Written on December 11th, 2011
The week of November 17th
I completely forgot to add that on Tuesday, Ana and I went down to the LA County Hall of records to pick up our copies of the death certificate. Our funeral director was going to obtain them for us, however their time line of 3 -4 weeks, utilizing the USPS vs. our actually going down to the Hall of Records that day was a no brainer. Ana remained in the van while I went inside. I was dreading walking in to a very busy and crowded government building. I had no idea how long it was going to take. To my amazement, there were only two other people who were trying to get whatever they needed. My wait was less than 1 minute. At the end of the process, I was feeling the emotions coming forth. I just could not get over the fact that I was there, picking up Jonn’s final death certificate. This is still feeling like a bad dream that I want to stop.
As I was finishing up, a man walked into the room and in a very nervous agitated voice, begged for his daughter’s birth certificate. He stated that his daughter had just been abducted and how LAPD would not issue an AMBER alert without the birth certificate. All of a sudden everything that I was experiencing seemed senseless. I knew where Jonn was. I knew that he died without any fears or pain. I knew that I would see Jonn again. This man on the other hand had no idea what was going to be done to his daughter, and had no idea if she was going to suffer.
That same night, we changed GriefShare groups. This new group holds their sessions on Tuesday nights. Ana and I feel very comfortable at this new group. It offers a more intimate setting, does not have breakout sessions for the spouse loss vs. parent loss vs. child loss, and it is much easier for me to hear.
Back in 1988 I had an unfortunate experience in my previous job with loud gun fire. I had gone skeet shooting quite often in the Air Force and many times did not use hearing protection without incident. So this one day at work, using a 9 mm hand gun, I was not concerned with using hearing protection, after all, it is a much smaller gun than a shotgun. Wrong! After we finished shooting, I was deaf. I could not hear any sound at all. It lasted for 3 days and when I was able to hear, sounds were muffled for a long time. Since 1988 I have had loud ringing in both ears with diminished hearing more in my left ear than with my right. I have a very difficult time hearing and understanding voices when other sounds are present. When in noisy environments, it is very very difficult for me to understand conversations.
The reason for the change in groups is that the Advent season starts right after Thanksgiving and I will be leading the Wednesday night Taize services. These services are very meaningful to me and I do not want to miss them.
The other nice thing about the Tuesday night group is that there are only 13 people in the group (single or couples) which will include Kristy, Michelle and Robyn, and of all 13 people, 11 of us have experienced the loss of a child (or sibling in Kristy, Michelle and Robyn’s case). Of the 11 people, 9 of us have experienced the loss within the past year.
We learned about this group from the Wednesday night group, as the couple who lost their son to cancer in May told us that her church was starting GriefShare and that she would be going to her church from now on.
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Thursday November 17th
There is no set pattern for grief and how it affects a person. Each one of us has our moments. We are able to function and go out into the world, go to the grocery store, drive around, but there are definitely certain areas which are avoided because of the associated memories with Jonn.
We are approaching the 2nd month anniversary of Jonn’s death, and the first real holiday without Jonn. This is making it very painful for all of us, but especially Ana. Today is a very hard day and I feel so helpless. I keep praying and asking God to take away Ana’s motherly pain. I am held hostage in this terrible situation and can only wait for God to rescue Ana.
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Friday November 18th
Another doctor’s visit and I do not see him doing anything. He follows the typical grief counseling approach (remember that I am a trained grief counselor myself). He sit’s, leans forward to show interest and in a 1 hour session, will ask 3 or 4 questions while letting Ana do all of the talking. When he does talk, I can barely hear the man.
It is so frustrating partially because I cannot hear him. I have told him that it is difficult to hear his voice. Still, he continues to lean forward into Ana’s space and stare at her while she does the talking. Ok, so he IS a Christian psychologist who understands our grief because he lost his daughter at an early age, but I do not see him doing anything above what I have been trained to do, and he is a doctor. I keep this to myself, but come on, he should be able to do better than what he is doing, and for pete’s sake, speak louder man.
Later that afternoon, Kristy comes over and as I have said before, I am so happy when she comes over. I know that it makes Jonn happy as well. Kristy had a very close relationship with Jonn. With all of the negative attention that the “big issue” has created, and all of the neglect she is subject to, or shall I say all of the inattention she is receiving, Kristy needs to spend more time with us. When she comes over, I know that it is helpful for her healing.
Grief, the loss of a loved one, is a life changer and I am learning just how ignorant I have been all of these years. I also now understand why people have said and continue to say what they say, act the way they act, and feel the way they feel. Grief support is simply a matter of connectivity with the one who has passed or the grief supporters own experience with death.
My bitterness towards everyone who says the wrong thing or who does not come to visit Ana (this only applies to a select few who should be with her) is gone. I am now working real hard to find a way to get the message out to those who cannot understand the pain of losing a loved one. It is my hope that someday, people who have never experienced a loss will be able to offer care and support through a full understanding of what it means to lose a loved one.
Matthew 25: 40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
I suspect that this will take a while, but in the mean time, I know that when Kristy comes to be with us, she is not only giving Ana her love, Kristy is receiving love from all of us. Still, even the love and care that she gets at our house is not enough and I need to find a way for Kristy to receive more grief support away from us. We will all need continued grief support, day and night, for a very long time.
For the readers who suggest that we all need to “get over it” or to “move on”, all I can say is this: if this story has not given you any insight into the pain of losing a child, know that there will be a day when you are faced with the reality of your own loved one’s death. Only then will you be able to look back and understand what others have experienced: The absence and abandonment from those who were counted upon. I do hope and pray that this story has made some impact upon you which would create a natural desire be compassionate and understanding with those who grieve.
Later that evening, our friend Val makes the long trek by himself to visit with us. Michelle was called at the last minute to fill in for an absent chaperone for the District Youth Gathering. I really enjoy Val’s visits. If I am allowed any regrets, it would be that I did not get to know him sooner. Val is truly a kind, loving and caring man and I am honored that he has chosen to reach out to us.
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Saturday November 19, 2011
Javier comes to visit and brings with him a nice surprise. Genesee, Jonn’s longest known friend from the school district (remember we live 25 miles from the schools). Genesee met Jonn when he started at the junior high school and was the first person he befriended. It is nice to see her and it has been a very long time since we talked, with the exception of a brief exchange at Jonn’s funeral. I really enjoyed their visit, unfortunately Ana was not doing well that afternoon so she did not spend much time with them.
