A Father's Story - page 4
That afternoon, there was another ad hoc tribute for Jonn and In-N-Out. This one is a bigger event and several of our friends come from as far away as Orange County (one of my dear friends Scott), from our church in Arcadia, from our old church in Canyon Country/Castaic, many parents of Jonn’s friends and parents from Jonn’s old boy scout troop. One couple had come to our house on Sunday night (I am remembering as I write this) and they are truly a very nice, loving and strong Christian Family. They are the Holdrigde Family and they extended their love without end. We are so grateful for their words of comfort at our house and at the In-N-Out.
Written on October 26
It rained a little bit yesterday and it was cloudy all day long. One of the days that Jonn loved. It is getting dark much earlier now and Jonn loved it when it was dark, cold and overcast. Yesterday was one of Jonn’s days.
People have been telling us that the grief will actually become worse as time goes on, before it gets better. I am strong in my faith. I know without any doubt that Jonn is in Heaven. I know without any doubt that I will be reunited with Jonn when I die. I keep my eyes focused on God’s promise, but time is winning. It has been over a month since Jonn went to Heaven. It is almost a month since his funeral. I kept busy with the funeral preparations, writing a sermon, working on songs, and then after the funeral, sending out thank you cards which I am sure that I have missed some people. But now, what is there to do? I listen to Ana cry such a painful cry all day long. It is getting worse for her. Nothing seems to console her. Holding her hand, putting my arms around her, sitting with her, letting her cry on her own…Nothing helps her. I hear and see Michelle as she cries and struggles with Jonn’s earthly death. Paul is riddled with guilt for not being around here enough and he is crying every day. Kristy who feels all alone in this world is in so much pain. She is struggling to get by. Robyn is beginning to show the wear and tear of Jonn’s earthly death and is having a hard time now with everything.
I am supposed to be the provider, I am supposed to be the comforter, I am supposed to be the protector, I am supposed to be the one that everyone can look to and depend upon. I cannot stay strong much longer. My stomach is burning. I want to make sure that everyone is being taken care of, but I feel my strength dwindling. I want everyone to feel comforted knowing that I am there for them, but I fear that in due time, they might not be able to count on me. I cry, they see me cry, but not as much as I should. That crying is in private.
I want them know that I am there for them. Yesterday I heard my name being called a couple of times. They are finding me sitting in a darkroom all by myself. I am failing them I feel because I am not there when they call out for me.
We all are hugging and crying. Everyone is at the hospital including most of Ana’s family. Her brother Pepe, her sister Nancy, her mom and pop. Nancy’s husband Norbert is there along with their daughter Natasha. We are all hugging and crying.
I see our Pastor and Matthew. I go and greet them as I wipe away my tears. I see Mr. Beaty, the boss of the Los Angeles office. He shares his condolences and expresses his words of comfort. I am introduced to Colonel Corley from the AF-ROTC unit. We had met before, but I do not think he remembers me.
Miguel introduces Ana and I to the emergency room nurse. The nurse tells us that when we go in and see Jonn, we need to prepare ourselves because Jonn will not look the same as we had always seen him. He tells us that Jonn will look very different and that we might not recognize him. The nurse is very kind and compassionate.
We are crying and mustering up the strength to see Jonn. It is time now. Time to go and see our baby Jonn. I want all of us to go. All of Jonn’s siblings will go in with Ana and I. Miguel walks us to the room where Jonn’s body is lying….
The ER Doctor had left a message on my cell phone right before we departed Honolulu. She said that the coroner had been blocked, and that they were going to wait for us to arrive in Los Angeles before they would take Jonn.
I first learned how to wrap a baby in a blanket when Robyn was born. I took pride in knowing that I could make a nice tight wrap which would hold in place and keep her comforted. I actually loved doing that to both Robyn and Jonn. I loved keeping my babies warm and I loved holding them.
As I write this, I find myself crying as hard as I cried when we first learned of Jonn’s passing. Perhaps all of the planning for Jonn’s funeral and writing all of the thank you cards prevented me from truly grieving. I am feeling it this morning. This has been the most difficult day to write…
Ana, Paul, Kristy, Michelle, Robyn and myself…We slowly walk in to the small room and there he is, our beautiful Jonn. Aside from the intubation tube coming out of his mouth, he looked beautiful and so peaceful. We were all crying so hard. We touch him and hold him as best as we can. At one point early on, Ana wants to hold Jonn’s hand and that is when I notice how tightly wrapped Jonn is in the blankets. Just like when he was a baby. His body feels so cold. I want to wrap him up in more blankets to help keep him warm but I know that I cannot do that.
Robyn is crying and she touches her little brother. Everyone is crying so hard.
I cannot write. This is too painful to re-live…..
We are all with Jonn, saying prayers, crying, holding him, touching his hair, marveling at how good he looks. We are there for some time. As I look around, I notice that Robyn is gone. I go out and search for her.
