Page 22
Written on April 28th 2012
January 14th, 2012
Our returning to work on Jan 17th will be much different from when we went back to work after Thanksgiving. The first return to work had a ray of light to it simply because we both knew that it was a temporary return, with the Christmas school break coming right away. This time however, we know that this will be the long haul without any substantial breaks in the near future.
I am also reminded of my work life before Jonn’s death. What I mean by that is I actually do not start working on January 17th. I returned to work today, Saturday January 14th. It is frustrating that I no longer have the luxury to put all of my focus and attention towards the family. My hectic work life with long hours and common 7 day work schedules has returned. I am a salaried employee which means that I do not earn overtime and can be called to work at any time. This reminds me of how much of my life has been consumed with work, leaving me to be the absent father, the father who should have spent more time with Jonn and the rest of the family.
Over the years I have been asked to give career speeches at the local high schools out where we live. On one occasion when I was talking to a group of students at West Ranch High School, where Robyn and Jonn attended, Robyn was among the assembled students. During the Q&A session near the end of my presentation, a student asked if I travel a lot. Since Robyn was present, I let her answer the question: “Yeah, my dad travels a lot, he goes to a lot of places and he has missed some of my birthdays and a graduation from elementary school, but that’s ok, I’m used to it”
My heart sank when she said that. It made me feel like a complete arse. What kind of father does that to his family?
I do not know how to make it stop. My job and my responsibilities are what they are and I cannot avoid it. My only solution would be to change jobs and throw away nearly 23 years with this job and the retirement that comes with it. It was not always like this, and has been a gradual increase over the past 23 years.
Unlike when I returned to work after Thanksgiving, and was able to get by with the minimal effort, this time it is full steam ahead. I am going to do everything I can to reduce my hours, but the truthis, my line of work requires me to work anywhere from 50-70 hours a week. Many people think that federal employees are lazy and are worthless, but in our agency, who works with many other federal agencies, I can guarantee you that we are just the opposite. We work long hard hours without overtime pay (people in my position), and end up making sacrifices with our families. We could not do what we do if we did not work the hours that we work. If only the public knew how far their tax dollars go with our agency!
So I go to work today, and I feel real bad having to leave Ana at the house.
Sunday January 15th
We go to church and I finally receive the list of names of people who I will interview for Love Fest. I now have less than 1 month to prepare my presentation. My worries now are that with going back to work, I am going to be pushed to the limits for time.
After we are done with church, it is off I go again to work. At the office, on a Sunday, there are many of us there while the rest of the federal government is closed. I hate having to do this. I hate having to work and leave Ana, especially when you consider that this is a three day weekend with Monday being a federal holiday. Just like yesterday, I do not get paid for working today.
Monday January 16th –
The irony of today being President’s day, a federal Holiday, and I along with many others are at work once again, working for free. We do not do this by choice. We respond to our missions needs, often at the sacrifice of our family.
The same year that Ana and I were married (1990), we took a trip back to the center of the universe - Michigan, the only true state in the US of A. The land of Vernors, Coney Dogs, Little Ceasar’s, Kinko’s, Motown, Motor City, Lions, Tigers, Pistons and the great Red Wings, not to mention M go Blue – (sorry family members who think that the Spartans are equal to a real University). It was only my second year with this job, back when the work load was limited to the Los Angeles area and my hours were simple. None-the-less, I had to give my office every location where I was going and every telephone number where I would be at. Since Ana and I were going to stay with my grandmother (Master Photographer and loving grandmother Alice Sayles, RIP), I provided my office with her address and telephone number.
During our stay in the great state of Michigan (we were there for a Flath family reunion), it was decided that we would spend a weekend in a state park with my mom and stepfather Ron. We stayed in a cabin and had no phone service. I told my grandmother what we were doing but never told her where we were going (the name of the camp site).
During one of the days at the camp, Ana and I went out for a short walk and then a drive. On our return to the cabin, we walked in and saw everyone looking quite morose. We quickly learned that my office in Los Angeles was looking for me and had managed to get an All Points Bulletin issued state-wide. A ranger or state trooper (I cannot remember now) located where our family was staying, came to the cabin in search of me, and left a message for me to contact my office immediately. That was the first realization that I was owned by the job. Of course it was a rare incident back then, but over the ears, this type of work “on call” activity became common place.
I remember how my office wanted me to come to work the same day Robyn was born. I remember many events where the job took precedence over everything else.
I remember in 2000 when the convention was in Los Angeles and I worked 9 weeks straight, without one single day off, and the shortest day was 12 hours with the longest day being 18 hours. I remember working protective visits where I worked over 40 hours straight, several times. I have been away from the family for as long as 2 months, and without a day off. In fact during that 2 months assignment, I worked 12 hour Saturdays and Sundays for free.
Of course there were the many trips were I made my own self imposed sacrifices so that I could get back to Ana and the kids as quickly as possible. My mindset was always this: Why get off of work and be in the hotel by 5 or 6 PM, wait all night doing nothing, and then go to sleep, only to wake up the next morning and catch a flight home. Why not tough it out, catch a night flight from the East Coast (aka Least Coast) and arrive back in LA by 10 or 11p and be at the house with Ana and the kids. Of course this would mean a trip schedule like this:
Work all day in LA, catch a late afternoon flight to DC, arrive at the hotel no later than 1a DC time, sleep and then be at the office no later than 8a for the meetings, and then catch a 5p or 6p flight (most of DC business is concluded by 3:30p) back to LA. I hated leaving Ana all alone any longer than I had to.
I cannot tell you how many times I left my house at 2am or 3am to drive up to Sacramento or San Francisco, worked all day and then drive home just so that I could be home with Ana and the kids. Sure I could have stayed the night in a hotel, but instead of waiting in the hotel room until late night and go to sleep, and then make the long drive back to LA the next day, I would rather use that time I would have waiting in a hotel, to drive back home.
I have had many day trips to Albuquerque New Mexico, Denver Colorado, and even a day trip to Honolulu, leaving LA at 8a, arriving in Honolulu at 11a, attending a meeting that afternoon, and then flying back to LA that evening. I can sleep anywhere, but when Ana is left all alone which she hates, and I can get home early, why not get home early?