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Monday November 21st, 2011
I am prepared to preach and this time I am taking a different approach. Preparing for this service has been hard because I do not want to stand at the pulpit as I have done in the past. I want to be able to give an expository sermon but be able to walk around at the front of the church. This is my first time preaching since Jonn’s funeral and because I am changing the preaching format, I struggled very hard with my outline. The past week’s events, some of which have not been penned, Jonn’s upcoming anniversary, Thanksgiving the day after and going back to work, all added to the struggle of preparing.
An expository sermon is a sermon which teaches the bible, verse by verse. I prefer this type of sermon as it provides a clearer teaching of God’s word. It is more of a bible study instead of anything else. That morning, I felt very uneasy about the sermon. I was worried that I would not be able to remember where I was in the sermon if I walked away from the pulpit. I was afraid that I would lose my place, and at this point in the day, I had not written a sermon, but simply made an outline. I was getting very nervous.
It was not until mid day when it hit me. A Bible study! That’s it! All I am doing is a bible study. This is something that I have been doing for a very long time, and all that is different is the venue. As long as I can jump to the pulpit and view the bullets in my outline, I should be able to preach. And through God’s grace, I am strengthened and empowered to preach His word.
Many times people take Matthew 25:31-46 as a lesson on giving to the homeless. In truth, that passage is on how we treat those who are Christians, those who are believers, God’s people. Yes, we are called to reach out to everyone, even those who do not believe, but we are held accountable for how we treat all of the believers, the Christian community. I mention how people in the church community love to be in the spot light and volunteer when they can be visible, but just like the lesson, when Jesus departed from the crowd, the “goats” quickly went back to their selfish ways. They only wanted to be associated with Jesus himself and could care less about the others. The first half of the passage was about those who were not looking for glory, but instead chose to take care of the needy, after Jesus had left. It is about those who care and love but never looking for the visibility and recognition. They served others just because of an unselfish love the spilled out from them, and from a self sacrifice which we are called to do:
Romans 12
A Living Sacrifice
1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship
That is what Jonn did. He was always offering himself as a living sacrifice, putting others first and himself last. The stories that we heard about Jonn talking with friends until the late night hours, the student sitting all alone and how Jonn would befriend that person and make them feel liked. There are many more which gives the example of what it is like to live a life for God instead of living for ourselves.
The passage talks about the result of living a spirit led life by putting ourselves last and everyone else first versus the person who puts themselves first and not caring for others first and the final judgment that comes with these people..
After the worship service, Val and Michelle invited us over for desert. But I guess that when Michelle had heard that Ana and I had not eaten, she changed the menu from desert only to dinner for Ana and I, followed by desert with her family. I think that I am going to preach on that passage more often <grin>!
You cannot find nicer people than Val and Michelle. They are angels in my book.
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Wednesday November 23rd, 2011
Time is ticking away. Today is the 2 month anniversary of Jonn’s death, the day before Thanksgiving, and less than a week away from going back to work. The whole work issue is up in the air. It will be a day by day process for Ana and I need to make sure that I am able to get back home if for some reason she has to leave work early.
I have been slowing receiving more and more work related calls and emails as the return to work day approaches. This week is going south very fast.
4:00pm comes and we are a much smaller group than the first anniversary. It is just Ana, Michelle and her kids, Kristy and Mackenzie and I. We say a prayer in Jonn’s room and in anticipation for Thanksgiving, it makes the anniversary of Jonn’s death much darker. The loneliness of the day has a heavy sting to it.
4:00pm comes and we are a much smaller group than the first anniversary. It is just Ana, Michelle and her kids, Kristy and Mackenzie and I. We say a prayer in Jonn’s room and in anticipation for Thanksgiving, it makes the anniversary of Jonn’s death much darker. The loneliness of the day has a heavy sting to it.
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Thursday November 24th, 2011
Today is the day when we are reminded what Jonn said a year ago. That statement of not being here for Thanksgiving rings true, but instead of Jonn being at the Air Force Academy, Jonn is in Heaven. Was God trying to get us prepared for Jonn’s absence? Is that why Jonn said what he said? Did God create/inspire those thoughts in Jonn? And when Jonn said that Mia and Mackenzie would grow up not remembering him, rest assured that we will make sure that they remember him. We give thanks to God for the ability to record family videos and for West Ranch TV.
I would equate Thanksgiving Day as the worst day since we learned of Jonn’s death. In true form to what every grief counselor and grief group says, the farther you get away from the date of Jonn’s death, and on the first holiday, it gets worse. Ana is indeed showing this to be true. She did not want to get out of bed at all. Since Jonn’s death, I had not seen Ana as bad as she is today.
Eventually everyone is at the house. Paul and his family, Kristy and her family, Michelle and her family, plus Ana, Robyn and myself. We did not do the traditional dinner. Instead, we had curried pork fried rice (taking the family pork fried rice recipe, I add a lot of Indian curry. A lot!) We also had Gang Dang Kai, a red curry Thai dish. It uses a couple of cans of coconut milk, bamboo shoots, a lot of Serrano chili’s, red bell pepper with white rice. We also had Chicken and vegetable Gyoza’s.
It was a thanksgiving dinner well out of the ordinary, but the most important thing was the empty seat and plate which we had for Jonn.
Holidays suck now. And because of how things have turned out, I find myself wanting to disassociate with a certain group of people. I have even made up my mind that Christmas eve will be different this year. Even if I go by myself, I will be with the youth group from our church feeding the homeless at the Pasadena Union Station from 6p-9p, and then I will go to the 11p evening church service. I will not go anywhere else that evening.
It seemed as if Thanksgiving lasted a life time. I was completely helpless with regards to comforting Ana. Paul, Kristy, Michelle and Robyn all had their emotional moments. But when Paul’s wife Susie showed her emotions, I was really caught by surprise. Susie is a very beautiful and sweet woman who is quiet and reserved and I was really moved by her display of grief over Jonn’s death. I didn’t know until she was crying, how much she cared for Jonn. In an odd sort of way, I am thankful to God that I could see that side of Susie. I felt a sense of comfort and closeness with her.
It was a very hard time from the moment Ana woke up, to the moment she went to bed. I wonder if what everyone had told us, the fact that it gets worse long before it gets better added to the day’s pain?