She had to get out of the hospital, she had to find a place to go and scream. I found her in the parking lot all by herself, crying, screaming into her hands. I hold her in my arms and we cry.
From this moment on, I am going in and out of the small room where Jonn is. I go to bring in Jonn’s grandparents. My father in-law did not want to go in. Nancy, Pepe and Natasha go in to see Jonn. Paul and Michelle’s girls go in to see Jonn. Everyone is crying and it is crowded. I do not know how long we were with Jonn but at one point, I go and plead for my father-in-law to come and see Jonn.
Jonn always made it a point to give his grandfather a hug every time he saw him. Jonn always showed love towards him and when it came to family gatherings, Jonn always wanted to make brownies for his grandpa. There was a special love between Jonn and his grandfather. Then again, there was a special love between Jonn and everyone else, but the love between Jonn and my father-in-law was beyond special.
The men of the 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and even 60’s do not openly cry. It is a manly thing. It is a macho thing. When my father-in-law walked in to the room where Jonn was, this 83 year old man cried. It was not a sign of weakness which my father would attribute to, it was a sign of complete sorrow for the loss of his grandson. Parents are not supposed to bury their children. Grandparents are not supposed to bury their grandchildren either.
Time passes as I: visit with Jonn, talk to the Colonel, talk to the Pastor, sit with Ana, spend time with Paul, Kristy, Michelle and Robyn. I do not know how long we stayed, but eventually we all walked out of Jonn’s room and made out way over to the closed cafeteria where Pastor would talk with all of us. We prayed. Pastor talked about Heaven and where Jonn was, we talked about what to expect in the next couple of days, and then Pastor asks to speak with just Ana and I.
We talk about the initial planning for Jonn’s funeral. We have to do this because Pastor will be gone for the better part of the week at the district pastoral conference. We need to get things set in motion. We tell him that we will be at church the next day and we can discuss the funeral arrangements in more detail. We talk more about Jonn and what will happen.
The confusion of Jonn’s passing is overwhelming, and trying to get everything organized is beyond comprehension.
Ana and I go and see Jonn again. I then go over to Mr. Beaty and Miguel and ask if I can introduce them to my son. I took them into Jonn’s room and introduced Mr. Beaty and Miguel to our beautiful and brilliant son.
I always made it a point when Jonn was with me at work, to introduce him to everyone. I always wanted to show how proud I was of my son and for my co-workers to meet Jonn. Michelle was saying just last night (10/25/11) how when Jonn was working at Party City in Stevenson Ranch last year, she had walked in to his store while he was working and how when he saw her, he took her all over the store to introduce her to all of his co-workers and boss.
There was some confusion about retrieving Jonn’s belongings from LMU as well as locating our Expedition. I told the Colonel what our license plate number was and sure enough, they located the truck. Jonn left the keys inside the center console, and Robyn told Jeffrey what the code was to unlock the truck. Jeffrey then brought the truck from LMU over to the hospital. A 3 minute drive.
We transferred our luggage from Miguel’s car over to our truck. And then our next step began. Our first ride in the truck with Jonn being gone. How many times did Ana, Robyn, Jonn and I ride in the truck together? How many hours did we spend in that vehicle with Church, 52 miles one way each Sunday, and more?
I sat for a moment before I started up the engine. Kristy had asked several times if I was ok to drive home. Her care, love and comfort were absolutely beautiful. I started the truck, music began playing. It was the radio station that Jonn liked. We cried, and then I slowly began moving the vehicle, ready to drive 1 hour north to our house without Jonn. Ana, Robyn Kristy and I traveled in silence.
That is when it first came to mind. God’s glory was revealed as I thought about what it would be like living in our large home, with a huge workshop, on 2 ½ acres, in a very rural area with just Ana, Robyn and myself.
When Ana and I were planning our 9 week trip to Hawaii, Ana was very concerned about leaving Robyn and Jonn alone. Not that we were concerned about their behavior, it was more that they would be far away from friends and family and there were some fears about safety and well being. My dad had offered to come and stay with them, but Robyn and Jonn both expressed their feelings about that. I had to agree with them especially since my father has made it abundantly clear that he does not like Robyn. He makes it a point not to even talk with her.
Then one day while driving with Ana, knowing that Michelle and Luis were wanting to buy a house but needed to save up some more money first, I suggested that Michelle and her family move in to our house 2 weeks before we left for Hawaii. They could save up the rent, be guardians over the house, and stick around until after Christmas. We all would win. It was perfect.
So the beginning of September, Michelle, Luis, Micayla, Spohia, and Mia moved in. We moved Jonn down to the bonus room and Micayla and Sophia took over Jonn’s old room. The weekend that they moved in, we had a fire comet through our town. So as a result of the fire, Michelle and her family had to re-pack everything just in case we had to evacuate. I thought that the irony of unpacking and then having to repack that same day was funny.