Early on in our marriage, one relative made a very negative comment about my ways of traveling, saying that I was only doing that to impress someone else in their family. They likened it to “brown nosing” my way into the family. No, my own self imposed sacrifice had nothing to do with anyone other than my own Wife for Life and my immediate family. He can think what he wants, but the truth is, I do not do things to impress people and win their favor. I do things the way I do because in my heart, I feel that it is the right thing to do, putting the care of others first.
None-the-less, my desires to spend as much time with my family as I could was a result of a job which was without any doubt, extremely demanding on everyone. But then again, I have seen this agency do some amazing things for their employees when disaster strikes. The 1994 earthquake and how people from our agency, across the nation pooled together to help those afflicted by the earthquake. The same with the Oklahoma Bombing, Hurricane Katrina, 9/11 attacks, and the list goes on.
Our work demands more of us than any other federal agency. We bust our rear ends to do what we do, at the sacrifice of our families, yet look at what they did for us when we received word that Jonn passed away. At the snap of a finger, this agency showed us care, love and support unlike any other. They made our return to Los Angeles a priority, ensuring that we were able to travel without any fears of wondering how to get from point a, to point b. This agency, while extremely demanding, takes care of their employees and the employees all stick together, help each other out, and go beyond what anyone else would do.
When Kristy and Michelle arrived at the hospital the night that Jonn had journeyed off to Heaven, Kristy asked Miguel, the agent from my office, if our agency does this for everyone. Miguel told Kristy that they do not. Miguel tried playing it off that I was someone special. The truth is, our agency and the people who work there would do that for anyone of us. That is how special this work family is. They play it off as if the afflicted person is someone more special than the rest of the employees, just to provide that added comfort to the rest of the afflicted family members.
That is what is great about this job, even though it is demanding beyond description. It is the family unity that we all have for each other especially during times of crisis that makes the job great.
Note - Contrary to recent news reports, we are an angency filled with high professionalism, morals, character, and integrity. Do not let these stories paint a picture of an entire organization.
Both Robyn and Jonn were witnesses to the demands of this job, as well as the unity and closeness our agency has for one another. I would explain to them the importance of always working your hardest, being dedicated and professional. Of course, Robyn and Jonn would also hear it from me, how I expected similar attitudes from them. Both Ana and I would tell Robyn and Jonn about the importance of learning early on that they must earn their way through life, and not to expect to receive hand outs from others.We would always say that if you learn how to earn, instead of living off of the charity of generous people, you will be much farther ahead than most people in the world, especially when that charity wears out.
We also told Robyn and Jonn how wrong it is to always look for that free hand out, because that handout comes from the hard work of others. They, Robyn and Jonn did not earn it and no matter how much people wanted to help, we instilled the morals of not taking handouts.
We also told Robyn and Jonn how wrong it is to always look for that free hand out, because that handout comes from the hard work of others. They, Robyn and Jonn did not earn it and no matter how much people wanted to help, we instilled the morals of not taking handouts.
We would also talk about the new mindset of entitlement, which I see as a present day decline in the workplace morals. We would talk about how everyone is given a trophy or certificate or award nowadays just so that people are not left out. This breeds a thought pattern that everyone is given something even if they did not do anything or excel above the norm. This is then taken into the work place where the newly employed feels that they deserve raises, even when they do mediocre work.
The one thing that I drove home with Jonn is that the people who know how to earn, instead of expect to receive hand outs, will be the ones who make a difference in the world. I told Jonn that those who strive for professionalism, dedication and who carry unprecedented care for their job will be the ones who get promoted and become successful. I also told him that those who expect to get things without putting forth the effort, will be the ones who work for the successful person.
Jonn carried a dedication, devotion and professional work ethic into his work, regardless of what the environment was like. His first days at In-N-Out was as a bus boy, or the guy who takes out the trash and clean the tables. Typical of Jonn to strike up conversations with people who were eating while he cleaned up. He was very friendly, efficient with his duties, and maintained a sense of professionalism. After all, how many customers go directly to the store manager and sing praises of the guy who just cleaned the table and took out the trash.
On Jonn's second day at In-N-Out, his boss found Jonn dumpster diving. When asked what he was doing, Jonn simply replied that a customer accidentally threw his retainer into the trash, so Jonn offered to find it, even if it meant going dumpster diving. And sure enough, Jonn found it and the boys mother was so grateful.
Jonn was a very conscientious worker, but obviously very new into the working field. What I mean by that is, Jonn like most youth, felt that all he had to do is work a couple of hours and he then qualified for fun times.
On Jonn's second day at In-N-Out, his boss found Jonn dumpster diving. When asked what he was doing, Jonn simply replied that a customer accidentally threw his retainer into the trash, so Jonn offered to find it, even if it meant going dumpster diving. And sure enough, Jonn found it and the boys mother was so grateful.
Jonn was a very conscientious worker, but obviously very new into the working field. What I mean by that is, Jonn like most youth, felt that all he had to do is work a couple of hours and he then qualified for fun times.
One day, Ana was upset that Jonn was not doing what she asked. She told me how she had been asking Jonn to clean the pool over the past couple of days to no avail. So when I spoke with Jonn over the phone, it became a little tense each time I asked Jonn why he did not do what Mom had told him to do. Each time he tried to offer an excuse, but I would remind him that there are no excuses for disobeying a boss. I would remind him that what he learns from us, needs to be carried into the work force.
So after finally getting an answer from Jonn of: “There is no excuse Papa, I just did not do what mom told me to do”, I sternly told Jonn to get down to the pool and clean it. I then told him that once he was done cleaning the pool he needed to mow the grass. His response was classic. Forgetting about the 50-70 hours that I work every week on a regular basis, and then working every weekend to keep up 2 ½ acres of property, Jonn, who was only working 20 hours a week said: “Mow the lawn Papa on my day off? Papa, my friends want me to go out with them!”