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Friday November 25th, 2011
Black Friday is right. Today is almost as bad as yesterday (Thanksgiving). It does not help that we are all alone today with nothing to do. Contrary to the many suggestions of going away or getting out to “do things”, Black Friday is not the day when someone who is freshly grieving should be going out.
Ana does not want anyone to come and visit either. Perhaps it is fueled by her upcoming return to work. That anxiety of the two of us being separated and having to deal with life without Jonn. Ana correlates moving on in our lives as forgetting about Jonn. While we all know that there is no truth in that statement, it is hard for a mother who lost her son to understand the fallacy of that line of reasoning.
I try everything I can to help lift up Ana’s spirit’s. I feel like I am losing my ability to offer love, comfort and care. Men and women grieve so differently. I have learned more about this as I talk with other men who have lost a loved one. I am not going to give up though. I am going to keep calling upon God’s strength, wisdom, and patience, especially when I fail to display strength, wisdom and patience.
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Sunday November 27th, 2011
Today is a blessed day. Today Madison will be baptized and Ana and I will be her God parents. Today is a wonderful and beautiful day. I loved standing up front with Paul, Susie, Madison and Ana. I loved it when the pastor asked me to pick Madison up so that he could pour the water over her. I loved seeing Madison walk up to the altar with pastor to pray after she was baptized. I loved seeing Madison walk down the aisle of the church as Pastor introduced her to the congregation as our newest baptized member. I loved seeing her in her beautiful white dress.
The Lutheran Church Missouri Synod holds firmly to the teaching that Baptism is a means of grace whereby God’s promise of forgiveness is fulfilled, and the empowerment by the Holy Spirit happens. We take scripture in truth, that God gives us faith, through the hearing of His word, and through the power of the Holy Spirit. We firmly confess that Baptism is not an outward gesture on our part, but the complete workings of God, placing faith upon the recipient’s heart:
Ephesians 2:8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God
1 Corinthians 12:3 …and no one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the Holy Spirit.
1 Corinthians 2:14 The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit.
I have always said that I could feel the increased power of the Holy Spirit at every baptism. I really felt the Holy Spirit today. I also felt as if Jonn was with us during the baptism. This indeed was a beautiful day that we will always remember.
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The week of November 28th, 2011
Monday is dread day. I am confident that I will be fine at work. My worries are with Ana. Her return to work is on a positive note. Michelle will drive Ana to work to help relieve any anxiety that Ana might have. Her work is also sending in a 3rd person to work the kitchen, just in case Ana experiences emotional set-backs. I leave the house before Ana does because I want to get to work early and leave early. I used to work 12 hour days but only plan to work the bare minimum of 8 hours.
I hate having to leave Ana but we need to do this. We need to start getting back to what we used to do. Again, I am not worried about how I will do. I am sure that I will be just fine. After all, I have spent 2 months being by Ana’s side. I have not had any problems with my emotions while Ana is awake, with the exception of a few moments at the crematorium, All Saint’s Sunday, and an occasional Holy Communion. I have been staying very strong this whole time.
So as I left for work, I started my early morning calls with Washington DC. Low and behold I did not make it 10 miles before I had to pull off the road because I was crying so hard. Where the heck did that come from?
Ok, so I was talking to Cindy from Motorola when that happened. She was extending her condolences and all. Was it that motherly voice of hers that set me off? Was it her feminine touch which put me in a tail spin? Was it the fact that for the first time in many weeks, someone actually asked me how I was feeling? I finish the call and compose myself. I manage to make it the remaining 35 miles to work without incident, which also covered about 3 more phone calls. No problems at all.
I stop in on the main floor, knowing that the best approach is for me to walk all 4 floors, greet anyone I see, and help them overcome the “awkwardness” of what should we say or do. The first person I see is Lani and she gets up from her desk and gives me a hug. Damn it I say to myself! Am I going to be red-eyed all day? Ok, I say to myself, be strong again, like I was at home with Ana and the girls. I wipe away the tears, Lani and I talk, and then I move on to the next person.
I run across several people and am doing real good. I have it covered now. I’m strong once again.
I go over to the conference room and talk to Craig. No problems at all. Paul shows up to discuss the upcoming conference. Paul had gone through a scare recently in his life as his wife gave birth to twin preemies. They almost did not survive and his son had to have several brain surgeries. I have known Paul ever since he started working at our job. Paul has always been one of my favorite colleagues to work with and it was nice to see him.
Paul looked at me, shook my hand and said quietly: “I do not know what to say”
Ok, who spiked my water? I lost it. I lost it hard just like I did at the crematorium or during All Saints Sunday. This is not funny at all. I am sure that I shocked them when I lost it. Fortunately I stopped it within the first 8 hours (joking here), and managed to escape.
When I finally made it to my office, which is located about 2 states away from the main office (another joke, but I am many floors from the main office floors), I sat down and contemplated what had just happened. I take a moment to check in on Ana, and I could hear her fear and pain. She manages to make it to work.....
Chris walks in to visit. Chris is someone who just happened to be at the Vatican when he heard about Jonn. Christ lit a candle for us and sent me an email immediately after he did that. Even a staunch Lutheran can appreciate what he did (pastor, please do not have me defrocked or excommunicated for that – another joke). I think Chris was in my office for about 60 seconds before I lost it. And this time, it was a double loss. My sinuses from allergies had been bad so when I lost it and had to blow my nose, my nose started bleeding real bad. Now I am crying and bleeding like there was no end in sight.
I get both the crying and bleeding under control, clean the blood off of my shirt and wonder why is this happening to me. I had been so strong all this time at home. And then I realized what was going on. I had been so strong taking care of everyone else, and was holding it in so long that all it took was one simple “Mark – how are YOU doing”. Great, now that people are asking me, about me, the water works have been let lose.
So Chris leaves and shortly after Bill walks in. I am beginning to wonder if an open door policy is a good thing. And it all starts over again.
Both Ana and I make it through day 1. We feel much more comfortable at home. I am even more grateful because I can concentrate on taking care of the family and can be strong once again.
Early in the morning, I received a call from church asking me if I could preach in the evening. I naturally said yes, and then realized that I was at work and had no way to write a sermon that fast. Pastor said that I could read his sermon, and I agreed to do just that. And never again will I do that, because I did not get a chance to fully read, and read, and read his sermon. When I preached that night, I had no idea what I was talking about and I felt very uncomfortable. Val and Michelle said I did a great job, but then again, consider the source. They are perfect people and would never say a bad thing.