As the flames got closer to our house, a slight moment of panic struck when I took Ana outside to see the flames. She ran back into the house and screamed “everyone get out of the house. Get out of the house now”. So everything that had been packed was loaded up in the vehicles. Jonn however was trying so hard to finish an essay and vowed to go down with the house if he could not finish it. But he did finish it and carried the entire computer down to the truck (actually I think I carried the computer and all of the other hard drives).
After we loaded up the trucks, we were standing at the patio by the dining room when Jonn noticed that on the white table was a bowl of chips and salsa. Not missing a beat, with the flames in clear view and about 1 mile or less from the house, Jonn looked at the flames, looked at the table and said: “Fire, Chips and Salsa…Why not” and began to eat his way to happiness. We still have not heard why Ana went from panic, to party host.
Michelle lives at our house now. Michelle’s entire family lives with us. We will not be alone. In fact God, all knowing, all loving, had his hand in this from the beginning. He knew that Jonn would be taken to heaven:
Job 14:5 A person’s days are determined;
you have decreed the number of his months
and have set limits he cannot exceed.
you have decreed the number of his months
and have set limits he cannot exceed.
Because God is a loving God, and because He gives us free will to live instead of choreograph our every move, God put in place the thoughts, willingness and possibility for Michelle’s family to live with us. What a wonderful opportunity for all of us to grieve together. God’s compassion and love is beyond our own understanding. I felt comfort with this knowledge and was the beginning of my ability to stand strong and be able to focus on God and his promise to care, provide, comfort and protect all of His children. But even with that knowledge, the pain of Jonn’s death is still terrible.
For some reason, as I approach the freeway junction, it only seems natural for some odd ball reason, to stop in at In-N-Out to tell them that Jonn will not be going to work anymore. So we continue north on the 5 Fwy and pull into Jonn’s old work off of Lyon’s Avenue. As we get out of the trucks and approach the front doors, Ana and Kristy notice two bicycles with 8”x11” papers in the front and rear spokes of each Bicycle. Each sheet of paper had a caricature of Jonn and RIP. They stop to talk to the bicycle riders about the “flyers”.
Robyn and I go in and talk to the manager. He is nice, and expresses his condolences. As we walk out, Robyn and I learn about the bicycles.
The rest of the drive home is quiet aside from the crying. As we pull into the driveway, Ana begins to cry very hard. I open the workshop door and drive in and Ana begins to jump out before I park the truck. She is screaming out Jonn’s name while crying. The rest of us get out of the truck and go straight inside the house.
Ana goes straight to Jonn’s room and I follow her. Ana quickly lies on Jonn’s bed, crying only the way a mother who lost her child could cry. Ana then sees me as I walk in and gets upset. She tells me not to clean his room, not to put away his clothes. I do not say a thing. I take Jonn’s towel, lay it on the floor, place all of his scatter clothes on the towel, I then take the towel, warp it as tight as I can, then sit down on the floor against the wall, holding the bundled up clothing as if I was holding Jonn as a baby. I cry, rocking like if I was trying to rock Jonn to sleep.
A Father's Story - page 5
written on October 28th, 2011
There are some minor corrections made to the last entry (page 4) near the bottom, starting with getting the Expedition from LMU, to the end. Thank you Kristy for the corrections. Thank you also for sharing your love. It means the world to me.
A warning to the reader – not every page will bring tears. This page contains the ugliness of death. It would be easy to categorize this entry as one of bitterness.
I do not know how long we stayed in Jonn’s room. Kristy, who had come home with us in the truck, was doing something, perhaps sitting or lying down for a brief moment while trying to process everything. I cannot remember. Nor can I remember what Robyn was doing.
At one point, Kristy and I try to get Ana to sleep. It must be around 1pm or 2pm and very bright outside. Robyn gets on face book, and I too get on the internet. I first want to see what people are saying about Jonn. Ana is resting for a while, and the better part of the afternoon is a vague memory. That is, until the phone call comes in…..
As I was still in my office on the 2nd floor in Honolulu, a phone call came in which I took and was very unsettling to say the least. The man identified himself as Julian from One Legacy. He informed me that they are an organization which deals with organ donations. Julian said that Jonn had signed up to be an organ donor.
Ok, when you have just been told that your son died, for no apparent reason I might add, do you think calling the father within 15 minutes of his son’s death notification and asking about organ donations is the right thing to do? Especially when the father is a couple thousand miles away? I told Julian to call me back later. Guess what, he did exactly that. He called me about 1 hour later when Ana and I were in the hotel room. The same discussion, the same deferment, Call back later.
When we were heading to the airport, the buggar called me again and I told him to wait until we saw our son’s body, after we land Saturday morning. Guess what, he did. He called me at the Hospital Saturday morning. I am still in major shock and cannot even process this. Yes, I know that sounds cruel since people need organ donations, but we do not know why our son died, the coroner is going to take Jonn and perform an autopsy. Think twice buddy before you try anything with our son…
I am reminded that Jonn signed up and was an adult. Well heck I said, when you put it that way…..$%#W&^%!
