were walking at the slowest pace in the middle of a tornado. It was so confusing, all while we were trying to make sense of everything.  We told everyone that we needed to be alone and that we would pack ourselves. When the last person walked out the door, it was like we were in the eye of a hurricane. Complete silence.  Ana and I stood there looking at each other, all alone, and then we held each other and cried…

I called Matt, one of our longest known friends who has been with us through many spiritual trials. We met Matt at least 10 years ago, and he knew Jonn very well.  I told Matt what happened, and like everyone else, received the news with shock and dismay.  I knew that Matt was the one person in Los Angeles who could organize a support system and he immediately started reaching out, getting ready to go with our Pastor to Ana’s parent’s house. He and Pastor would be the ones to tell Ana’s parents about Jonn…..

We slowly started packing. Occasional phone calls but I do not recall who they were made to or who called. At one point, Pastor called and over the speaker phone, he prayed with us. We asked him to go to Ana’s parent’s house and tell them what happened. We ask him to go with Matt because Ana’s family knows Matt.

Soft quiet knocks on the door, a paper is handed to us with the AF ROTC Colonel’s number, the emergency room doctor’s number, and changes with our flight information. Quick in- and-out visits in to our room. Updates- we need to leave the hotel by 7:30p. More soft knocks, my Hawaii boss is at the door and wants to spend a moment with us. He asks if we had any problems if the police chaplain comes to be with us, and my boss walks out. I notice that each time the hotel room door opens, there are people standing outside our door. Standing just like our job would do if they were guarding a protectee.

We resume packing, making and answering phone calls, Ana is talking to her youngest brother Pepe (Efren Jr.) He is at his parent’s house.

Back at the Black Angus parking lot in Valencia, when Kristy and Michelle were crying fiercely, Kristy called Pepe to tell him what happened. She told Pepe to call Nancy, but not to say anything about Jonn to her parents, but that they just need to get home right away because something very serious happened. Kristy says this over several phone calls with Pepe as we await Ana’s parents arrival to their house.

Kristy also told Pepe to get over to his parents house right away. Pepe had been out riding his bicycle and right after hearing that Jonn had died, Pepe begins rushing home. In his rush, Pepe is hit by a car and he crashes. He got back on to his bike, slightly scratched and continues heading to his parent’s house.  

Pepe called Nancy and tells her that she needs to get mom and pop home right away. He tells her to tell them it is very serious. Nancy and her parents were at a birthday party for one of Nancy’s grand children, Devon.  Her parents did not want to leave because they wanted to finish eating. When they finished eating, Nancy told her parents that they really had to go because something serious had happened, but her parents wanted to stay and sing Happy Birthday to Devon. Nancy, not knowing how serious it was, she had no way to convince her parents to leave. If Nancy had known what was going on, should could have pushed the issue, but in doing that, he parents would then know. We could not risk their knowing until they were with the pastor.

Ana calls her brother:

Where is mom and pop?

Pepe tells Ana that they are out with Nancy (their sister) and that he had called Nancy, telling her to get home right away. Ana tells Pepe more about what we know, and he tells Ana about how he found out and about his crash….

With simultaneous phone calls happening at the same time, in one call with Ana, Kristy tells her mom that she wants to get to the hospital right away to see Jonn.  Ana keeps telling Kristy to wait and see what I wanted them to do. Kristy is insisting that she leave, but Ana tells her to wait.

In one of my calls to Michelle, I tell her that they need to get to the hospital as fast as possible to see Jonn, but there is so much confusion, so much shock, conversations are missed, unheard or not understood. Ana and I are right next to each other on different phone calls, but we are not talking to each other. Time is ticking away…..

Who called who is not an issue, I just remember talking to the girls again. Both Ana and I are talking together over a speaker phone with both Kristy and Michelle. I remember telling them again that they have to get to the hospital right away because the coroner’s office was coming to get Jonn. They could not wait, just leave right away. Kristy and Michelle quickly tell everyone in the house that they have to go to the hospital and that everyone had to leave the house. They all start to leave and the deputies tell Michelle that they would stay or even come back and lock up the house for her if she needed them to.

Kristy, Jeffrey and Mackenzie leave first because they have to drop off Mackenzi at Jeffrey’s father’s house. It is going to be a long period of time and it would be too difficult to have a 2 year old at the hospital morgue.

Michelle leaves a short while after, with Luis driving and Micayla-13, Sophia-8 and Mia-4 with them. They are going to the Marina Del Rey Hospital to see Jonn.

Ana calls her old boss Sue, and Helen her long time best friend. She tells them what happened and is breaking down with each word that comes out of her mouth.  It makes it very difficult to talk… 

Ana call’s Pepe again: Where is Nancy? What is taking so long to get mom and pop back home?

