A Father's Story - the final page

September 23^rd, 2012 –

It is unbelievable that we have gone 1 full year since Jonn’s death. Today is that day, the 1 year memorial anniversary.  There has been a lot of unwanted anxiety and anticipation over this day.  I know it will be hard, but I want to take today and treat it like Christmas and Easter, whereby all Glory is given to God.  I want to make sure that we focus our eyes upon God as we recognize how He has pulled us through this past year. It is only because of God’s love and the people whom He has sent that we are where we are now.

This one year date does not mean that all of the pain will suddenly end. This one year date is simply just that, 1 year. There is nothing magical, the grieving does not automatically end, but it does give us a time to first remember that Jonn was painlessly taken up to be with Christ Jesus.  It also gives us a point in  time to allow us to reference where we were emotionally and spiritually 1 year ago, and where we are now.

Just because I am finishing up this story does not mean that our lives have returned to normal. It hasn’t, and many people tell us that it will never go back to the way it used to be. So when you see our family, please do not think that we are all healed. We are in  the process of healing which has only been a 12 month process.

Today was a nice day in the sense that we attended church with some of Jonn’s friends and family. We then we went and had Pizza at a New York brick oven style restaurant. From there we had a small memorial service at the cross with some friends and family. After that, just Jonn’s siblings and Ana and I gathered at our house for a private evening time.

The day is over and we are emotionally exhausted. Nothing compared to what we experienced 1 year ago. How that horror of flying home from Hawaii still haunts me. But we are still in a deep agonizing pain.

Patience! That is what we need to pray for. The ability to wait out the time it takes to overcome grief’s hold over us.

What does the future hold:

When we were young, we tried to imagine what our future would be like. One of the things that we planned was to have a great job, a nice home, a marriage and then of course children. I myself always said that if I were to have any kids, it would be two, a boy and a girl. I had everything planned out, but I was given something greater than anything I planned for.  When I got married, I not only ended up with a beautiful wife, I also became a step father of three great kids.  Sure, I came at first as the evil step father and in the case of one, that was a reality for 20 years. But these past couple of years I have been blessed by all of them without any bitterness from any of them.  In fact, the relationship between Paul, Kristy and Michelle in my opinion is as if they are my own children. I love them all as I love Robyn and Jonn.

Back to where I was going…

Shortly after getting married, I decided that I did not need to have my own kids, primarily because I did not want Ana to have to start motherhood all over again, especially since she had already been a mother at this point (Paul was already 15 years old). I had dreams of Ana and I traveling around the world once Michelle got married. Michelle was the youngest at that time (11 years old). My mind was changed around Christmas time, 1990, when my sister-in-law gave birth to her daughter Natasha. Coaxed by all, I held Natasha in my arms and realized right then that Ana and I would have a baby. So 9 months later, Robyn came into our world, and Michelle was no longer the youngest.

Robyn was born on September 29^th, 1991, and with Kristy and Michelle living with Ana and I, Robyn was showered with love every single day. Her birth started an entirely new cycle in our life, which included moving from where we lived in Sepulveda, Ca, to an area farther away from where Ana and the girls had grown up (Alhambra, Ca.).

In April 1992, Ana and I found out that another baby was on the way. Immediately after taking the pregnancy test I began crying, not out of joy, but out of fear that we would not be able to afford to have another baby. We were so financially strapped that I just could not see how we could do it. But we did not stop the process and simply placed our trust in God.  On January 5^th, 1993, Jonn came into this world, but not without a fight. He was a planned C-section, but it was a C-section which was not without problems.

I told my dad all of the details of Jonn’s birth, and having delivered many babies himself, including C-section deliveries, he told me that all fathers react the same way that I did.  He said it was very normal to feel that way. But I knew what I saw and I held my tongue, knowing that one day, he would be able to see the video.