I had to keep from laughing for a couple of weeks, and then after the time passed, we were able to joke with Jonn about the attitude and what life had in store for him. We told him how life would get harder, and the sooner he learned how to adapt and overcome, the more successful he would be. And now look at him. Jonn is having a wonderful time up in Heaven. No worries, no stress, no unemployment, and best of all, no bills. What a life Jonn has now.
The work I have to do is over relatively quick, but the sting is there. Tomorrow I go back to work just like it used to be. I will try my hardest to minimize the impact, but the 2012 Election campaign has begun, and election years are demanding and tough.
Tuesday January 17th, 2012 – February 11th
A lot happens over this period of time. Over the next couple of weekends I video tape interviews of people who have experienced the loss of a loved one. I approach people who have lost a spouse, sibling, parent, child, and a friend.
During the interviews, it becomes emotionally hard to listen to some of the responses. Some of the stories are just painful and bring up the pain of Jonn’s death. In all, I end up with 12 hours of video. Now I need to edit the videos and come up with a 45 minute product for a 1 hour class.
The problem is work. I had mentioned to Ana a week or two before that we have not had the high volume of visits that we had prior to the 9/11 attacks. I guess that I forgot to knock on wood, because as soon as I got back to work, the flood gates opened. We were swamped with protectees coming into Los Angeles. It was unbelievable.
Mixed into that was the 4 month anniversary on February 3rd, and an event with the ROTC whereby they gave two scholarships to freshmen in the ROTC unit. The scholarship is a $3,000 Scholarship in Jonn’s name and because two cadets received the scholarship, the amount was divided in half, with each cadet receiving $1,500. As strong as I have been, and the tears have been very minimal lately, it was definitely a hard moment for me when Jonn’s picture was displayed on the big screen.
After the ceremony, Hayley (Jonn’s prom and winter formal date) met us at the memorial cross where we were also joined by Hayley’s mom Susan. If you recall, Susan and Alan were instrumental in getting the memorial bulletins printed and the graduation photographs framed.
After a brief period of time at the cross we all head on over to a Thai restaurant where Alan joins us as well. It is the least we can do to show our appreciation for what they done for us.
Adding to everything on our list is the fact that Robyn is going to start back at college. This poses a problem for us initially because Robyn and Jonn were car pooling to college. Jonn’s car is not in good condition for driving and we do not want Robyn to drive it. The Expedition is also not safe vehicle to drive. So after a discussion, we decide that we need to make another major decision. We are going to sell the vehicles, and with the check that has just arrived from Jonn’s work, we are going to get Robyn a leased vehicle.
First of all, In-N-Out is a wonderful place for anyone to work. They are a very strong Christian based organization, and their employee benefits are wonderful. One of the things that they provide for part time employees is a small life insurance policy. We were not aware of this until after they sent us the letter and forms to fill out. Jonn listed me, Ana and Robyn as beneficiaries. So when the checks came, I was reminded of what went through my mind when our family life insurance check was delivered. That was not the last part of Jonn’s life, and we find out as time goes on, that many more things reveal that Jonn’s life has not ended.
So adding to all of what we are going through, we go and pick out a car for Robyn at the same dealership where we bought the minivan. We end up selling the Expedition, but after three attempts to sell Jonn’s car and being told by the immediate family that minds have been changed, Jonn’s car remains on our property, sitting and decaying.
It was emotionally difficult getting the car for Robyn (Jan 28th), and she knows that once the life insurance money and the money from the expedition runs out, she has to start making the monthly payments herself. She also has to make monthly payments for the insurance, but that is how life is. Even if we were offered financial handouts, we would not accept it. That is how I am. I am a firm believer that if you cannot afford it, then you should not be asking or expecting other people to pay for it. I know of one couple who helps others out without end and yet the others flaunt their benefits by buying cars and new technology all the time.
Robyn, Jonn, Ana and I would talk about this as I had mentioned about this earlier, and Jonn was very solid in his thinking. If someone helps you out financially, he understood the need to do everything in your power to pay them back or offer services to show that appreciation. He told me about one family who always took advantage of others. This bothered him a lot, especially when this family would not take care of the place where they lived and expected the charity to continue in the form of free gardening and the likes. Jonn had a very loving and caring heart and he hated seeing those he loved, being taken advantage of. Jonn would get very upset and question how people could live like that, on the grace of other peoples kindness.
For Robyn, I wanted her to understand what it takes to own something and how important it is that if you want something, you must earn it yourself. Now some may say that I am a hypocrite because I have taken limited financial gifts, but it needs to be known that I did not want these gifts, felt extremely bad that we took the gifts, and I fought tooth and nail with Ana about receiving them. Perhaps it is my pride, but none-the-less, I am grateful for the generosity and I always make it a point to reciprocate to the best of my abilities.
Watching the Expedition leave on the day we sold it (Feb 4th) was difficult. Jonn always sat behind me when I drove. Ana is sitting in his seat crying with all her might. How many times have we been in that vehicle as a family? How many times did Ana, Robyn and Jonn drive to and from school? How many times was it just Ana and Jonn? We had that truck for 6 or 7 years. It left our driveway with over 300k miles. It only had 40k miles when we bought it.
Love Fest:
Every night for the next two weeks I am working late at home, learning how to use the software for video editing, sending emails to one of Jonn's friends from West Ranch TV (Blake LaRue) who guided me along. I also needed to fix the audio for many of the recordings because some of the interviewees had soft voices and the microphone was picking up ambient noises. Blake helped me in that area as well.
The final week, I start working on the videos at 10p, after Ana goes into our bedroom, and typically finish up around 2a, and then waking up at 5:30 to head off to work. This final week is killing me and I am not sure if I can get everything done in time.
Work, grief, Love Fest preparations, Ana looks strong in public but is falling apart at home, and the big issue from back in October…this will be discussed in the next page because it is tied in to Love Fest and the final product for my class on Grief.
I am working frantically to finish the video and wish that I had been given the names back in December when I had asked. I feel that I need just 3 more days to make it perfect, but time runs out. It is early Saturday morning and I have only slept 3 hours each day on the average for the past 10 days. I am worn out but trust in God to carry me through the rest of the day.
And now it starts, Love Fest X. Annual event at our church and I am deviating from my normal Internet Dangers class and am branching out into a new direction: Grief.