It seems as if it takes a life time for them to get home. From our accounts now, it is almost 2 hours from when we asked for Ana’s parents to be brought back home.  Ana begs me not to call Nancy because she does not want anything to slip before her mom and dad are with the pastor.  It seems like forever and then I cannot wait any longer, I called Nancy.

Nancy, act like you are talking to a friend and just say hi.

Oh Hi

Do not say anything, do not react to this. I need you to get your parents home immediately. Jonn died about 4 hours ago and the pastor is at their house waiting to tell them. Please just get them home now.

Ok, I’ll do that right now.

I had to do that, and it killed me having to tell Nancy that way. But I had to stress the importance of getting her parents home immediately. We had been waiting for a long time and would be leaving for the airport real soon. 

Nancy was actually pulling up to her parent’s house as we were talking and my mother-in-law noticed that there were extra cars at her house. She immediately knew something was out of the ordinary and asked why there were so many cars.  When she opened the front door of her house, she saw Pepe with his back turned to her and the pastor standing next to him. Pepe turned around and she saw his eyes. She looked at the pastor and immediately said: What happened? WHAT HAPPEND, just tell me!

Pastor took her hand, sat her down and told her that Jonn had died just hours before........

Everyone in the house began crying and crying.

Ana and Nancy were on the phone when Pastor broke the news.  Nancy kept asking Ana, what happened, what happened and as Ana  told her what happened, Nancy began to cry... 

(written October 23rd, our 1 month anniversary and minor changes to the second entry dated October 22)

We cried all day long. Everyone. We all went to church together. Ana, Robyn, Micayla, Sophia and I go in our truck for Bible study and church. Michelle, Luis and Mia come later on for church. Kristy and her grandparents show up. Paul, Susie, Marina, Sabrina and Maddison all join us as well.

We all meet back at our house and at 4:00pm, we begin praying, reading scripture, and talking about Jonn for the next hour. This covers the period of time that Jonn began running and when the ER doctor officially pronounced the time of death.  My father-in-law and mother-in-law break down crying with the rest of us.

We have dinner and continue the painful crying. Even though we know that Jonn is not gone, but has moved ahead of us and is in Heaven, our loss, our pain here on earth is unbearable. 

Javier, Yasamin and Sarah, three of Jonn’s best friends all come to visit. Sarah came by herself and did not stay long. She is hurting and is hiding it. Yasamin and Javier stay until after 11p. They too are hurting and is affecting them deeply.

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(Written October 24^th, the day after our 1 month anniversary – Kristy call)

Kristy just called. I could hear the crying in her voice. I hand the phone over to Ana and she tells me afterwards that Kristy is really bad today. I feel so bad for her, and for Paul as well. They do not have the support that we have at our house.  They are not receiving any calls from family, and Kristy especially feels so isolated.  She was very close to Jonn and is grieving terribly. Michelle is too, but she lives with us and we are together to support her, just as she is able to support us.

We finish up our packing and finally have only one thing to do. Wait. Wait to leave the hotel and head  to the airport.  Ana and I sit on the couch in the dimly lit hotel room.  I hold her and we cry….

A soft knock is heard and I go and open the door.  There they are again, the guys waiting outside the door. I see the Chaplain. He enters into the room and sits, talks and prays with us. He stays for a short while and then leaves.

Another soft knock and I open the door.  Time is getting close as they come and grab our luggage.  We are told we have less than 10 minutes before we leave. They leave and we are by ourselves again.

We are numb. Completely numb to the pain. Our minds and bodies are in shock.  It has been a couple of  hours now since he have learned about Jonn.

Another soft knock, I open the door and there is a huge line of people.  They want to come in and say good bye.

One by one, they come in, give us each hug and offer their condolences.  Whose idea was it that we all hold hands and pray? Who led the prayer(s). Ana and I are standing only by the grace of God. It is the Holy Spirit that gives us the strength to breathe.

Everyone begins to leave. I remember Jamie’s comfort and Phil’s beautiful words and prayer.  Sherlina asks if she can stay with us for a moment and pray with us. It was the most beautiful spirit filled prayer we have ever heard.  It is so comforting to hear.

We then slowly leave the room, and begin what I can only describe as the most painful walk in our lives. The hallway had people in it, but it was filled with a silence that only death can bring. We enter into the elevator and descend down to the lobby.  The doors open, but for some reason, I do not remember hearing a sound.  Did God close my ears to keep me from hearing the laughter and excitement of the people vacationing in Hawaii? 

My eyes focus on familiar faces, but as I write this now, I cannot remember who they were or what was said.  We make our way to the van and I remember seeing people all over the place.  Some are from work, and others are hotel guests.  They were staring at us. They were wondering what happened as Ana and I were surrounded by a group of silent guardians.