The next day turned out to be a very bad day for Ana. I will not say what it was that set her off, just know that she had to leave work quickly and I had to go home early to be with her.
We went to the Tuesday night GriefShare and left feeling comforted, having a sense of belonging.
Wednesday is a better day for both of us. I am feeling much better and have fewer bouts of watery eyes. Wednesday is also the first Advent Taize service for this year. I really enjoy going to these services and this year has a nice addition to it. We go to Val and Michelle’s for dinner first and then go to the Taize service afterwards.
I am happy with the attendance and feel encourage about the next 3 remaining weeks. As we leave the church and drive home, I cannot help but notice how windy it is.
That same evening, around 9:00pm, I received an email from Paula. Steve Entzel passed away just a short time before. I had been called upon earlier in the year to perform a “laying on of hands” and praying for Steve. He was the same age as me and had a very strange form of stomach cancer. While they knew that he was going to pass away, Lori and her two kids were experiencing a pain that I knew only too well.
On Thursday, I made it a point to meet up with Lori, Christopher and Chelsea. I knew that they needed support just like what we needed. I was saddened to learn that the winds from the night before were massive winds which decimated several cities east of Los Angeles. So many people were without power, downed trees were everywhere, and Lori, who had just watched her husband take his last breath at their home, was one of the tens of thousands who was without electricity.
We talked and prayed and cried together. I promised to help her as best as I could and to help her with whatever I could do.
Ana experienced another bad day and had to leave early, so I had to rush home. It was so hard getting out of the storm damaged area. All of the street signals were dead. Traffic was horrendous.
Friday, was a better day for both of us with regards to work. Ana made it through the day, but continues with her grief, which again, everyone who has gone through this tells us that she is doing exactly as expected. Her grief, being a traumatic grief, is following all of the established patterns and levels. There is nothing wrong with Ana outside of Jonn’s death and the normal affect that it is playing out.
I am trying to get home as fast as I can however and I get delayed. I finally hear back from the chief coroner for LA County. The simplest way to summarize what he said is this: While he does not know why the on-duty doctor authorized the “recovery” of Jonn’s heart, he covers the doctor’s butt by saying that what we did in donating Jonn’s heart was a very very good thing. I make sure that the chief coroner understands that we did not want anything donated until after the autopsy was conducted and the chief coroner tells me that if they waited until after the autopsy was complete, the heart would be contaminated and unusable for any future transplant. I restated that nothing was to be taken until after the autopsy was conducted. The chief assured me that the on duty doctor who authorized the “pre-autopsy recovery” would call me the following week to explain his actions……
Shortly after I get home, a work problem comes up and I have to run up to the mountains to a remote site. When I arrive, I see what the problem is and am not happy. I quickly get things working again and then rush back down the mountains. I need to get home real quick because we are expecting visitors.
Val and Michelle come and visit with us and we welcome their company. I wish that we live closer to them.
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Saturday December 3rd, 2011
What I had fixed the night before had stopped working again. We spent $1.5M on this one location only to have brand new equipment fail. The equipment that is failing is the emergency generator which is supposed to start up when commercial power is lost. The commercial power was lost during the wind storm and this stupid 112 HP generator just will not work.
As I head down the road from the house, I stop by the mail box to collect our mail. I get excited when I see the letter from the Life Insurance group. I am feeling the stress lift off of my shoulders because I can now pay some of the bills associated with Jonn’s death.
As I am heading off to the remote site in the mountains on a Saturday morning, I open the letter and in a moment of haste, I read the statement at a stop sign:
“Unfortunately the claim you have submitted….unable to accept it”….The original Death Certificate states that the cause of death is Undetermined. In order to review this claim further, we need one of the following:”
· A written statement by the medical examiner/coroner on their letterhead stating the manner of death.
· An amended Certified Death Certificate indicating the manner of death
· A copy of the autopsy report.
Are you kidding me? You have to be joking. This cannot be happening...
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Page 17
Written on December 27th, 2011
It has been difficult finding time to write partly because of work and not being able to stay up late or get up early, which is when I would write. Added to the fact that as time goes on, it is more difficult to write. Without all of the hustle and everything, I have more time to focus on Jonn’s absence and the emptiness that we are left with. I find that my strength is dwindling as time goes on, especially when I do not have the responsibilities of coordinating or planning things. Without being side tracked, I find myself slipping.
There are moments when I slide into a deep state of sadness and find it difficult to follow my own advice of focusing on God. There is a perfect illustration of this point in the bible. It clearly shows how when we place our entire focus on Jesus, He will carry us through the impossible, but when we allow ourselves to be distracted and take our eyes off of Him, we fall:
Matthew 14: 25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
It is very easy to become distracted, just like Peter became distracted. The issue is, do we allow ourselves to stay distracted, or do we take the extra energy and effort to shift our focus back towards Jesus? To shift our focus back towards Jesus requires trust and faith in Him. But this is not a blind trust and faith, it is a trust and faith that is developed throughout our lives.
There is often the witty comment that we should be careful what we ask of God. So many people think that if we ask God for something, that he would just snap His finger and poof, there it is. Instead, God puts before us, situations where we can grow in faith. If we ask for patience, He will put us in a position where we will learn and develop patience. If we ask for wisdom, He will put us in a position where we will develop wisdom.
A track star does not become a world class sprinter at the snap of a finger. A downhill skier does not become the greatest skier in the world over night. In all of these situations, it requires discipline, training, and dedication. Likewise, God gives us His tools to strengthen our Christian lives. He places them before us and he places us in specific situations in order that we may be strengthened and learn to trust in Him.
Through these tests where we find ourselves struggling, the discerning Christian will eventually realize by reading God’s word, by coming to Him in prayer, and by turning to Him for guidance, that God will deliver us from all troubles. God prepares the course for us so that when the real test in life comes, we will be able to stand victorious.
We have gone through many tests and in hindsight, we are able to see how we grew as Christians and have learned to trust God more and more every time. It is not until now that we can see His deity and omniscience in all that we have experienced. Without going into specific details, we have gone through many churches since 1994. Most non-church going people would point to each situation and say either “that is why I do not believe in organized religion”, or “Christian churches are filled with hypocrites” or other such comments. And that is where the line should be drawn.