The next time my dad came to visit, I played the video which clearly showed three doctors pulling on Jonn, struggling to pull him out from Ana. The video shows exactly what I described to my father, which was that they were pulling on Jonn’s head to the point where I honestly thought that Jonn was going to die. You can see the worries in the doctors eyes. They pulled for a very long time, trying everything they could to bring Jonn into this world. One doctor, as he was tugging and puling, said that Jonn had wide shoulders and that he was probably going to be a line backer when he grows up.  Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Jonn was freed from Ana’s womb. As he was carried away from Ana, I kept the video camera trained upon Jonn.

It did not dawn on me while I was recording but it became very apparent when we watched the video at home. Jonn was not breathing. He was a deep dark blue and had no movement at all. The nurses resuscitated for over a minute. Not breathing, no movement at all, Jonn finally took his first breath on his own. Slowly but surely, the dark blue coloring changed to a natural baby pink.

When my dad saw the video, he said…”you should have sued that hospital”. I seem to recall my saying: I told you so.

Jonn’s difficult delivery not the only problem; right after Jonn was delivered, Ana began to experience heart problems. It was serious enough that she never spent any time in the maternity ward, but instead spent an entire week in the coronary care unit. I look back at it now, and while people who are reading this will say that many babies go through this, especially preemies, these other babies were not Jonn.

What I am talking about is that while Ana was in the coronary care unit, Jonn was not allowed to be taken down there because of the risk to other patients as well as to Jonn. Added to that was the fact that I was Mr. Mom at home, taking care of Kristy, Michelle and of course Robyn.  I had to get Kristy and Michelle to school every day, and then bring them home, and then take them to see their mom, but I had Robyn to take care of which just added to the limited time I had to visit with Ana and Jonn. All of this had me running all over the place, not to mention the fact that 2 days after Jonn was born was Michelle’s birthday. I could not let her birthday go unnoticed.

I would take the girls to the hospital to see Ana and Jonn, but in the reality of it all, Jonn had very little time with any of us. And…, Ana could not see Jonn whenever she wanted, as is the normal case of the mother resting in the maternity ward. I remember one night at the hospital, there was the brief moment that I was able to be with Jonn and hold him. I was sitting in the rocker holding him in my arms when I suddenly went into the Alice Sayles mode (my grandmother who always fell asleep at the dinner table). I fell asleep while holding Jonn, and was awakened by the sudden realization that Jonn was slipping from my arms.

No, I did not drop him, but it scared me to death and I vowed never to do that again. I promised my little Jonn at that moment that I would always protect him and never let anything hurt him.  Little did I know that I had no control over that promise! Jonn would get hurt in the years to come. He was a boy, he liked to play hard.

I look back at Jonn’s birth and how his delivery was and how hard it was for him to be pulled out from Ana, and the problem that she had with her heart…. That was the first time Ana’s heart experienced the pain of being separated from Jonn. No other child caused that pain, and we see now how much more painful it is for her today, with Jonn’s physical absence from her now.

If you saw her now, you would say that she is perfectly fine, but only because she hides it so well out in public. The truth is, her heart has been seriously wounded, and the only type of medicine or care that will help is the care of her friends and family being right by her side. There is no medicine that works other than prayers, holding her hand and sitting with her. This separation from Jonn is far beyond what anyone could imagine. This is why there is no comfort found when people say to her that Jonn is in a better place.

Ana is not crying about how Jonn is and what he is doing in Heaven, she cries because she cannot see him, hear him or feel him. She misses him and wants to see his smile and hear his voice. That is why we all cry. Because of how we are all separated from Jonn, continuing to live our life here on earth without our son or brother in the case of Paul, Kristy, Michelle and Robyn, or uncle in the case of Marina, Sabrina, Maddison, Micayla, Sophia, Mia and Mackenzie, or grandson in the case of our parents.

And for my beautiful girls who know the pain of losing their own sister Kathleen; Colleen, Allison and Laura all share in our grief over Jonn’s death, not only because of the reminder of losing their sister, but because of the love they had for Jonn as well.