There was another group of people at the van wanting to say good bye. I know that because we did not get into the van right away, but who they were escapes me.  My mind has become a puddle of mush. I cannot think anymore.

Ana and I get into the van.  I know Jamie and Kevin and Sherlina are with us.  Was the fourth person Phil? All I know is that the ride from the hotel to the airport was silent and torturous.

During all of time at the hotel, I was receiving emails on my blackberry.  One person specifically was trying everything she could to extend her help but I did not realize what she was offering until we were driving.

My office in Los Angeles was notified of Jonn’s passing. Typical of where I work, a wonderful flow of actions were put in place. A complete information flow was shut down. Orders were issued not to contact me or my family and that any incoming inquiries were to be blocked. I cannot imagine what my colleagues in Los Angeles were thinking when they read those pager notifications/emails.

Only a few knew and they were taking fast action to get things organized.  Miguel was given the hospital assignment. He quickly relocated to the Hospital, and having identified himself, began coordinating everything for the hospital arrival of Paul, Kristy, Michelle, Robyn, the children, Pastor and Matt. He made sure that Jonn was prepared to be seen, all door combinations written down, names and titles of employees taken.  Just like what is done for a protectees visit. Professional, friendly and most of all filled with integrity.

Miguel spoke with the Doctor and nurse. Colonel Corley was present along with others. When Robyn, Michelle and her family, Kristy and Jeffrey arrived, they were greeted by Miguel who took all of them into a private room. There he briefed them on what would happen and how things would work. His warm smile, his attention to detail, and his professionalism helped put all at ease.

The time came when Jonn was ready to be visited. Kristy, Jeffrey, Michelle and Luis went in to see Jonn. Robyn would not go in. I knew that she would do this. I know my own daughter and knew exactly what was going on in her head. She could not do anything, not even cry. She was frozen.

Robyn was waiting for Ana and I to arrive…..until then, she would not cry or see Jonn…..

The van pulled up to the airport and as we got out, there were some of the same people from the hotel who followed us. And then I saw her.  She was like an angel from heaven.  She was a person with whom I had been working over the past 9 months in preparation for the Hawaii work, and here she was, ready to take care of Ana and I.

I cannot imagine what it would be like for someone who does not have the resources that come with my line of work.  Making flight reservations, getting transportation to the airport, having to stand in line trying to check in and check baggage, and then have to go through the turmoil of the public security checks and waiting at the gate to board the airplane.

Chiko was our guardian Angel.  She made our airport transition so peaceful and painless given the circumstances.  She got us checked in, got our luggage screened, and arranged for Ana and I to have a private holding room while we waited to board our flight.  She brought us some food and water and a beautiful card with a beautiful note written on it.  When the time came, Chiko came in the private room and prayed with us.  She was crying as well and said the most beautiful prayer, equal to Sherlina’s prayer.  We felt not only her own love for us, but God’s love flowed from her as well.

Chiko had arranged for our journey to the gate, and we avoided all passengers’ right up to the gate and then a hole was made for Ana and I to walk through and board the plane.  We gave Chiko a huge hug and we all cried. Ana and I boarded the plane, sitting next to each other.  The airlines had been advised of our personal tragedy and they were so helpful.

The plane took off from the gate and we were airborne, en route to San Francisco.  The flight was dark, and almost completely quiet with the exception of the sound of me crying for 4 ½ hours. It was painful. Our son had died and we were still so far away.  I just wanted to see Jonn. I wanted to hug all of the girls and Paul and to tell them how much I love them and how sorry I am for them. I just wanted to be a father and fix everything for them and to make it better…. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t fix anything this time. Jonn had died and I was completely powerless….

It was dark, just like deaths approach.  It covered everywhere, even our hearts.

Paul, Susie, Madison and Sabrina all leave to go meet everyone else at the Hospital. But first they have to find Marina. She was at a football game and is on the varsity cheerleading team.  She did not have her cell phone, so Paul and Susie are frantically trying to call anyone who is near Marina.  Finally they contact a girl who happens to be next to Marina on the school bus. They tell Marina that as soon as the bus arrives at school, she needs to go immediately to the family Jeep. Something very serious has happened to the family and she must leave immediately. 

As soon as the bus arrives, Susie meets finds Marina right away.  As they walk towards the Jeep, Marina is asking what happened. Nothing is said.  They get in to the Jeep and Susie is driving while Paul is a passenger in the front seat. Marina can see her dad is emotionally torn apart and begs to know what happened. Jonn’s 15 year old niece hears of her uncle’s death who is only 3 years older than her. Marina begins toscream andthen the entire family is crying with her.