This is a class which will expose what grief looks like, how it affects different people, how grief never goes away, but most importantly, how to care for those who are grieving.
I presented the class with 9 separate video segments while talking briefly in between each one. Since you cannot hear what I said, I placed power point slides in between each segment. Please set aside 45 minutes to view this video, and ensure that your volume has been turned up.
I will talk more about the video and life’s issues in the next page.
Just so that you know, God gave me strength to present the class and I made it almost all the way to the end of the presentation with full composure. I am sure you will be able to figure out at what point during my presentation when I completely lost it and cried like a baby. They could not see me cry as it was during the last video presentation, but I know that people heard me.
I was tired, I was very tired, and I could no longer hold it in. Months of being strong unfolded within seconds in the playing of the last video.
A Father’s Story - Page 23
Written on April 29th, 2012
So hopefully you have had a chance to see the entire Love Fest video. If not, before you read any further, I strongly recommend viewing it as I am going to discuss a couple points from the video.
What I learned from conducting the interviews is that while grief is different for each person, grief is also the same. What I mean by that is that a profound grief, the death of a very close loved one changes you. I add that caveat because not all death involves a deep profound love. There can be the death of a parent, sibling, aunt or uncle whom you might not be close with, or even estranged. The feelings for them might not be nearly as strong as the feelings you might have for a very close friend.
In some cases, people experience a deeper loss of a very close friend than they do with the loss of a relative. The level of grief is typically a result of a person’s “connection” and relationship with the deceased. There are also the factors of how much of a positive affect the deceased had on the survivor’s lives, what shared likes and interests they had, and of course the quality of time spent with each other. None-the-less, grief, when it involves losing a very very close relationship, is devastating, no matter how strong a person’ faith is.
I know that I have mentioned this before but it bears mentioning again. When a mother loses a child, the mother loses a physical part of her own body. The mother carried that child for 9 months, nursed the child, and spent the majority of her time with that child vs. any other relative. When it comes to a normal mother-child relationship (aside from mothers who give up their children at birth), where the mother spends thousands of hours with their child, there is a very fine line of physical separation between the two. For the most part, while the child has been delivered from the mother’s womb, the physical separation between the two is nearly invisible. This is why the loss of a child is normally much worse for the mother than it is for the father. But as a father, my pain is nothing short of excruciating.
If you saw the video, you then have a little understanding of the initial onset of grief. The true nature of grief is invisible. It is something that nobody can relate with without ever having experienced that specific type of grief. Now I have to clarify once again that people lose family members all the time throughout life, but it is the relationship that one had which determines the level of grief.
As the onlooker, you may have lost a parent or sibling, and you equate that loss with the loss that someone else is experiencing. The issue is, what was your relationship like with the person you lost versus the relationship that someone else had with the person they lost? What is the nature of the loss, and was it expected or unexpected?
I was very close to my grandmother but my own laziness kept me from writing to her on a regular basis. I regret that now, but it does not change my feelings for her. With her living in Michigan and my living in California, we were physically separated. Adding the fact that she had a hearing problem, which made it difficult to talk on the phone, the communication distance grew. When she was placed in a nursing home and her memory faded, there was another layer of separation between us. So when my grandmother passed away, I was sad, but I knew that she was no longer suffering and that her memory and health were fully restored. I felt relief for her but my grief was not a deep debilitating grief. Her death was a natural death and the distance reduced the pain of her death tremendously.
Then came the death of my cousin, who while I did not spend much time with her over the last part of her life, I did talk with her quite a bit and there was an active relationship between the two of us. Her death was not a natural death either and she passed away when she was 21 years old. This was out of the normal scheme of life and was something which hit me very hard. Very hard!
So in the case of Jonn’s death, there was a level of pain that I just cannot to this day explain. The only comparison that I can use to show how much the pain of Jonn’s death affected us, is by this crude yet simple explanation.
Just about everyone has experienced a severe sunburn. A sunburn so bad that you cannot sleep beause you are awakened by the pain. A sunburn so bad that a shower hurts, or putting on a shirt or pants hurt. A sunburn that hurts so bad that even wind blowing across the skin is painful. This is a sunburn which no matter what you do, you are constantly in pain. Even putting on pain relieving gel hurts! And the most innocent things in your surrounding increases the pain.
One of the things that we learn very quickly with the sunburn is to avoid anything that makes the pain worse. Sunburned legs – avoid long pants and wear shorts. Sunburned arms, avoid long sleeves and wear short sleeve shirts. Sun burned back – avoid rubbing against anything and avoid people who like to slap you on the back.
When my neighbors saw me, they offered to put Aloe Vera on my back. One of the girls commented that she had never felt a back as hot as mine. As quickly as she applied the Aloe gel, it dried up immediately. It took about 5 applications before the gel stopped drying up, and when that happened, I put on a T shirt so that I could go to bed and not smear Aloe all over my sheets. Well the T shirt stuck to the gel and throughout the night, I was awakened by the simplest movement. A slight move of the shoulder, which is now connected to every square inch of my skin on my back and I was wide awake in pain. It was so bad that after a couple of hours of trying to sleep, I had to get up and take a shower and remove the shirt, which again is now glued to every part of my deep sunburned back.
It took forever to get the water temperature just right but the pressure of the water, even at is lowest pressure was excruciating. I finally managed however to soak the T shirt and was able to carefully remove the shirt with the least amount of pain. After standing in the shower for 10 minutes or so, I turned off the water, opened the sliding glass door, and carefully stepped out of the shower (my legs were lobster red also). As I took my last step out from the shower, my back scraped against the glass door. Before I knew it, I was pulling the towel bar off the wall as I went down to my knees in a pain which I cannot adequately describe. The easiest description is that it felt as if I was having my skin ripped off of my back.
And there was a time long before when I was still living in Michigan. My brother Robert and I went fishing one day and we were stupid. No suntan lotion and yes, we floated on the lake for several hours. That evening we both went to a Lion’s game, back when the Detroit Lions were still playing football at a professional level (I had to say that). Our sun burns were so bad that we were radiating so much heart making it difficult sitting next to each other. The heat from my arms was making Robert’s sunburn hurt even more. And the heat from his arms was making my sunburn hurt even more. It was a rough and uncomfortable night at that game.