Julian understood my last unmentionable comment and agreed to call me after we got home.
It’s Julian, and I guess that I do not have any choice but to deal with this issue. Julian tells me what it is that they would like to “recover”. Recover is something you do when you lose something. Hell, I would like to recover my son’s life. Can you recover that for me Mr. Julian pie hole who is always calling me about my son’s organ donation?
No, I did not say that, but flippancy is acceptable during this time of recollection. Sometimes you regret not saying certain things after the fact.
Julian advises that the call must be recorded for integrity purposes. He then tells me that they want to recover the corneas, skin, bones from his appendages, every other rib and ?????. My mind is unable to process everything, which explains the aforementioned question marks. This plays a huge role later on.
I am not needed for consent. I am needed to provide a medical history of Jonn. A detailed “life style” history of Jonn. 75 flipping personal detailed questions about Jonn and his lifestyle. 75 unsettling questions which force me to look at Jonn’s life and know how good of a kid he was and that these terrible questions do not pertain to our son, who maintained his promise of abstinence, who did not drink alcohol, smoke or do drugs. Jonn was indeed a very good kid, and I am reminded that his death is that much more difficult to understand.
Near the end of the 75 questions I began losing my composure:
Did Jonn ever drink alcohol – Not at all
Did he ever have sex with anyone – absolutely not.
Did he ever have sexual relations with the same sex - I just told you he did not have ANY sex.
Did he ever have sex with more than one partner at the same time – Julian, you are crossing the line
Did Jonn ever have sex with a prostitute – What is wrong with you, no sex means no sex
Did he ever use drugs – absolutely not
Did he ever have sex and use drugs – are you listening to my answers, no drugs, no sex!
Did he ever have any sexually transmitted diseases. – I am losing my patience Julian. No!
Was Jonn ever in prison – Julian, time is up. No more questions please.
Mr. Flath, I only have about 10 more questions…It continues. My voice slowly drifts into a monotone drone like response. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no….
The call ends. Shock, crying, the house is crying. Complete disbelief. How could this have happened? Why did this happen? Why our family?????
Next order of business is another thing that a parent should ever have to do. Call the funeral home. Pastor Sonnenberg gave a name of a mortuary which had frequently been used at the church, so I reached out and spoke with the son of the funeral home owner. We discussed our needs and he emailed their paperwork for me to review.
Here is the issue that we are dealing with, less than 24 hours after Jonn died – what are we going to do? Will we not have Jonn’s body? The coroner’s office is saying that it might be weeks before they perform the autopsy. Do we have just a memorial service? Burial? Cremation? Gee, I guess that I forgot to plan those things when I became a father (sarcasm).
I call the hospital just because I want to know where Jonn is. He is still there. The coroner’s office has not shown up yet. Maybe Ana and I can sneak out and go see him again….just a thought
At some point in the afternoon, our neighbor Susan (LA City Fire fighter) stops on by with one of her sons. She brings a large bowl of homemade soup. I never had any and it did not sit around very long either.
Our local Bible study group stops on by. They bring some food as well but all I remember is the plate that was emptied afterward. I do not have any memory of what was on the plate. Shock and numbness prevented me from remembering.
Robyn is telling us that something is going to happen at In-N-Out where Jonn worked.
Do Pepe and his parents show up? I do not remember
An unfamiliar car pulls up and a small group of kids exit the vehicle. It’s Javier, Yasamin, Sarah and some other friends of Jonn. I do not remember.
Michelle and her family come home for a little bit. The house is filled with people. But it is not filled with a party atmosphere as it would be under normal circumstances with this many people. It’s morose to say the least.
We are all exchanging small talk, everyone saying that Jonn is in Heaven now, comforting thoughts for the first couple of days. After all, there is no doubt that Jonn is in Heaven. Why would we think otherwise?
We all agree that we should go back to In-N-Out to see what they are doing. Why? It is just over 24 hours since Jonn has died, I have not slept in over 36 hours. But I seem to remember being the one to tell Ana that we should go. We should go and see his friends.
We pull up to In-N-Out and as we walk in, we see a sizeable group of 25-30 of Jonn’s friends who have all gathered for a makeshift memorial gathering. Ana and I greet them all. We talk. We cry. We are completely numb……We are all there. The entire family.
Eventually we make our way home.
I guess that at some point that evening, I started my own FaceBook crusade.
I do not remember going to bed that night, but we did. We went to bed knowing that we would go to church the next day.
………
The next morning, Sunday September 25th, is still an absent memory for details. I remember being at church, which means that we had to have taken showers, and got dressed. I remember talking to Chad, from my work. He had talked with Jonn on a couple of occasions to help Jonn prepare for the Air Force Academy interviews. Chad graduated from West Point. I ask Chad for his help with the funeral. I ask if he could muster up all Service Academy graduates and see if they could attend Jonn’s funeral, in his honor.