To continue with my story, some of the risks and dangers that Jonn was exposed to was a result of my overly enthusiastic desires yet poor judgment. Like the time I took Robyn and Jonn on the ski lift to the top of the Mt Baldy ski lodge. It was not until we started moving up the mountain when I realized that the hurricane force, ice cold wind at negative 100 degrees (that is how it felt) that was suddenly whipping down the mountain was not something that I was well prepared for. Then add to the fact that I had two squirming little kids, Jonn was a little over 1 and Robyn was 2 ½. And while I was holding on tight to them, keeping them from slipping off of the chair lift, I myself had nothing to hang on to keep me from slipping off the chair lift. The fact that I am writing this, and that Jonn lived to be almost 19 years old tells you that we survived the scariest moment in my life.

Jonn’s first injury was at the age of 3 when he broke his collar bone after falling off of a horse. Amazingly, while in a figure eight bandage, Jonn wanted to climb a tree the next day. That did not stop me from feeling so guilty for putting Jonn in that situation the day before.

Let’s not forget about the story that I told earlier about our hike up to the San Antonio Ski Hut and all of the ice we had to deal with on our descent. Now that was scary also….but God protected us from all harm.

I look back today and while I had a lot of jealousy for all of the time that Ana got to spend with Jonn while I was at work or gone for extended periods of time on travel, I recognize that I did get to have my private moments with Jonn.

·         Our trip to Montreal and Quebec for an international tournament when he and I were Black Belts.

·         The cub scout hikes that he and I took, while I was the WEBELOS den leader

·         Our boy scout hikes that he and I took together

·         The boy scout camps, boy scout meetings, and all other boy scout events.

·         The bike rides that Jonn, Robyn and I took around Santa Clarita valley.

·         The times that Jonn and I spent together talking about music and playing instruments.

·         The many times we went swimming together and the times that Jonn and I would swim a mile together.

·         The hikes that just Jonn and I did together.

·         Our drives together where it was just Jonn and I and the talks we would have about politics, religion, finance, and most importantly, relationships.

·         The countless volleyball tournaments and our drives to and from the games.

·         Going with him to an all day long speech and debate competition

·         Going with him to an all day long Junior Statesmen of America event

There were the things that I did with Jonn’s Cub Scout pack and Boy Scout troop. Several of these were directly related to my line of work, which outside of my work colleagues, no other father could do. There were many other times that I got to spend with Jonn, and I hold on to those memories with great joy.

I spent a lot of time helping Jonn get prepared for his interviews for the Air Force Academy. There were many times when just he and I talked about the bible studies that I was teaching. There were the times that I talked to Jonn about respect as it dealt with: women, girlfriends and his future wife, to the work place environment and in his daily walks in life. Teaching him to always say sir and ma’am, standing up when his friends parents would walk into the room when visiting at their home, and always taking your hat off when you enter a house or building (hats inside).

Jonn and I talked a lot about why I am always the last one to eat last, and how I almost always never let people serve me food, which all boils down to making sure that everyone else is taken care of first, and to serve others instead of being served.  Jonn and I talked a lot about integrity, and while I know that most kids act differently around their family in comparison to how they act when away from home, I know from what everyone has said, Jonn carried these traits with him wherever he went.

One of the most important discussions that Jonn and I had which I had addressed earlier in this story, was about the responsibility of earning your way through life instead of expecting to be given hand outs.  I taught him that if you are given a hand out, at some point in the future, when you can, do everything you can to pay back what you were given. If you cannot afford to give back financially, then give back in the way of overt gratitude, time and service. I always told him to never let handouts go unrepaid.

I was very proud of Jonn and who he was becoming. And in retrospect, having learned even more about our son since his death, we see how loving, helpful and compassionate he was when it came to his friends and his zest for life and God.