Grief has a similar affect. The person who is in a deep agonizing grief is experiencing so much pain, that not even the softest voice and gentlest word can be received without adding to the pain. Even the softest voice can hurt, but there comes with that hurt a sense of compassion. There comes a sense of knowing to say very little and to offer soothing comfort by simply sitting and listening.
So often people feel the need to “say” something out of a desire to help. But like the sunburn, there really is nothing to say to relieve the pain of losing someone who is very close to you. This is why I have referred the end of Job 2 on two other occasions:
Job 2: 11 When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
Isn’t the Bible amazing? It teaches us how to offer care for the bereaved.
Grief, in the case of losing a very close and loved one, is gut wrenching, life stopping, and beyond any further description. In our case, losing Jonn without any explanation adds to the pain. Losing a child is out of the natural order of life. Losing a child in the manner in which Jonn died, without the preparation of a looming death from cancer, without the blame of someone else who pulled a trigger, or someone who drove drunk and crashed into Jonn, or drugs or a collapsing building…….
The death of Jonn, who was in perfect health, without any warning, has brought all of us to our knees. There is not a single hour where we are not thinking of Jonn. We are coming up on his 6th month anniversary and we are no better off now than we were when we heard that he died.
On the outside, people would disagree with that comment because they see us living a life almost identical to how we lived before Jonn died. But the truth is; it is a show. We put on a face to be able to go out and exist because life does continue for us, but it continues with a pain that we live with every moment. We smile and laugh, but inside we are crying and when we are alone, we are able to let loose the emotions. We force ourselves to do things that we do not want to do, and while people think that we are over our grief, know this…grief is just getting started with us. This is something that I learned while interviewing everyone for Love Fest. What we are experiencing is normal for people who have lost a close loved one. The phrase that is used for the bereaved is: New Normal. And that is exactly correct, this is our new normal.
You learn to adjust, and early on when the initial pain is so intense (the first 3-4 months) you learn how not to scrape your sunburned back against the glass door. You learn not to put on the long pants over sunburned legs. You learn what to avoid and where not to go. You quickly learn that some people mean well, but the things that they say or do cause more pain instead of providing comfort. You learn where the comfortable places to go are, and avoid the places and people who bring out even more pain.
You also expect comfort from those who you thought were close, but their lack of sensitivity, their lack of care in some cases, are just like the sunburned back being scraped against the shower door. Their absence, lack of care and comfort are just as painful even if their actions are not intentional. This is why I took the direction that I took for Love Fest. Everyone I interviewed expressed the pain they felt when people abandoned them to their grief or was unable to understand or care. I am sure that in all of the cases, the abandonment was not done to bring about the pain, but was done out of ignorance of the bereaving persons pain.
We try to quantify things based upon our own feelings and what is important in our own lives, but this is where the greatest command in the Bible comes into play. So many people take this passage the wrong way simply because the key word has so many meanings, but the truth is, in the following passage there is only one true meaning:
Mark 12:29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
Love – the type of Love which Jesus is referring to is AGAPE love, which is a sacrificial love whereby you put your own desires last, and put others first. Many people take this word in this passage as an affectionate love, like what we have for our parents, sibling and spouse. But this passage refers to a love whereby you will make personal sacrifices to help others, putting your own desires last.
People have come to be with Ana and they make sacrifices at times just to be there for her. These are the people who Ana as learned where to find comfort and relief, even if it is a momentary relief. These are the people whom Ana looks forward to when they come and visit, send her cards, or call her as Ana is now able to talk on the phone with people. This is something that others shared with during the interviews. Several of those who were grieving could not talk on the phone early on because they were in so much pain. People on the outside could not understand and took the rejection of their phone calls as a personal rejection of their help. And we have witnessed firsthand what others have said. When people called to talk on the phone and perceived that they were not wanted or rejected, they never bothered to call again or come and visit.
Relationships change because of grief, and through our Grief Share classes, the video testimonies from Grief Share, and from my own Love Fest interviews, the response is the same. Everyone had specific relationships before death appeared, and how some of these relationships have either changed or dissolved. This is attributed to:
· The new normal, where the bereaved lives are changed and will never go back to the lives they had before
· The inability of others in the relationships to sympathize and understand (a sense of abandonment)
· The inability to know how to offer care and compassion, so people simply walk away (abandon)
· The unwillingness of others in the relationship to address a loss and avoid the subject, mentioning the deceased one’s name, all together (more abandonment)
People on the outside of grief, be it people who used to be close friends, co-workers or relatives want the bereaved to return to their normal life, and they become frustrated when that does not happen. They put pressure on the bereaved to get back to their old life, and when that does not happen, instead of reaching out and trying to show compassion and love, they throw out attacks and increase the pain for the bereaved.
Ana has been dealing with that aspect from early on. She knows where to find comfort, and knows how to avoid the things that increase the pain. She also knows where her support comes from, while at the same time is reminded where her support is not coming from.
One of the most frustrating comments that we deal with is this: Ana, when are you going to come back to the family. We miss you and wish that you would come back so that we could all be a family again.
So the first question is, at what point following Jonn’s death did Ana walk away from her family? The answer is….She never walked away from her family. It was just the opposite, whereby some of her family walked away from her. Because of the length of time from when this first happened, Ana no longer desires to be with certain family members, and of course the comments about forgiveness and being a Christian are thrown out, yet these comments miss the mark.
First of all, Ana does forgive unconditionally so this is not the issue. Secondly just because forgiveness is offered does not mean that life goes back to the way it was before. As I stated before, this is the new normal which everyone who has lost a close loved one will tell you. We will never go back to who we were or how we lived before. And take into account the sunburn pain relief concept to avoid whatever it is that increases the pain, and gravitate to whatever brings about relief. Why go to a place which only adds to the pain?
Now there are many areas in the bible which talk about guarding the heart, avoiding stumbling blocks, having nothing to do with those who cause strife or division, but my favorite one comes from the Apostle Paul.