I vaguely remember Ana, Robyn and I driving to church all by ourselves. No radio, no talks. Complete silence. Jonn always sat behind the drivers seat. Robyn would always sit behind the right front seat. Ana would always sit in the right front seat. There was only three of us. Jonn was missing.
The church network is good. The word got out about Jonn, so when we arrived at church, people were ready to greet us. Not a reception line, but as we walked around, people came up and expressed their condolences. This however was not one of our typical day at church. Today would see our extended family visiting. In attendance: Mr. and Mrs. Moreno, Ana’s siblings, Kristy and her family, Paul and his family, Michelle and her family. We were a sizeable group. We all try our best to hold it together while at Church. We are there to worship God, and give Him all glory. We are not there for our own attention.
Pastor always does a children’s sermon where he walks up and down the aisle while talking. As he walked this particular Sunday, our eyes meet and Pastor starts to talk about a terrible tragedy that struck the congregation. He begins to tell everyone about Jonn’s death, and goes on to tell about God’s promise of eternal life in Heaven. Each time Pastor mentions Jonn’s name, it sends a sharp pain through my mind and heart.
At the end of our worship service, the announcements are always given. Pastor was going to tell the congregation about Jonn’s funeral. Pastor looked at me and knew what I wanted to do. All too often, a name from the church is mentioned and people do not put a face to the name. How many people at church knew Jonn Flath’s name, let alone who Jonn Flath was? I wanted people to associate the name with a face. After all, Jonn and I would usher together.
I walked up to the lectern and prepared myself to make the announcement: I took a deep breath, and began to speak.
I would like to invite you all……I lose it. I cannot say a thing. I begin to cry. And then I clear my throat, take a deep breath, and for some reason I say the following:
I need to step in to my Deacon role for a moment.
(pause)
(deep breath)
(slowly I say…..)
I would like to invite you all to attend our son’s funeral next Saturday. The funeral service will start at 2:00pm. We do not know at this time if Jonn’s body will be returned to us, so we do not know if we will have a viewing or not. If we do, it will most likely be around 1:30 for the viewing. Our family would appreciate it if you could come to our son’s funeral.
After the service was over, people came up to us to express their condolences. It was so hard to endure. As we were walking out, there was one couple who we knew fairly well and a turning point in our church relation happened right then. I saw Val crying. No other church member had actually cried before this. Val was crying because he was deeply affected by Jonn and our family. This starts a whole new chapter in my church life.
We spend a little time with Pastor after church to discuss the funeral arrangements. I do not want to officiate over Jonn’s funeral, but I would like to do the Sermon.
We spend a little time with Pastor after church to discuss the funeral arrangements. I do not want to officiate over Jonn’s funeral, but I would like to do the Sermon.
I do not remember what we did after church. Did we go anywhere? Did we do anything? Who came over to the house? But I do remember my phone ringing in the church parking lot. It was Julian from One Legacy.
He called because he had a few more questions to ask. I hate tests, even when I study for them, and I hate answering Julian’s questions more than any test I have ever taken. I do not remember what the questions were, but I do remember him telling me what they “recovered” from Jonn: Skin tissue, cornea’s, every other rib, bones from his arms and legs, and the valve (???).
So I am not firing on all cylinders but I am alert enough to say to myself after the phone call is over – they took what? A valve? If they took a valve from his heart, surely the autopsy has been completed. So I call the coroner’s office on a Sunday afternoon (we go to the 10:45 service and it is now past 12 noon).
I work my way through the telephone maze and get a person to answer the phone. I give my name, Jonn’s name and say that I understand that our son is now at the coroner’s office and that his autopsy had been completed….
Everyone knows that I am not a racist. I love and respect all races in this world, so my next comment is not intended to be offensive at all.
In what I would call a street dialect for south central LA, the girl on the phone said with a rude, loud and obnoxious Ebonics dialect: Who told you that your son’s autopsy was complete.
Wow, I must have said something that made you very upset. Please forgive me ma’am, my son just died Friday afternoon and all I want is to find out a little information about him.
I’m not upset, I just talk loud because I am a very energetic person. What is your son’s name again. (still sounding rude)
We get put on hold while she looks up his record…she comes back and sounds much more calm now. She informs us that his autopsy has not been started and that it will most likely start on Monday. She then explains that she is naturally a loud person and wants to let people know that she is very responsive and professional. She apologizes for offending me. Before we hang-up, she gives me the case number: 6240
I am confused. The ER doctor had said that she thought Jonn had a heart attack. Why would they do any "recovery" before the autopsy was performed. My mind is not fully functional. I will talk to the coroner tomorrow to clarify this.
A Father's Story - page 6
written on November 1st, 2011
Right before I started writing this page, I was searching for a song that I used to hear whenever we would go over to my grandmothers after church on Sunday. The radio station had a show which would always open with Beethoven's Pathetique. It reminds me of being with my grandmother and I have always loved this song. It is aboslutely beautiful and calming.