Hopes and Dreams:

What parent does not have grand hopes and dreams for their children? What parent does not have a love so great that they would do anything to help their own children succeed? I used to tell people that Jonn was going to become the president one day. I also thought that Jonn was going to become a Pastor as well. Jonn showed signs of being a great person and having a great future. And those thoughts, hopes and dreams are what filled my life for Jonn. And these same dreams and hopes for Jonn filled Ana’s heart as well.

When Jonn’s life was taken away, we were given a huge kick in the stomach, realizing that all of what we wanted for Jonn will no longer be. We found ourselves facing a huge loss in our own life.  Yes, we get caught up at times and look at what Jonn will not get to experience here on earth. We are reminded of this every time we see someone his age, or see one of his friends reaching benchmarks or milestones, but we are careful not to linger on these thoughts. Instead, we force ourselves to look at what Jonn is doing, up in Heaven and will not have to endure here on earth. This is what keeps me going every day.

Do not get me wrong. I am not perfect and my faith is filled with many faults. I get extreme doses of sadness or depression. Things jump out from nowhere and cause me to be filled with anger over other people’s attitudes or actions over Jonn’s death and their treatment towards us (asking us for parenting advice right after Jonn died).  I am far from being the perfect father and husband, but I try my best to be there for everyone. I try my best to be strong and hold on to God’s word. But still….there are times when I myself do not have the strength to continue, and this is where I need help from others.

I have learned a lot about grief from my own journey. I thought that I had all of the training I needed, from the Stephen’s Ministry, Deacon training, training as an Elder years ago, but what I know now, is that none of the previous training could ever prepare me for what we were hit with. Nothing in life can prepare a parent for the greatest pain of losing a child.

I have since learned that as a society, and even in the corporate Christian community, we have failed when it comes to providing care and support for the bereaved.  With as long as death has been around, it is amazing that we still do not deal with it correctly. Statistics show that the Christian church only provides about 10 days of support from the onset of death.

Typically after the funeral, the church goes back to business and the bereaved are left to be on their own. To throw a curveball and contradict what I am saying here, when attending church, the congregations do a very good job at approaching the bereaved and offering comforting words. What I am talking about is what happens with the bereaved when they are not at church?  The bereaved are the ones who bring themselves in to the church environment on Sunday mornings or Sunday evenings. But outside of the regular worship service, when the bereaved are all alone at home, how often does the church come into the homes of the bereaved?

If you did not click on the link before, I would encourage readers to visit the link now. It takes you to a video which I made after interviewing several people who have experienced a profound loss of a loved one.  This video shows what grief is like, and in just about every case, each person interviewed explained what it was like when they were at home all by themselves. Try to sum up how much time people spend at home when they are first hit with a loved one’s death, and then sum up how much time they spend at the church. You would be amazed to see the huge disparity. To see the video, click here.

Grief, it is very real and overwhelmingly painful. In the beginning, it is impossible to accept that life will get easier. The pain is just too much to bear because the loss is just too great. And all of that time in the first 2-3 months is a time when care, love and support is needed. But all too often, the corporate church and society miss the mark.  What I mean by the corporate church is the actual church organization itself.  Most church’s do not have a program whereby those in the program go into the homes of the bereaved.  The church’s may have a class or group for the bereaved to come to  the church and sit in with, but rarely does a church send care givers into a person’s home after the funeral.

The church may have a small number of people who take it upon themselves to visit the bereaved and offer their care and comfort, but rarely is someone from the leadership or spiritual team seen going into the homes on a weekly and regular basis.  This is not to say that the corporate church does not care or not want to help.  And this is not to say that the corporate church does not pick up the phone to reach out and see how the family is doing. But this is where there is a huge problem, the phone calls.

Grief care is all about relationships.  Grief care cannot be handled over the phone in the early stages after the funeral. Grief care requires in-person, one on one support.  And the best form of grief care, aside from bringing food over (the bereaved find it very difficult to cook for the first month or so, especially when realizing they are cooking for one less person), is to sit down with the bereaved and let them cry and talk.