Paul was personally selected by Jesus, while Paul (formerly known as Saul) was actually persecuting and killing Christians. Paul was converted on the road to Damascus and became the greatest Apostle of all. Paul has contributed to the NT more than any other Apostle or disciple. Paul confronted Peter, whom some people claim to be the first Pope. During the Jerusalem Council, Paul proves that Peter was in error in his teachings (Galatians 2:11-21 and evidence against Papal infallacy), and the other Apostles joined Paul and reproved Peter. In the end, Peter is corrected in front of the Apostles and starts teaching according to what Jesus taught. So what is it that Paul says about being in fellowship (being together)?
Acts 15: 36 Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, “Let us go back and visit the believers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing.” 37 Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, 38 but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. 39 They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, 40 41 but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches.
Simply put, because Mark had abandoned them, Paul wanted nothing to do with Mark. We never hear after that of Paul and Mark getting back together.
Ana has not left the family. It is actually some of her family who has left her. One member has been absent since the day of Jonn’s funeral. Why? This is something that I cannot answer. I have asked why, I have tried to show a need for care and comfort for Ana, I have tried to help people understand why the “big issue” occurred shortly after Jonn’s funeral, but it always turns against us. I have tried with the best of intentions to help resolve this conflict, and in my clumsy way because I am far from perfect, it gets turned around and the attacks on us continue.
I have tried to open up opportunities where we could meet at neutral places (not at anyone’s home). I suggested that during the Lent mid week services, we would be at our church, making it a local drive for some family members to come and meet with Ana (before, after or during the soup suppers) so that they could show her that they care for her. In the end, I get accused of either trying to convert them to Lutherans or accused of saying that their faith is weak and that only in the Lutheran Church will they have faith, or that I am insisting that they come and “beg for forgiveness”. All of these comments are far from the truth, yet one person spins their story to make them look like the victim and Ana remains ignored.
They say that they care about Ana, but offer up every excuse why they cannot be there for their own flesh and blood. To me, this is inexcusable actions on their part and they have no idea how much this hurts her. If you care, then show it and make a sacrifice, the Agape love which we are called to show.
I try to help Ana and will address this in the next page. She is my Wife for Life. She is my Life and I will do whatever it takes to be there for her, support her, protect her, comfort her and protect her. I hate seeing her in pain and while I cannot stop the pain of grief, I have tried my hardest to stop the pain that has been inflicted by her family to no avail. We continue to offer forgiveness, but that does not mean that we have to welcome them into our lives from this point forward. Not as long as abuse, abandonment and attacks continue.
And it does not stop with this situation. Just before we got married, Ana was asked by an immediate family member: "why would any man in his right mind want to marry a woman with three kids"? This should have been my first clue as to how her family viewed her. But to answer the question “Why”: because I love Ana. I loved her then, I love her now and I will always love her. Ana is my priority and nothing, not even my own relatives from my side of the family could ever drive a wedge between Ana and I (for the record, nobody on my side of the family as ever done that. They have always been supportive of Ana). I married Ana and she is whom my allegiance lies with, nobody else.
And along with my love for her, I love Paul, Kristy, Michelle and all of their spouses and all of the grandchildren. I might be the step parent, but after 22 years of marriage, I will always love and care for them as if I was their own biological father.
Less than a month ago, I was out of state at one of my other offices for a quick day trip. There was a lady there from Washington DC who I had met once before. As we were talking, she asked me how many kids I have. This was the first time I had been asked that since Jonn’s death.
I told her that I have 5 kids and proudly said Paul – born in 1975, Kristy – born in 1977, Michelle - born in 1979, Robyn - born in 1991 and Jonn – Born in 1993. We talked about all of them and I proudly spoke about Paul Kristy and Michelle as if I were their biological father, in the same way that I talked about Robyn.
Of course when she asked me about Jonn and what his plans are for life, I proudly told her that Jonn is a saint, forever 18 years old, living a sinless life in Heaven. I was at work, holding in the emotions, because it was not the right time to cry.
On the way to the airport, Kevin, the local boss who spent some time in my office in LA, was talking with me about the family and Jonn. I was still at work, holding in the emotions, because it was not the right time to cry.
I waited until I landed and then driving home when I was all by myself. On the outside, people see us as moving along, getting by. On the inside, when we are all alone and nobody can see us…We cry.
I affectionately love them all and through the Agape love which God places upon our heart, I will always put them first and want to care, comfort and protect each and every one of them. This means that sometimes, I will stand between them and those who bring about pain. I will take their attacks in defense of those whom I love.
To be continued………
Page 24
Written on April 30th
…..continued
Almost 2 years ago I led a married couples bible study on marriage as outlined in the bible. The group had been studying books on marriage, but I wanted to really dive into studying the bible about marriage and what the men and women’s roles were. So after a lot of research, studying and praying, we started off with the men and that specific study on the husband’s role lasted a solid 5 months.
I bring this up because it pertains to how I try to live my life as a Christian husband and an understanding of this study will help understand my actions with regard for caring for my family and especially Ana.
The 5 month study stemmed from a short passage found in Ephesians 5:
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ….
This is a powerful statement, for the Husband to love his wife as Jesus loves the church. How do you quantify that statement? Where do you find the comparison or list of qualities of Christ’s love?
I may have mentioned how when we had small group bible studies at our house, Jonn had asked me a couple of times if he could lead a children’s Bible study. I think he was only 8-10 years old, and I told him that to lead a study, he would have to spend a lot of time preparing, reading, praying and more reading to be able to lead a study.
Jonn loved talking about God and the Bible. He was never ashamed of his faith and talking about Jesus. He enjoyed church, Bible studies, and as I was going through the Deacon program, which consisted of 10 specific 16 week courses, Jonn on several occasions would go with me to sit and listen. When I was going through the Stephen’s Ministry initial training, which consisted of a 26 week course, Jonn was known to be with me as well.
When Jonn became a member of the Air Force Chaplains society, he was very excited and even mentioned that if his other desire to join the Arnold Air Society conflicted with the Chaplain’s group, that he would chose to be a part of the Chaplain’s group because God had blessed him with so much. I did not learn that until after Jonn’s passing, and it came as a shock to me because Jonn was always talking about the Arnold Air Society.