I played the song for Robyn and then decided to show her one other song that I have always liked. It is the Heliotroupe Bouquet by Scott Joplin. When she heard it, she said that it reminded her of a song that I used to play on our piano, which was the Maple Leaf Rag. I searched for it on YouTube and played it for her. Just after it started playing, Robyn began crying. She reminded me how she and Jonn would dance together every time I played that song. It is amazing how something so disconnected and remote can trigger memories and tears. I cried with her. What was it that made me search for that first song which then led me to playing the last song?
November 4th addendum
– it has been hard for me to sit down and write this. Ana is getting worse and it is more difficult to write partially due to clouded memories and outright concern over Ana’s well being. She needs strong Christian women to come and be with her. We have a group of married couples who come on Friday evenings which is an outstanding group of people from our church in Arcadia. I wish that they could always be here. More about that later on…..Add to the fact that I cannot seem to sit down and pay the bills for Oct/Nov. Why am I procrastinating???? An old bad habit has resurfaced in a very bad way….did I mention constant eating on my part?????
We had Yasamin, Javier, Clayton and Kurt over tonight. One of the things we all discussed was the fact that friends (ours and theirs) have completely fallen away since Jonn's death. Here is a note to the reader, the bereaved do not want to be left alone, they want company to visit, listen and lend a shoulder to cry on. This is not only for the immediate family, but for all of the close friends as well. Everyone is grieving Jonn's death and everyone grieving needs continued support from friends. This is a very long process of healing, which takes years to recover from.
We had Yasamin, Javier, Clayton and Kurt over tonight. One of the things we all discussed was the fact that friends (ours and theirs) have completely fallen away since Jonn's death. Here is a note to the reader, the bereaved do not want to be left alone, they want company to visit, listen and lend a shoulder to cry on. This is not only for the immediate family, but for all of the close friends as well. Everyone is grieving Jonn's death and everyone grieving needs continued support from friends. This is a very long process of healing, which takes years to recover from.
Sunday September 25th: Javier, Yasamin, Sarah, Dalton come over in the evening. Javier brings some food which his mother made. It is very good. My memory of this time is fading as I cannot remember who else is at the house that night. They are hanging out in Jonn’s room, looking at pictures…
Kristy and Michelle are here (of course Michelle is here, that was God’s plan, she lives here now and it is so beautiful). There is a lot going on. The beginnings of planning Jonn’s funeral, the beginnings of planning a video montage, family phone calls…and we are all crying throughout the evening.
We are informed of an event that will take place in the morning at Jonn’s old Highschool. I only know about of a group photo with Jonn’s friends wearing button-up shirts and Rayban’s or the like. I suggest to Javier, Sarah, Dalton and Yasamin to each take one of Jonn’s button-up shirts for the photo op with a promise that they will return Jonn’s shirts to us.
There is a lot going on, and the night grows late. We are tired from everything. The emotions, running all over the place, the visits, planning, etc…. and the anticipation of Monday mornings events. I stay up until about 2p working on the funeral planning, sermon, etc.
……………………………………………………….
Monday morning:
We all leave the house and head towards the high school. Ana, Robyn, Michelle, Micayla, Sophia, Mia and myself. This is going to be tough. I am not sure how this is going to go, and how it will feel.
We are told to enter through the side door near the TV studio. We approach and find Mrs. Smith from the counselors office greeting us. She introduces herself and extends her condolences. This is so difficult. Why are we doing this just 2 days after Jonn went to Heaven?
We walk into the building and are greeted by Mr. Necessary, the assistant principle and Ms. Overdevest, the WRTV teacher. We are then walked into the TV studio and as we walk in, the room, which was quite noisy at first, becomes completely silent. It is such an eerie feeling. As we walk in, we see Chet, one of Jonn’s closest friend. Chet is crying very hard and I wonder how he will be able to go on TV live.
We are shown around the studio, and are then taken to an area where Jonn’s handprint and last words at the studio are written, high up on the wall. This is hard, but I am not even prepared for what is coming next. After we spend some more time in the studio, we are then taken over to the class room where Mrs. Overdevest teaches the class.
The classroom is noisy at first and as we walk in, the talking stops. Everyone is looking at us and all that can be heard is the crying from all of the students. We are introduced as Jonn’s family.
Before going any farther, I would direct the reader to look at the Letters from Jonn’s Friends, the top letter, dated 10/24/11. Read that first letter and then come back to this page……
Right after the introduction was over, the WRTV broadcast started. Right away, the R.I.P Jonn Flath video began playing and the room was instantly filled with the loud sound of everyone crying, including our entire family.
I had no foreknowledge of this and am caught off guard. Why? Why am I watching this? It is more painful than learning of Jonn’s passing, mainly because the initial shock is gone and I am seeing his death played out right in front of me. The reality of Jonn having passed away is thrown in my face. The reality of his death, being played out in a MEMORIAL video. There is no way I could have prepared myself for this moment. I feel my life being drained out of me, in front of all of these students, and the entire school.