You have read some of the things that were said early on which were very painful to hear. The comments were meant to be helpful, well meaning and all, but there is nothing that can be said during the first couple of months to make the bereaved feel better.  All that you can do is hug them, sit with them, cry with them, and be absolutely quiet. After a while, you will know when you can start saying things.  After a while you will be able to read the situation, understanding their pain, and will be able to know what to say.

In my opinion, the least effective grief care is phone calls from people whom the bereaved really do not know. I myself received calls from a couple of men at church but I did not have any established relationship with these men.  Yes, we had talked a couple of times at church, but I did not know them well enough to let them into my innermost personal life, especially over the phone and so early in my grief.  But regardless of how well established the relationship is, with the exception of people who live hours away, phone calls during the first month or two of grief should be avoided at all costs.  If you live within an hour or two and cannot drive to your friend’s house and sit with them, do not bother calling. Without seeing their face, holding their hand and offering them hugs, you have no idea what your friend is going through and you have no idea how difficult it is to be on the phone.

In addition to the awkwardness of talking to a person whom I did not have an established relationship with, I also found it difficult to walk away from my family to talk in private, while they were in deep pain. I had to be there for them, I had to be their pillar of strength and I could not abandon them. Plus, men are different than women and we just do not let anyone in, especially over the phone under terrible circumstances.

We are healing as a family and individually, but this is a very slow process and we will never be  the same people who we were before Jonn’s death. Part of it comes with Jonn’s absence, and the other part comes from the journey we are on.

We may look and act like normal, but we are in a “new normal” as they call it, a “new normal” which is far different from those who have never experienced a loss such as ours.  Over a period of time, the sting of Jonn’s death will wane, but there will always be the triggers which brings about the severe pain.

Ana and I have been to the movies now, but it was hard at first to go and enjoy them.  And just when we thought everything was ok with that regard, we went and watched the new Total Recall. Everything was just fine until we got to the end, when the audience is led to wonder if the main character was dead or merely unconscious. This obvious suspenseful setup was not what got us, it was when the actress placed her hands on the leading actors face, and while slightly shaking his head, she yelled “wake up” over and over again.   This instantly took Ana and I to where Jonn had died, and we both wished that we could have been there to yell “Wake up Jonn, Please Wake up”.  We enjoyed the movie all the way to that point, and at the precise moment, we just wanted to walk out and drive home.

There are the Holidays, Jonn’s love for decorating the Christmas tree, helping with the haunted house, family parties….all which now finds us lacking any desire and enthusiasm simply because Jonn is not here to share the moments with us.

There are the favorite foods, drinks, songs. The way people dress, shoes, hair styles…all which at any given point, can trigger a reaction.  These and many others are what happens to those who grieve the loss of a very close loved one.  It is something that people who have not walked in our shoes can understand or relate with. But it is the care giver, the person who is trying to offer comfort, who makes the effort to understand and does not condemn the bereaved.

There is no easy way to explain the affects of death, especially the affects that are felt by a parent. I guess that the only way to attempt to describe the overwhelming sense of loss is by the old adage I have heard with regards to work and people who retire.  Take a bucket, put your arm in the bucket and make a fist and then fill the bucket up with water.  Once the bucket is filled, pull your fist and arm out of the bucket.  What happens to the area where you arm and fist were?  The area is instantly filled with water, and the space which your fist and hand once occupied is instantly filled.

In the aspect of losing a child or a very close loved one, when they are taken away from you, your heart and mind are left with a gaping hole with the nerve endings exposed. Nothing fills the space where your loved one once occupied. That space is ripped open and nothing can ever replace this new emptiness. And that emptiness remains there until we die. But through the comfort, support and love, offered by care givers through one-on-one contact, and by trusting in God and all of His promises, healing does come. We feel it and know it to be true, but we also know that there are many more dark times ahead of us.