On one of Jonn’s last days with us, he was so excited in telling Ana that he was asked to lead a Bible Study at the Chaplains society session.
Jonn and I spoke a lot about our faith and the role that men had in the family and church. He and I would talk about how our faith fits into society, how we are to love everyone without judgment, and share the Gospel without any fear. Jonn had an understanding of sin and how all sin is equal in God’s eyes. Jonn understood that the basic definition of sin is putting our own desires first and God last. He knew that by justifying bad behavior by including the word “Love” did not condone the behavior, but simply made an excuse for doing what we want, instead of doing what God’s wants us to do.
Jonn understood the need to study God’s word and understand it’s application. And because of that, Jonn and I enjoyed a dialogue regarding the married couples Bible Study. I shared with him what we were doing and the verses that were used.
This may seem at first to be a big deviation from what I have been talking about from page 1 to page 22, but this all ties in to what I am talking about on page 23:
The first couple of weeks of the marriage Bible Study was an overview with each week ending with verses to memorize and men and women commandments (some material has been plagiarized from the internet):
The end of week 1:
Men: Commandment #1.
1. You shall love your wife and commit yourself to her for a lifetime of oneness in marriage - divine and indivisible. You shall make of your marriage an exclusive relationship so that your wife shall never have occasion to doubt your love nor occasion for jealousy or lack of trust. As the scriptures say, "Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25); "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9); "Cleave unto thy wife" (Genesis 2:24).
The Husband
The goal of marriage, according to God’s Holy and inspired word is completeness, oneness and unity. Genesis 2:24 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (See also Matthew 19:5; Mark 10:6-9; Ephesians 5:31).
In order to achieve this oneness or unity in a marriage the husband must know and fulfill his biblical role and the wife must know and fulfill her biblical role. The problem is that there is mass confusion and chaos today concerning what the role of the husband is and what the role of the wife is in the marital relationship.
Can you imagine the utter confusion that would exist on a football team if the players did not know what their specific responsibilities were? Or, picture the chaos and frustration in a business where there are no job descriptions, where everything is everybody's business and nothing is anybody's business, where everyone is a "chief" and no one is an "Indian". This is the kind of confusion, chaos and frustration that exists in many marriages today because there has never been a sorting out of the responsibilities.
The Bible defines the wife's God-given responsibilities to her husband as well as the husband's God-given responsibilities to his wife. For the next three Sunday’s, if not longer, we are going to focus on a husbands responsibility to his wife.
Having searched all over the bible, our clearest description of a Husbands role is found in:
Ephesians 5:25 25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
Which leads us to ask: How did Christ love the church? We cannot fully understand the love that Christ has for the church but Scripture speaks of the breadth and length and height and depth of the love of Christ, which surpasses knowledge (Ephesians. 3:17-19).
Some Things We Do Know About Christ’s Love For Us (the church)
He loves us despite our sin (unconditionally) Romans 5:8
1. Do you as a husband show unconditional love for your wife?
2. Do you use anger or hatred (real or not) in a way that is unloving?
3. Do you manipulate your wife by twisting and turning things around?
He chose to love us (volitionally) 1 John 4:10; Ephesians 1:4
1. Does your love for your wife show that she is first?
2. Do you love your wife over everything in the world as nothing can come before her?
His love is an intense love -- John 13:1; Ephesians 5:2, 25
1. Do you daily humble yourself for your wife and serve her strictly out of love?
2. Do you actively give of yourself, without complaint or boasting out of love for your wife?
His love is an unending love Jeremiah 31:3; Romans 8:38-39
1. Men, Does your love for your wife ever stop (due to anger, self serving needs, etc) or do you always show love and kindness?
2. Husbands, is there anything in your life that is keeping you from being with your wife in the same manner that Jesus loves the church?
3. Does God hear you trying to push your wife away or see you not wanting to be with her?
His love is an unselfish love Philippians 2:6-7
1. Have you shown yourself to be the servant, a nobody, or do you boldly profess your position as the “MASTER”? whom your wife must obey?
His love is a purposeful love -- Ephesians 5:26-27; He works for our improvement, our development, our happiness, our welfare.
1. Improvement or controlling?
2. Development or discouragement?
3. Joint happiness or self servicing joy in tearing down your spouse?
4. Joint welfare or self serving motivation?
His love is a sacrificial love -- He loved us and gave himself for us. He died, the just for the unjust, to bring us to God. In love, He endured the horrible death of the cross with all of its physical and spiritual torture and agony. In love, He bore the guilt and penalty of sin and the wrath of God in the place of His people. In love, He personally bore our sins in His own body on the cross so that the penalty and power and devastating effects of sin in our lives might be broken (Ephesians 5:2, 25; Galatians 2:20; I Peter 3:18; Romans 5:6-11; I Peter 2:24).
1. Which of these characteristics of Jesus Love will your wife say you display?
a. Give of yourself
b. Endure physical, spiritual and emotional agony
c. Willing to take full responsibility of all actions in your marriage, in the same manner that Adam was held accountable for what Eve did, but without holding it over your wife, ever?
d. Willing to sacrifice yourself so that your wife can be served (making time to be with your wife no matter what, missing self important events to show your wife your love for her, delaying retirement for the welfare of your wife and family, doing whatever it takes to make your marriage a Godly marriage)
His love is an obvious (manifested) love -- Christ manifests (shows) His love in words and deeds. He tells us He loves us. He shows us He loves us. He protects us, prays for us, guards us, strengthens us, helps us, defends us, teaches us, comforts us, chastens us, equips us, empathizes with us, and provides for all our needs (John 10:1-14; 14:1-3; 13:34, 35; 15:9-10; Romans 8:32; Philippians 4:13, 19; Hebrews 4:14-16).
Honesty test now:
Wives – I’m putting you on the spot. List the following of what your Husband does:
o Does your Husband show Love in words and deeds or does your Husband use words to make excuses and not show love?
o Does your Husband tell you how much he loves you or do his words show how much he does not love you?
o Does your husband sacrificially protect you, and guard you or does your husband try to throw you under the bus and leave you on your own?
o Does your husband try to strengthen you, help you, defend you or does your husband try to tear you down, break you apart, and offer you no help?
o Does your husband teach God’s word, comfort you, equip you and empathize with you, or does your husband twist God’s word around to bring discomfort in your life, not give you the tools, and not care about your feelings?