They head off to Marina Del Rey, but get to the hospital too late.  They cannot see Jonn until the next morning. Miguel and Colonel Corley walk the families across the street to the hotel where they will stay the night. The Colonel foots the bill for two rooms, three families.

Robyn does not sleep....

We began our approach into San Francisco.  Ana had taken one of her anxiety pills which she had for flying. Added to that was her ability to sit comatose the entire flight. For me, there were many times during the flight when I had to get up and go to the bathroom. I needed napkins, Kleenex, water on my face.  There was a time when in my seat, a guy across the aisle and a row behind reached over and touched my shoulder.  Perhaps a flight attendant told him, or perhaps he just knew.

It was around 5am California time when our plane landed in San Francisco.  The flight attendants helped arrange for us to deplane as fast as possible.  We were near the front and only had a few rows to contend with.  For some reason, I thought that someone from our San Francisco office was going to meet us. Ana and I walked down the jet-way and into the gate seating area.  I looked, but did not see anyone that I could recognize. I looked again and then realized we were as alone as we could ever be. We had to get to the other gate, and it was on the other side of the airport. 

Ana and I walked, and walked, and it seemed as if we walked from San Francisco to Los Angeles. We never spoke. We just cried and walked all the way to the gate.

The gate was very crowded. We found a place where we could sit together and then I went to the counter at the gate. I asked ever so quietly if there was a way that Ana and I could have seats together. I explained our situation and the counter lady looked at me and said, “you will have to ask the person who is sitting between you if they will move”. Death is cold. The terminal and gate at San Francisco was cold, and the lady at the counter could brought a new meaning to ice cold. Well…that is how I felt.

All alone among hundreds of people eager to start their day.  A day that looked to be so exciting for everyone. Everyone that is but us. We sat there for around 1 hour waiting to board the next flight.

The announcement came over the PA giving people who needed assistance in boarding early, to begin boarding. I walked back up to the counter to see if I could get Ana boarded early and the same lady responded with a short, uncaring response; I don’t know. Let me see what I can do. Just take a seat for now and wait.

Minutes pass by and then she approaches. She hands me two new boarding passes and said that she had managed to get Ana and I to sit together. She then said to follow her, without a hint of any compassion.  As we hand our boarding pass to the lady who was collecting boarding passes, the counter lady quickly turned away and as fast as she could say it, said: I’m sorry for your loss. Her voice gave the perception that she was being forced to say it, when she really did not want to say it.

We boarded the plane and were the only passengers for nearly 5 minutes. Ana had a window seat, I had the middle seat, and I was praying that nobody would take the aisle seat. That was not the case. I feel sorry for the guy who sat next to me.  I did everything I could to keep from crying, but how do you do that when you learn that your son had died just hours ago?

We landed around 7:30am Saturday morning. Because we were so far back in the airplane, we decided to be the last ones off the plane.  We waited until every passenger was off before we left.  As we exited the plane and walked into the terminal, I saw a familiar face.  It was Miguel.

We walked with Miguel to the baggage carousel. Because we were the last ones off the plane, we did not have to wait for our luggage. We grabbed our bags and walked out to Miguel’s car. Once we were seated, we were flying as fast as could be. I remember telling Miguel that Jonn was dead and that we did not have to rush to the hospital.  He slowed down. Ana was in the back seat (RRS) and I was in the front seat (RFS).

I knew the area.  I had been to LMU before with Jonn. I knew Marina Del Rey because of my previous job. We had an undercover boat just around the corner from the hospital. I recognized each turn and then I prepared myself for the final turn. As we approached, I saw everyone standing outside. They were all standing together, crying. And then it hit me. One pair of eyes locked with mine. After years of conflict, after years of Jonn asking me if we would ever get along or even be close, when I saw the way she looked at me, I began to cry deeper than I had ever cried. I knew how much Kristy loved Jonn and how they always talked.  It was so painful to see how much Kristy was hurting and even more painful to see that she cared about me.

I then saw Michelle, Robyn and Paul. I could not get to them fast enough to hold them. I am so sorry.  All four of you needed a father and I had abandoned you. You were left to suffer Jonn’s death all alone for 12 hours. I am so sorry that I could not be there to hold you and comfort you right away.

As I approached Robyn, I saw her heart break wide open.  I knew it all along, and had to endure that time traveling back to LA knowing that Robyn would not cry until we arrived. She broke down as Ana and I held her. She broke down crying like nobody has ever cried before…..

The small emergency room of Marina Del Ray Hospital is filled with 25 people crying as hard as can be. The tiny hospital becomes one of the saddest places on earth.

I will wait a couple of days before I post again….

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