After the R.I.P video is concluded, the WRTV broadcast goes into its normal routine. I marvel at how well Chet did, never once shedding a tear, not until after the broadcast is over.
The lights in the room turn back on and everyone is crying. I make an attempt to thank everyone for everything, for being Jonn’s friends, for being a part of his life. We stay for a short time as students approach us and thank us, or share their sympathy, or share their own personal grief over Jonn’s loss.
We thank Ms. Overdevest and Mrs. Smith for all that they have done. We meet Kailey, who compiled the memorial video. It was beautiful and she promises t o give us a copy as well as copies of all of Jonn’s “on air time”.
As we walk out of the room, Mr. Necessary begins to tell us that O’Conner photography is providing pictures of Jonn’s senior portrait and graduation photo at no cost, and how many others are coming to support us and offer their donated time and services. Everything is still a whirlwind. It is so hard to comprehend all that is going on.
We head over to a completely different area on campus to where the photo shoot will be. As we walk, the entire campus is busy as this is the time between classes. Students are everywhere. Many are crying. It is difficult for me to capture everything. My eyes are scanning everywhere, and it is all confusing.
We approach the photo shoot area and there is a large gathering of students with sunglasses and button-up shirts. They have a banner which is stretched out and the picture is taken. As fast as the shot is made, the group breaks up. Mrs. Smith informs us that they have designated a room for many of the students to come and express their grief, and share memories of Jonn. Our entire family follows and we are soon packed into a room full of people. The students share their stories of Jonn and we talk about Jonn as we know him and about his faith. There are so many faces and I am very bad, actually I am the worst at facial recognition and I will never remember who was in the room. Hold on to this fact as this will be revealed later on in a negative situation.
Mrs. Smith tells us as we leave that the students will be presenting us with personalized letters. She will collect them all and present them to us in a binder. I had never met this woman before, but having met her that day, I instantly took a liking to her and knew that she was a very kind hearted person. Mrs. Smith is very special and West Ranch should be proud to have her on staff.
We are shocked with the turn out as we leave the campus. I honestly cannot remember what we did after that, but it must have included a return trip to our house at some point in the day.
During the day however, we spoke with the coroner’s office and asked about the autopsy. And here is where it gets a little dark again:
The investigator assigned to our case advised that Jonn’s case had been deferred. With a quick why on my part, he stated that the autopsy could not be completed because Jonn’s heart had been taken by One Legacy. (Read the sentence again and it still says the same thing).
If the ER doctor said that Jonn died of a heart attack, how is it that Jonn’s heart has been taken before the autopsy was complete?
Well Mr. Flath, that is what we want to know. Are you aware that One Legacy is a “for profit” agency?
(Ana and I are shock and amazed) No. I do not know anything about them. They called me and said that Jonn was an organ donor.
This does not look good Mr. Flath and I have some serious issues with what happened. Besides, a toxicology study on your son’s blood needs to be performed. We are doing that……
After a little bit longer discussion, I was given the number of the chief coroner. We played phone tag for a while and did not speak until the next day. In the mean time, I called Julian from One Legacy. He was not around so I did what any normal person would do, ask to speak with his supervisor. I advised the lady on the phone what the issue was and she relayed it to Julian’s boss.
Without writing down the entire dialogue, I was not a pleasant person on the phone and I made it very clear that I was not at all happy that they took Jonn’s heart, especially since they never said anything about taking the heart. Well Mr. Julian’s boss was very kind to inform me that during the “recorded” 75 question phone call, near the end I was not very nice and that I was not very cooperative and that in that phone call, Julian did inform me that they were going to take the valves.
I used nice words with him, but they hit him like a ton of bricks.
I am not a doctor. When he said valves, he never said what valves and never said that the heart had to be removed…
Mr. Julian’s boss apologized and said that he understood why I was so frustrated during the tail end of the 75 questions and understood how I could have misunderstood what Julian meant when he mentioned the valves.
None-the-less, Mr. Julian’s boss assured me that One Legacy would be conducting a complete pathology report of Jonn’s heart and that only the valves would be used for a future valve transplant recipient……Am I allowed to be upset or bothered at this?
Before heading home, we stop off at College of the Canyons to un-enroll Jonn from college. They will not do it. They will not un-enroll Jonn without a death certificate. Hmm, deferred autopsy report for up to 90 days…..
Back at home, I am working on the funeral arrangements, coordination of family arrivals (my mom, sister, brother…..), the phone is ringing left and right. I am also being with Ana, Robyn, Kristy, and Michelle. I am doing what is expected of the husband/father and spiritual leader by keeping things together and comforting as best as I can.
Javier, Yasamin, Sarah, Corrine and others come over to the house to start helping with the video montage and anything else. We talk about Jonn a lot and there is a lot of crying. It is a late night, and I stay up long after everyone else goes to bed. I need to start working on the sermon, the order of worship, FaceBook, and watching the WRTV memorial video over and over….