It is true that the organized church is filled with hypocrites and the likes, but remember, it is God whom we worship, not man. Satan will not attack the nonbeliever. He will attack the believer because he wants to pull them away from God. The book of Job is a clear illustration in this. While God does not specifically ordain everyone’s death, He does know when everyone will die and he provides the protection and comfort for those who trust in Him.
So was the case with us. We chose to put God’s word first and not the church leader. Each time we left a church, we struggled tremendously with our faith and we look back now and see how much we grew with each test and trial. And with each test and trial, we grew closer to God.
The outsider would look at our situations as proof that religion is terrible or wrong, but the discerning Christian can see that our response to the situation at hand was a result of Jesus living within us and guiding us all the way.
If it was not for all that we had gone through, Jonn would never have been exposed to God’s word and live the life that he lived. After all of the churches that we went through, Robyn and Jonn saw how Ana and I continued worshiping, and studying God’s word. No matter what we experienced.
There was one church where the pastor did not want to have Sunday school other than during his 20 minute sermon, and added to that, he did not want to have a vacation bible school as well. To make a long story short, after hosting vacation Bible School at our house, the pastor came to me and called me a Pharisee, saying that I was being led by Satan. We left that church for a church which placed an importance on youth education. When the other pastor found out where we were attending, he tried to have me excommunicated.
The entire ordeal pushed us deeper and deeper into God’s word, counseling with other pastors, of which they all suggested that I become a Deacon. Funny how one Pastor wanted me excommunicated while others suggested that I become ordained. Well, that is what happened, but before that occurred, we moved to our last and present church all because of the Deacon program. My first class was held at Our Savior Lutheran Church and when I heard Pastor Sonnenberg teach in the first class, I told Ana that she needed to come the next week and hear him.
When Ana heard Pastor Sonnenberg that following week, she agreed that we would bring Jonn and Robyn to the Sunday service. We were concerned however because we had been bouncing from church to church over the past 4 years, and was wondering how this would affect Robyn and Jonn.
Our first Sunday there, we asked pastor where Robyn and Jonn should go for Sunday school. Learning of their age, he said that they should attend his class, which was a 10 week class on sex. And then I thought to myself, is this guy off the wall or what?
He said that it was a 10 week abstinence class, and he would teach the biblical principles of sex within marriage only, and why God gives us the gift of sex. 11 weeks later, both Robyn and Jonn voluntarily stood before the congregation and took a vow of abstinence.
Jonn’s vow was not hidden from his friends like was his Boy Scout involvement. He had no problem explaining what his ring was for and why he took that vow. When Jonn was a junior, he had a short term girlfriend who wanted Jonn to go with her to the prom. Just a week before the prom, she broke up with Jonn, leaving him devastated. I recently learned why she “dumped” him. She wanted to have sex and Jonn said no. He explained that he took a vow of abstinence, and because of that, she dumped him. That did not deter Jonn from holding on to that vow. He held that promise to God all the way to the end of his life.
We have held small group bible studies at our house since 1995, Ana does her daily devotions every day, and we are in God’s word daily. Our 1 hour drive to church and 1 hour drive back home often had conversations about the bible, the youth Sunday school, or the sermon. When Ana would drive Robyn and Jonn to school, the radio was almost always on the Christian radio station.
When Jonn was in 4th grade, he came home from school one day and told Ana and I how when he sat down for lunch and opened his lunch pail, he told everyone around that he was going to tell them about Jesus. At the end of one of our small group Bible studies at our home, I remember Jonn asking me if he could lead a bible study for the kids. There was a point when I was wondering if Jonn would grow up to be a pastor.
When his Cub Scout pack was ready to move into the big leagues, the Boy Scouts, the entire pack voted unanimously to join Boy Scout Troop 316. The significance of that troop was their troop number, which stood for John 3:16
John 3:16
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Jonn never had a problem saying his prayers in front of people and he always defended God’s name when ever people would say Oh My God. And Jonn was so excited when he was asked to lead a bible study in the ROTC Chaplains group.
After Jonn joined the AF-ROTC, I remember him saying how much he wanted to join the Arnold Air Society. It is an elite group within the AF-ROTC which one could only become a member through invitation only. He talked and talked to me about that and he was so excited with the possibility of joining. Little did I know about the discussion which he had with a fellow cadet:
From what I knew about Jonn, he was a believer and one thing I can say to prove that is by this: After LLAB, there were extracurricular activity meetings going on and when having to choose between the religious chaplains group and the Arnold Air Society, he said “if I have to choose I would put God first because he is so good and I am blessed to be here”.
A Couple of years ago, Jonn went with our church youth group to Phoenix Arizona to help paint some houses in the bad section of town. They were only there for two days, but Jonn really enjoyed the mission trip and looked forward to many more. Jonn also served a couple of times at the Pasadena Union Station to help feed the homeless.
Last year, Jonn attended the National Youth Gathering in New Orleans. It was a huge gathering of Lutheran (LCMS) youth of which Jonn was proud to be a member of. Jonn attended every Love Fest at our church and was never ashamed to be associated with.
We look back now and see how God has directed us, cared for us, and has lifted us up through every trial. I have shared all of my trials and deliveries with Robyn and Jonn and from that, they learned about placing their trust in God. It all starts with baby steps and building upon each previous lesson. But the lessons are only learned when one realizes who it is that brings you out from each trial.
Prior to Jonn’s death, my biggest lesson came last year. I had been going through a period at work, which out of all my working years, was the worst ever. It finally came to a point where I found myself in a telephone closet in Albuquerque, NM crying out to God asking him to take my problem away. I told God that I could not handle it anymore and that I wanted to throw away my retirement and just walk away from my Job. I told God that I turned everything over to Him and that I trusted in Him to deliver me from the terrible time with work. After I prayed to God, I stopped worrying about my job, finished up what I had to do and flew back to Los Angeles.
The next morning I received a call from DC and I was informed that my boss was no longer my boss. Earlier that morning, people came out from the woodworks telling the senior managers what was going on. I had not talked with anyone in DC about this. I was a miracle as I see it. God answered my prayers and pulled me through my worst period with work. Since then, my former boss has been removed from duty and is in the process of being terminated.
I shared this with Robyn and Jonn and explained the importance of giving all troubles over to God and trusting in Him to deliver us.
So I try my hardest right now to focus on God, especially when I find myself emotionally tired.
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Sunday December 4th, 2011
Ana is having an exceptionally bad day. Some days are good and other days are bad. There is no pattern or known cause for any one day being worse than the others.