Since we are to love our wives like Christ loves the Church, (that is, as individual Christians) this then is the standard by which a husband is to judge his love for his wife!
Men, is your love for your wife unconditional, volitional, intensive, unending, unselfish, purposeful, sacrificial and obvious? This is the kind of love that we are to have for our wives.
Men, if you are convicted by these questions, you are in need of true repentance. It is time for you to be held accountable for your role as a husband.
3rd commandment for Husbands:
You shall talk with your wife when you come home from your work, when you sit in your house, when you lie down and when thou rise up. you shall even, at times, turn off the TV (or computer) to assure her she is more cherished than your favorite TV program (Consider: Ephesians 5:2).
Romans 1:20 20 For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.
Lesson 4
We looked at the many ways in which Christ loves the church, but there is another aspect to love which we have not addressed yet.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is another very helpful passage. It goes to great lengths to describe biblical actions of love...
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Patient --
Instead of asking if you are patient, the better question is, do you lose your patience with your wife?
Kind –
We can all be kind at one point or another, but how long does you kindness last. Better yet, what is the antonym for kind, and which do you display more than the other?
Envy—
What are the causes of Envy?
Boast –
How often men, do you brag to your wife what you have done for her?
i.e. Look at what I did for you, and you do not even care.
I give up a lot of stuff for you, you should do the same for me.
Proud –
What is proud love?
Rude –
The opposite to rude is polite? How often are you rude and how often are you polite, and why aren’t you polite all the time. Give examples of what polite is.
Self Seeking—
When we put ourselves first, instead of our spouse, that is self seeking. Cite some examples of what your wife might say is a self seeking trait. Cite some examples of where you show that your wife’s needs are your preferred action.
Easily angered --
This is almost the opposite of patient, however anger can be justifiable anger (when defying or going against God’s word). The question lies however with displaying anger, and does the anger control your relationship.
What verse addresses “slow to anger”:
Keeps no record of wrongs –
If we can bring up past wrongs (sins against us) which have been forgiven, don’t we open up the door for God to bring up our past?
Matthew 7:1-3
Rejoices with the truth –
What do you think this means?
Protects --
How do you protect your wife, in love?
List some examples of a protecting love
Trusts –
This section intentionally left blank
Hopes --
This section intentionally left blank for open discussion
Perseveres –
This section intentionally left blank for open discussion
Men, when you measure your love for your wife by the 1 Corinthians 13 yardstick, how are you doing?
Do you really love your wife as you love yourself?
Are you really pressing toward the goal of loving your wife as Christ loved the church?
Is your love for your wife unconditional, volitional, intensive, unending, unselfish, purposeful, sacrificial and obvious? This is the kind of love that we are to have for our wives. If the answer to any of the questions above is a no or not really, now is the time for confession and full repentance.
Tangible Ways You Can Love Your Wife
· Listen to her and talk to her while giving her your full attention (Proverbs 25:11)
· Provide for her needs (1 Timothy 5:8; Ephesians 5:28) -- Physical, emotional, social, intellectual, sexual, spiritual needs
· Protect her (Ephesians 5:29; 1 Peter 3:7) ...from trying to do more then she can or should do ...and give her a breather from the demands of the children
· Help her (Ephesians 5:25)
· Encourage her (Ephesians 4:29)
· Sacrifice for her, choose to do her will (Ephesians 5:25)
· Share your life with her and encourage her to share hers with you (1 Peter 3:7)
· Be satisfied with her (Proverbs 5:19)
· Make her first place (1 Peter 3:7)
· Express commitment to her (Matthew 19:6)
· Treat her tenderly, courteously, respectfully (Ephesians 4:32)
· Overlook her faults (1 Peter 4:8; Colossians 3:13)
· Openly show that you cherish and appreciate her (Ephesians 5:29, 2 Timothy 3:2 not unthankful)
Gods Will For Every Husband Is That He Love His Wife as Christ loved the Church!
Ana, along with all of our kids, come first in my eyes. I will do everything in my power to show them that they are loved, to encourage them, to comfort them, but I am a sinner and often times I miss the mark. I am not perfect and do not boast of perfection. All I can do is have the mindset of loving, as Christ loves everyone of us.
This means for me to do everything in my powers to stop the attacks, defend my family and ask for love to be shown to them. If while doing this I cause offense, I can only ask for forgiveness and beg for people to understand what my ultimate goal is, which is to care and protect my family.
Ana, the mother who carried all 5 of her kids in her womb, who has lost her youngest son, is in deep pain. She grieves the loss of Jonn, grieves the pain of seeing all of her kids suffer from Jonn’s loss, and grieves the absence of her family’s support.
Ana has not left her family. It is a few of them who have left her, who themselves have turned the family upside down. Mix that with her grief and you understand her pain.
This is our new normal…..!
After a long unintended delay: Page 25
After a long unintended delay: Page 25
The following table was used for open discussion, but I am only submitting a few filled sections. We spent a lot of time each week discussing these points and we would spend time coming up with synonyms and antonyms:
Patient --
Patient
|
Impatient
|
Enduring
|
Frustrated
|
Uncomplaining
|
Annoyed
|
Unwearied
|
Irritated
|
Serene
|
Edgy
|
Tolerant
|
Intollerant
|
Understanding
|
Hotheaded
|
Kind –
Kind
|
Unkind
|
Generous
|
Mean
|
Helpful
|
Hurtful
|
Caring
|
Selfish
|
Thoughtful
|
Spiteful
|
Considerate
|
Uncaring
|
Understanding
|
deceitful
|
Compassionate
| |
Encouraging
| |
Giving
|
Envy—
Boast
Proud – what is proud love
Rude
page 25
Finished watching your video - Thank you for finding the strength to do this, and for all of the people who participated. My heart is hugging all of you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Mary for your kind words. God Bless you.
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