I wonder how long it will be before I can just get into bed and fall asleep right away like I used to? I wonder when I will stop reliving that phone call from LAPD and stop hearing the words: “your son passed”. I wonder how long it will be until I stop seeing Jonn lying in the morgue or being placed into the crematorium?  I wonder if there will ever be a day when I can think about Jonn without any sadness?

For those who ever do provide care and support for the bereaved remember, it is not about where the loved one went to, it is all about where the bereaved is now, and what they do not have any more.  When passing by the bereaved at church, at work, or in public, instead of asking the standard Hey how are you doing, or how’s it going, change the tone, change the words and ask: How have you been holding up these days? Ask them if there is anything they need. Bring them a cup of coffee or ask if they want to take a break and go and talk.  Show concern and interest because that is what they truly need. They need to feel wanted, important and to be shown care.

Remember that while they may look normal, inside, they have a huge whole in their heart and understand that they feel all alone. The most painful time for the bereaved is when they are all by themselves, or during their quiet times.

Wisdom:

Parents always give their children advice, hoping that from our experiences, trials and tribulations, we can help them avoid the mistakes and troubles we made.  We offer this advice out of care and love because want only the best for our kids. This advice I offer you, the advice of going in person to be with the bereaved early on, is advice that is be being offered from my own experience as well as from a love for those who will one day follow a similar journey as ours.

We experienced very personal support from a very small number of people. But perhaps that is what makes our love for them so much deeper. Perhaps if a flock of people came and gave us that same level of support, we would not have been able to establish such a bond as we have with the few. Perhaps it  is all part of the healing process to suffer long periods of solitude at our home without anyone being around.

Perhaps part of this is a lesson for us, so that we can learn how to humble ourselves and let go of the bitterness towards those whom we thought we could count on for support, who in truth disappeared from our lives. Perhaps through all of this, we will come out having been cleansed by the fires of our own tribulations:

Zechariah 13:9 This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, ‘They are my people,’ and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.’”

What I do know is that I do not need to know “why” at any given moment. I have experienced God’s grace over and over and understand that in each case, God will make me stronger, wiser and more faithful to Him. I know this because when I look back at my life, I see how God has rescued me each time. And because of this knowledge, I no longer have the need to ask “why me God”, but instead ask: “how can I serve you today God?”

Every day we turn to God and trust that He will deliver us from the Valley of the shadow of Death”. And to that passage which I have used a couple of times now, I find that to be a twist of irony. 

When I was in my Deacon training, during the 12 week Homily course (how to write sermons), the first sermon that I was told to write was on the 23^rd Psalm. I guess God was already working on preparing me for this journey. What I know and where I am now in comparison to where I was before is remarkable. God has taken Ana and I into a new level of our faith, with a stronger trust in God and a devoted love for Him. This realization of my first sermon and how poorly I did with that sermon, and my realization right now as I write makes me wish that I could go back and write a new sermon for Jonn’s funeral.

This past year has been the hardest year I have ever experienced, but in comparison to how we were in the early months after Jonn’s death to where we are now, I am assured that we will survive and we will be living testimonies of God’s grace. We stand now, giving testimony of how God has richly blessed us by giving us the extra time we had with Jonn simply because of where we live and where he went to school (all of the commuting time). We see that with our search for a place for Jonn and Robyn to go for Sunday school, the hour long drive to church and the hour long drive back from church God gave us that extra time to be with them both.

And through our journey this past year, God continues to show us His love. The timing of finding the note from Jonn when Ana was near her breaking point, the people who have reached out to us to share with us how Jonn touched their lives, to finding essays written by Jonn where he gives all Glory to God, are all proof that God has not abandoned us.

Ana has received so many blessings, to include the one presented earlier this week on the anniversary of when we last saw Jonn alive.  After a year of Jonn’s absence, Ana found an essay which Jonn had written during his senior year. It was an essay about poetry and I will transcribe what Jonn wrote, what Ana found on the 1 year anniversary of our last time with Jonn. I have taken the liberty to skip the very beginning and skip a part at the end:

Poetry Response #7

….For the past four years, I have been preparing to leave high school so I can enter an ivy-league school. That was the plan and I did not make it. I didn’t apply to any UC’s and I did not get into the Air Force Academy. Yet I am alright, because I am comforted in my trust in God. It says in the Bible that if God takes time to tend to the flowers in the world, just imagine how much care He has for His children. There words have been with me through the tough and dark times.