She is sitting in the kitchen and calls for me. When I come to her, she says: “help me, please help me!”
I find myself a little frustrated because there is nothing that I have been able to do to help her. I pray with her, I pray for her, I help her with scripture, I put my arms around her and cry with her. Nothing seems to work, and she is begging for me to help her.
Grief is so painful for those who are going through it. And for those who are sitting on the outside, there is no way they can even understand the pain. I remember all of the earthquakes prior to 1994 and how the news just played it over and over, for days on end. I used to laugh at how much they overplayed the drama of the earthquakes and I would always say “just get over it people”.
In January 1994 we were smack dab in the middle of the earthquake and suffered about $50,000 damage to our house. We did not have any electricity for several days and had no access to the news. Even though no windows broke, for at least 1 month, I had the mental picture every time I opened the front door of all of the windows blowing out. In November of that year, I was on assignment in Miami for 4 weeks and while working in the hotel with the room right next to the ramp for the parking lot, every time a car drove up the ramp, or when the air conditioner turned on, my heart skipped a beat or two all because of the earthquake back in January.
I learned then, just as I have learned with Jonn’s death that until you experience the trauma, you will never understand the pain and shock. It is something that nobody can ever understand, not even in the smallest degree, until you have experienced it yourself.
I know what Ana is feeling but I have the added grief that I cannot help her. All I can do is what I have been doing and continue to tell her to turn to God. I have told her the story of Peter walking on water and what happened when he took his eyes off of Jesus. I tell her to put all of her focus on God.
I then reminded her of Matthew 6, where Jesus tells us how to pray. In actuality, the prayer is a model of a prayer. The first part of the prayer gives all acknowledgement and Glory to God. I ask Ana if she has said any prayers to God where all she does is give glory and thanks to him. I then suggest that what she could do is simply write in her journal everything that she is thankful for.
With a bit of hesitance, Ana begins to write in her journal and starts thanking God for everything she can think of. Never once does she ask for anything. All she does is give thanks and praise to God for all that He has given:
Thank you God for Paul
Thank you God for Kristy
Thank you God for Michelle
Thank you God for Robyn
Thank you God for Jonn
Thank you God for giving us your word
Thank you God for always being there when we had troubles with church
Thank you God for giving us our house
Thank you God for putting us in a place where I would have to drive so long to take Robyn and Jonn to school
Thank you God for giving me that extra time with Jonn every day we went to school
Thank you God for giving us our present church
Thank you God for giving us that extra time with Jonn as we drive to and from church…….
Ana wrote for nearly 45 minutes. When she was done, she closed her journal and opened up her Bible. After reading for a while, she reached in to the back of her bible to grab a piece of paper for a book marker. Ana had recently gone through all of her papers in the bible and looked at each one. This time however she pulled out a paper which she had somehow missed before. It was a letter written to Robyn from one of her friends. It was a result of Ana telling Robyn the importance of prayer and trusting in God to help her. In short, the letter was from a girl who used to harass Robyn, and in the letter, the girl was apologizing for how she treated Robyn.
Ana did not want to use that paper as a book mark, so she put it back and then pulled out a small piece of paper. It had been 8-10 years since she had seen this paper:
After giving nothing but thanks and praise to God, He directed her to find this note from Jonn. This was the first night that Ana fell asleep without crying. The next morning was the first morning that she awoke without crying.
When we put our trust in Him, He will comfort us……..
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Written on December 29th, 2011
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Monday December 5th
As a result of an email which I sent yesterday, the doctor who performed Jonn’s autopsy was quick to act. She sent an email at 5:30am asking the chief of records to work on releasing the autopsy report for the Life Insurance Company.
Shortly after seeing her email, I called Paul, the guy who was processing our claim from Met Life. He explained to me that the cause of death and manner of death are two different things and that I needed to be ruled out as a suspect in Jonn’s death. I was very calm with him and stated that I was 3,000 miles away from Jonn when he died.
Shortly after seeing her email, I called Paul, the guy who was processing our claim from Met Life. He explained to me that the cause of death and manner of death are two different things and that I needed to be ruled out as a suspect in Jonn’s death. I was very calm with him and stated that I was 3,000 miles away from Jonn when he died.
Paul needed something to state how Jonn died, and I explained to him that I was not sure if the coroner’s office would be willing to assist in that aspect. I told him that there was no criminal investigation and that even the news paper article stated that he just collapsed and died. Paul said that if I sent him the article, that maybe, just maybe they could accept that as proof that there was no homicide.
That was the key word. Homicide! Heck, I think that I can fix this now. So I contacted the Doctor who performed Jonn’s autopsy and advised her of what Met Life was looking for. She in turn called Paul and informed him that Jonn’s case was not a homicide, and that his death, while officially stated as undetermined, was considered a natural death. And that cleared everything up. Paul called me back to tell me that all he needed from me now was a form with my original signature, not a scanned emailed copy. So I quickly printed out a hard copy, signed it, and FedEx’ed it to his office.
My week was starting off just fine. Ana went to sleep last night without crying, she woke up this morning without crying, the life insurance claim was being processed and I am feeling some stress lift off of my shoulders.
Work however is difficult. I find it hard to get motivated to work at the levels which I had worked before. Especially since I feel the need to be home as soon as I can, after Ana gets off from work. I do not want her to be alone for an extended period of time. It is bad enough that she is now driving herself to work and being around all of those kids, and then driving back home, but added to that is the fact that she comes home to an empty house. Michelle is out picking up her kids and taking them to practice and Robyn is at work. Unfortunately I do not make it home as fast as I would like. I try my best, and I do get home much earlier that I used to, but I do not feel that it is enough.
I have not mentioned it lately but it should be mentioned now. Kristy, Michelle and Robyn are all finding it harder and harder as time goes on. They are grieving in their own ways. Kristy is much more like Ana, and finds the times to be very deep and emotional. Michelle is more like me who somehow manages to hold it in until the opportune time avails itself. Robyn has her hard times and good times. There are times when she does not show much emotion, and then she awakens the next morning with a swollen face. It is obvious that she was crying all night.
I think each one of us has experienced it, with Ana and Robyn experiencing it the most. That is, falling asleep while crying or awaking while crying. It is a strange phenomenon, but others have said the same thing. The waking up and finding yourself crying is the a very off feeling.