There were nights throughout the first week when parents came to our house. I do not remember what nights they were, but I honestly say that I have never seen grown adults cry as they did at our house. It was very moving to see how many families Jonn had touched. They came from all over the place just to express their condolences in person.
……………….
Tuesday morning
We spent the majority of the day at home.
There is a point when I finally get to talk with the chief coroner from LA County. The head honcho. The Big cheese. I remember being in the truck, but I have no idea where we are.
Let’s just say that there are concerns at the top and that he has assured me that everything will be check, tested, and investigated thoroughly. He mentions that the name of where I work is posted across the file. This verifies what I suspected on Friday eve/Saturday morning. Someone from my office contacted the coroner’s office to delay picking up our son or a person from my church who is high up the food chain called and in addition to mentioning their own name, mentioned who I work for.. The call ends with the chief coroner’s promising to get this processed ASAP. (as of this writing 11/4/11, the case is still open)
That afternoon, there was another ad hoc tribute for Jonn and In-N-Out. This one is a bigger event and several of our friends come from as far away as Orange County (one of my dear friends Scott), from our church in Arcadia, from our old church in Canyon Country/Castaic, many parents of Jonn’s friends and parents from Jonn’s old boy scout troop. One couple had come to our house on Sunday night (I am remembering as I write this) and they are truly a very nice, loving and strong Christian Family. They are the Holdrigde Family and they extended their love without end. We are so grateful for their words of comfort at our house and at the In-N-Out.
The turn out at In-N-Out yielded an unexpected visit from one of Jonn’s fellow cadets. I was planning to meet the Colonel and the cadets at their regular Friday assembly, but with this cadet in person, I could not wait.
He introduced himself as being one of the senior cadets who was with Jonn during his last moments. I asked if he would be able to tell us what happened and he agreed. We went outside the restaurant for a more private setting with Ana, Kristy, Michelle, Robyn and a few of Jonn’s closest friends.
The senior cadet told us how Jonn was in good form that day and how he had been used as a demonstration on proper dress, standing, etc. He said that it was a very pleasant day and that Jonn during his run, seemed to be doing just fine. Jonn was approaching the 1.25 mile mark (distance determined at a later date) when he said: “Oh no, I can’t believe it’s happening again”. A cadet running with Jonn asked what was wrong and Jonn stated that he was feeling dizzy again and that he needed to stop and rest. While trying to catch his breath (he was a fast runner), Jonn said that he did not understand why this was happening again because he runs all the time. The cadet at In-N-Out assured us that Jonn was not complaining about any pain or expressing any fears, only that Jonn was upset that he could not finish the run a second time.
Trying to slow his breathing down from the fast run, the cadet at In-N-Out stated that Jonn said he had to sit down and rest. A second senior cadet was on hand and was attending to Jonn while the In-N-Out cadet was making sure that junior cadets did not stop their run and stare at Jonn. As the cadet had his back turned to Jonn, Jonn said something which caused the senior cadet to turn around and that is when he saw Jonn’s eyes roll back and his body begin to collapse. The cadet told us that he immediately stooped down to Jonn to help ease him to the ground. At that point they checked his vitals and found that Jonn was not breathing, but did have a pulse.
The attending cadet told the In-N-Out cadet to take his cell phone and call 911. The call was placed while the attending cadet was performing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation…..The story concluded with the paramedics showing up 16 minutes after the 911 call was placed.
By this time, many of the friends inside In-N-Out had already realized that something was going on outside, so out they came. When the cadet was finished with his recount of Jonn’s final moments, nearly every one of Jonn’s friends was outside.
I introduced the cadet to all of Jonn’s friends and said that he was with Jonn during his last few minutes. I asked Jonn’s friends to extend a warm greeting and to make him feel like family.
I walked back in to the restaurant and after being in there and talking to a host of people, a family face appeared before me. It was my brother who had just moved to Seattle, WA and had flown down to be with me and my family. Because there were so many people there, I was overwhelmed with greeting people and as fast as my brother appeared, he was gone. I knew he would be back around again….
It was a long time spent an In-N-Out and we spoke with many friends, but I feel bad because I feel that I also could not give the full time and attention to our friends who came simply because there were so many people. I must recognize that Scott stayed for a very long time, and if I did not say it before, Scott’s friendship means the world to me.
We all went back home feeling exhausted. I resumed working from the computer for the funeral planning, new lyrics for a song, writing the sermon, and trying my best to do what is expected of the husband/father and spiritual leader by keeping things together and comforting as best as I can.
All in all, we cried for the better part of the day. Each minute is painful and I keep on hearing how I was told that I cannot cry in front of anyone. I do not listen to what I was told. I cry. I lost my son. I know that he is in Heaven, and I am doing what is expected of the husband/father and spiritual leader by keeping things together and comforting as best as I can, but I have a huge hole in my life.
I am allowed to cry for my son damn it. And damn anyone who says that I cannot cry. I am a father, not a cold hearted posterior orifice.
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