The Bible, to me, is the most important literary piece of all times. Poems have been written since the beginning of time and many, such as t he Psalms, are found in the Bible. The whole Book of Psalms are many poems, which to me have kept me on the righth path. In these poems, I have learned that God will always be with me and that He will llove me more that I can imagine. Psalms are probably the most famous poems of them all, because it is proof of Jesus’ life 400 years before His time. Almost detail by detail his life is written and lived out in the same way. In a world that relies on evidence, it is clearly presented. Yet many people are offended by God’s word…..

…I know this isn’t the typical response, but I feel like I should say this. No one can make others share the same beliefs, but I can speak what I believe is the truth. God is Love.

Jonn received a 20/20 for his grade on that essay.

Where did this come from? How is it that Jonn was able to talk about his faith with everyone he knows with so much boldness?  From his early days in elementary school during lunch when he told everyone that he was going to tell them about Jesus, to the times when he asked me at 9 or 10 years old if he could lead a bible study for kids, to right before his death, when he proudly told us that he had been asked to lead a bible study for the ROTC Chaplains group, Jonn did not hide or back down in his faith.

And let’s not forget the conversation he had with Kristy, when she was retelling him the story of a man who had been severely tortured and then killed. She asked Jonn how can God allow such evil to happen? Jonn’s response was profound: We cannot know God’s will. All we can do is trust in Him, and perhaps God was with that man right from the beginning. Maybe he did not feel anything because God was right by his side when it all happened.

And with that reminder of what Jonn said  to Kristy, we are reminded of Jonn’s last words when he died: Oh God!

I know that God was with Jonn that last moment. While Jonn fought coming into this world during his delivery, Jonn had no problem reaching out to God and going with Him during his last moment here on earth.

I have been envious over those who have had dreams about Jonn, and I have been envious to some degree when Ana received her own personal blessings from God through the: notes, essays and such, but it does not turn me against God. I continue to hold on to His promises, and know that God will deliver us.

I look back now at my life and all of my hardships.  I see how things which did not make sense back then, make perfect sense to me now. I see how I have grown in Faith and look forward to God’s continued grace.

Years ago, and for those who have seen the Grief Video all know, I sustained serious hearing damage.  I have had a loud ringing in both ears for 24 years.  It never goes away, is always louder than any other sound, and while I can hear a pin drop in a perfectly quiet room, the moment there are multiple sounds, together, I cannot separate them and make sense of what is being said or what direction the sounds are coming from.  My left ear is the worst, so it is very normal for me to turn my head to the left so that I can hear better through my right ear.

The other day I was out working in the grass area on our property.  I was all alone and it was perfectly quiet as I was slaving away. That is when I heard it. It was clear, loud and distinct. I only heard from my left ear and when I heard it, I stopped immediately and turned to my left. I received my first blessing from God. I will never forget it and I know for an absolute fact that I was not imagining it.

One simple phrase, and it brought a smile to my face. Two quick words, in Jonn’s own voice:

“Hey Papa” and it was as loud and clear as if Jonn were standing next to me, alive and in person.

“Hey Papa” – in Jonn’s own voice, right on my left side.

I know that Jonn is alive and in full Glory up in Heaven, and I look forward with great joy for the day when I too am lifted up and get to see him again. I know this because God’s promise is always true. I know this because God let Jonn come down and say “Hey Papa”.

To my dear son Jonn: While I will never stop missing your presence, I will always be looking forward to the day when we get to see each other again.

I dedicate this story to you Jonn, with all my love to you, as proud as a father could ever be for his son.

Love,

Papa