Monday eve does not go as well as the previous night. Ana is very sad and does not put the effort that she did the night before. I remind her of what God did for her when she put Him first the night before by thanking him for everything.
Here is where I am going to insert a cycling analogy. The typical cyclist does not know how to pedal in circles. I know, this does not seem to make sense at first, especially when the pedals go in a complete circle while riding a bike. Let me explain.
The natural way people pedal is to push down on the pedals, one at a time. If you were to ride a bike with one leg, you would understand what I mean. Now when people add toe clips to their pedals, or when they change the pedals to a binding system, whereby your shoes attach to the pedal, you can now pull up on the pedals as well as push down, which increases your performance. But to be able to use different muscles to pull the pedal up, you have to consciously think about changing from pushing down, to lifting up. It is not a natural process and it requires constant thinking for a long time, until it finally becomes natural. Both techniques are considered piston pedaling, but the pulling up of the pedal is a more efficient piston movement.
So back to the one legged pedaling. With toe clips or bindings, you pedal with one leg and you will find that the bike lunges as you push down and then pull up on the pedal. This happens because you still are not pedaling in a complete circle. There are dead spots on the top and bottom of the pedal stroke. To overcome that, you need to learn how to pull back the pedal at the bottom of the stroke, and push forward at the top of the stroke. This means that you have 4 movements while pedaling: down, back, up and forward. Multiply that by two (most people have two legs and feet), and you can imagine the chaos that is happening in your mind. And that is still not a circle. This is pedaling in squares. To make a full circle, it takes the art of rounding off the corners at each change of motion: forward to down, down to back, back to up, and up to forward, for each leg.
This pedaling technique is the most efficient as it uses many more muscles than with just pushing down on the pedal. The problem is, it is so unnatural to do and very difficult to master. It takes full concentration for a long time and then, even when you are extremely fatigued, the most proficient cyclist will slip back into the old habit of piston pedaling.
Such is the case with focusing on God alone. We are natural enemies of God. We naturally think of ourselves first and in most cases, we put God somewhere down the line of importance with many other thoughts, ideas or priorities well above God if we even think of Him at all.
In the beginning, it takes a tremendous amount of effort to put God first. It does not happen overnight. It takes years of devotion, praying and studying God’s word. And most of all, it takes practical application, trusting in God on a regular basis in order for it to become second nature. But there are moments when even the strongest Christian experiences spiritual fatigue and they find it overwhelming to put God first.
If you ever watch professional cycling, the Tour De France for instance, you will see that there is an entire team of cyclists, but there is only one person on the team who is designated the leader and hopefully the winner. All of the other cyclists on that team have one mission; to support the leader and help him win. When their leader is tired, the others come from behind and give the team leader a push on the back. They ride in front of him to block the wind or they ride by the leaders side and offer words of encouragement. In the worst case, the team member will even give their bike to the leader if the leader's bike develops problems All in all, no one winner could ever win a race without the help from their team.
And the same goes with Christians. As members of the Christian team, communion of all Saints, we are called by scripture to:
1 Thessalonians 5:11Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:14 And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.
Ana is spiritually exhausted. I have mentioned this before but it is worth repeating. She has been given the greatest blow a mother could ever experience. Ana gave life to Jonn so is it no wonder why she is suffering so greatly. And as faithful and strong in her faith as she has been, she is exhausted and finds it difficult to put God first in the midst of her grief. The same goes for all of us at different times. And this is where the Christian Teamwork comes in.
We are so thankful for the small number of people who continue to lift her up Ana and our family for that matter. We are so thankful for all that they do by encouraging us in our faith. It is that Christian team work which helps pull all of us through “the Valley of the Shadow of Darkness” (Psalm 23).
Sometimes however, even with the push and support from our team mates, we find ourselves so spiritually exhausted that we cannot find any strength to lift our head up and focus on God. But sometimes God wants us to hang our head low and bow down before him in humility and in prayer. Sometimes it takes looking down at ourselves to understand that we cannot exist without Him.
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Tuesday December 6th
It seems to be easier going to work today, but I have a constant worry for Ana wondering if she will have anymore breakdowns at work. I also hate knowing that Michelle is now left alone for about 6 hours each day, and then when Ana get’s off from work, Michelle leaves the house to get the girls and head off once again to practice. I like it when we are all together, providing that support for each other and I feel uncomfortable outside of that environment. I guess that it is the “protector/provider” nature in me and I am not able to protect and provide when I am away from them.
Lani and Linda from work take me out for lunch today and while I find it comforting to talk about all that has happened and to give some clarification as to who certain people are in A Father’s Story, I was not expecting the emotions to flare up again. Crying in a posh Japanese Fusion restaurant is not something someone my size needs to be seen doing. Another lesson in humility.
I enjoy the support that I get from my office but there is something special from select individuals which others just cannot provide. I have known Lani and Linda since I started back in 1989 so our friendship goes back a long time and their care, comfort and love is very helpful.
In the evening, we all go to Grief Share (Ana, Kristy, Michelle, Robyn and myself). As I had mentioned before, the Tuesday group and their setting is much more intimate, providing a warmer, comforting environment than the one we originally attended on Wednesday nights. It is a shame we only meet once a week. There are many times during the week when Ana and I are all alone and we find ourselves feeling so empty.
It is so interesting how many people offer comments which they think are comforting or encouraging when in truth, are just the opposite. I am fairly confident that with the grief class that I am going to teach at LoveFest, near the beginning of the class I will reference a very profound passage from the Bible:
Job 2: 11 When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
That last passage is pefect. Most people who have never experienced the death of a loved one do not understand what grief is and how painful it is, but they feel compelled to say things. And in most cases, what they say is so wrong. The best advice is to follow what scripture says. Sit with those who are grieving, but do not say a thing.
I am reminded of a statement early in a comical SciFi book I once read:
“Humans are the noisiest creatures and it is all because they have this insatiable thought that if they stop talking, they will cease to exist.”
Sometimes I think that this is true simply because of the things we have been told since Jonn’s death. In most cases, people’s intentions are sincere, but it would be better if they said nothing and just put their arms around us or simply say: I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. Is there anything I can do for you?
I do not understand why people feel so compelled to say that we, specifically Ana need to get on with our lives and that we have to be strong because we have a family to care for.
Here is a thought; how would you feel if you saw your own parent quickly get over the death of your sibling? How would that make you feel about where you stand in your parent’s affection? I myself would say: Don’t you care about us enough to grieve?
If the siblings suffer for a very long period of time, then so should the parents. There is no time limit for grief because it lasts a life time. And yes, we do have to continue living for the rest of the family, which we are all doing every day, but how do you shrug off 18 years of your life in a matter of weeks or months? How do you stop missing the presence of someone you loved dearly and in Ana’s case, gave birth to?
I have mentioned this before and will mention it again. The other issue remains with the complete disappearance or avoidance of friends and family, which is actually the worst. Try to imagine how you would feel when you are in your darkest hour and in need of love and support only to find that your closest friends and family have abandoned you. But I do understand that people do not know how to act or what to say, so to play it safe, they hide. Here is what I have to say to that. Stop it. Come and give hugs and just listen. Bring something over to eat, snacks or something and sit and listen. Show compassion without feeling a need to say a thing.
Grief does bring out new friends and from this, we have enriched our lives through those who have come to our aid and support. The Grief Share meetings are one such source.
……………………..
Wednesday December 7th
I spoke with Paul from Met Life. He has received all paperwork with original signatures and assures me that he will process our claim today. We should be receiving the check within a couple of days.
I am leading the weekly Taize service during Advent, which is a very comforting and uplifting service. Most people are not aware of Taize services. I was not aware of it until my brother Robert, who years ago told Ana and I about it. There is one song in particular which I find very comforting:
dans nos obscurités click to hear the song
Within our darkest night, you kindle a fire that never dies away, never dies away
The best part is that we go to Val and Michelle’s for dinner before the service. Angels I tell you, just wonderful Angels from God.
Slowly I see a change in Ana. Others are seeing it also. There is comfort in knowing that she is healing.
…………………….
Thursday December 8th
So hard to focus at work. My mind is wandering, worrying about Ana, Kristy, Michelle and Robyn. I worry about Paul and his girls as well. I wish that we could see them more than just on Sunday’s.
I am getting excited for next week. Special visitors from Michigan will be arriving. Very very special visitors. Ana has been receiving most of the care from outsiders, and I am feeling drained. My strength is dwindling, and while the Taize services are uplifting for me, and the Youth study group on Sundays is very rewarding for me, I am tired. I do not have the spiritual support that Ana is receiving. My circle pedaling is turning into piston pedaling and I need a push from behind. I need some encouragement to stay strong for my family and for myself.
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Friday December 9th
This day turns out to be one of my worst days since Jonn has passed. I have held it together very well for the most part with occasional bouts of tears, but for today, it all started with the drive to work.
Yesterday I came across a CD which I would usually play during this time of the year. It was also a CD which I played and discussed specifically with Jonn.
Most people do not know that Jonn’s introduction to playing music was with a flute in elementary school. It was there where he learned basic notes and timing skills. Unfortunately Jonn did not stay with the flute for very long, but he did pick up the basics of music playing.
Years later, Jonn wanted to play guitar and he began teaching himself and learning through the internet. He also dabbled with the piano, never wanting to learn correct fingering technique, but playing on his own self taught skills.
I was always trying to expose Jonn to different styles and techniques with the guitar, showing him classical styles, Classical Spanish, Jazz, Flaminco, pull-off or hammer style (our favorite hammer style songs here). I was always emphasizing the importance of mastering the basics and then trying all different styles.
The biggest emphasis which I placed was the ability to play with feelings and expression. Anyone can have good technique and playing skills, but banging away at the notes and playing loud and fast means absolutely nothing. When you can play with feelings and express your emotions, along with good technique, then you have the qualities of a good musician.
But playing with emotions is not something that anyone can do, otherwise everyone who plays an instrument would be great. In order to learn and understand how emotions are felt in music, I would share with Jonn many different pieces of music and there is one such piece which I often shared with Jonn. Early on, he did not understand or feel the emotion, but when I compared this one performance with that of others, he finally understood how the expression is the key to performing a piece beautifully.
I placed the CD into the player in my truck and was driving down the road. First track, then the second track and after the third, I remembered my favorite was track #10. What a shock I had when it started. Without any warning at all, I was balling like a baby. Hard core crying! It reminded me of all the times I discussed this song and played this song with Jonn. To the average listener, you probably cannot feel the emotions in his performance, but I would guess that the discerning musician can feel it, and in comparison to the other artist who performs this same songs, they would say that this performance displays the most emotion:
Please pay no mind to the video. This was the only one that I could find with the performance
I cried all day at work, but it was my fault. I chose to play the CD all day long in my office. I subjected myself to the emotional pain and suffering, but it was needed. I needed to release what I had been holding in for the past week(s).
I listened to it on the way home also, and even played it for Kristy and Michelle that evening. By bed time, I was exhausted. I lived an entire day remembering and reliving one short moment of Jonn’s life which only he and I shared together. It was a sad reminder that I cannot share my love for music with him anymore.
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Saturday December 10th
The life insurance check arrived. Full payment, for what little it was.
We never expect to have to bury our children, but when it comes, we are left with many unplanned choices.
In the federal government, the max we can get is $12,500 per spouse/dependant. Most people do not think about getting additional life insurance for their children simply because we never expect them to die before us.
Just to let you know, even with a cremation, it is not cheap. The open casket viewing, rental casket, cremation and Urn is over $5k. Add flowers, catering and other expenses and you push the envelope of that life insurance claim. If you want a burial with a cremation, add the cost for the burial service and the plot. If you do not want a cremation and want a casket and burial, add the price of the casket and a larger plot. If you want them buried out of state, add the additional costs for transportation and out of state expenses (two funeral homes now plus more). A funeral and burial can exceed $30k without a blink of an eye.
Also consider all of the last minute planning and preparations for a funeral. I would recommend to every reader that they make basic if not detailed funeral plans not only for yourselves, but for your immediate family members as well. I cannot tell you how difficult it is to make arrangements for an unplanned death.
Include one of your closest friends whom you know can help carry out the plans with you, if not for you if you are too distraught. Years ago I gave one of my closest friends my funeral plans and asked him if he would be willing to help Ana should I die. It is interesting that he said that he was truly honored to have that responsibility and was more than willing, but that perhaps I should have Jonn do it since he is my son.
Jonn is no longer around to help with my funeral services, so I guess that God helped me with making that choice when I did. After all, we never know when we are going to die, and the last thing we want is to leave our loved ones with making such hard choices during their darkest hour.
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