November 11, 2011
I know without a doubt that Jonn is up in Heaven, so having his remains buried or kept somewhere is meaningless to me. People who are buried do not live in the ground nor can they hear us when we stand over their grave. The same applies when a person’s remains are kept in a mausoleum or a crypt. But for all three locations, I can understand someone’s need to have a physical location for their loved one’s final resting place. I myself am partial to having ashes spread over a certain place, instead of keeping them stored in a container.
In our old house, Robyn and Jonn’s room was upstairs and the master bedroom was down stairs. After the 1994 earthquake, Ana felt really bad that we could not get to Robyn and Jonn’s room fast enough. Ana’s solution was to have Robyn and Jonn sleep in our room for the next year.
Because I was concerned about the grandchildren and scaring them, Jonn’s remains, in the temporary urn, covered by a red velvet satchel, are placed on the fireplace mantle in our bedroom upstairs. I suspect that his remains will be in our bedroom longer than a year. Initially Robyn objected to having his remains kept in the house.
That same evening, Javier, Yasamin and Sarah come over to visit. We tell them about our day. We enjoy their visit with us.
………………
Wednesday (10/5/11) – I find myself being very strong around everyone. I am able to release my emotions late at night as I work on the thank you cards or early in the morning as I continue with the thank you cards.
Ana is having a very difficult time and I am worried about her. I am also worried because I suspect that with the funeral over, people will go back to their daily routine and our family (Ana, Paul’s family, Kristy’s family, Michelle’s family, and Robyn) will be forgotten. While Michelle’s family lives with us, allowing for immediate grief support for both families, I worry a lot about Paul and Kristy.
This grief business is all very difficult to process and I am now beginning to find certain phrases very upsetting, where before they did not bother me.
Jonn is in heaven now. –
You know what, I completely forgot about that. Stupid me! I feel so much better now that you said that and will not ever cry again or miss Jonn.
Jonn is in heaven now. –
Ok, I will be the first one to tell you that. We all know Jonn is in Heaven. Do you think we are stupid? Jonn is in heaven, but we are left here on earth without being able to see our son/brother.
Just give it to God, trust in Him –
I do not think I was ever taught how to “give it to God”. How do you simply give up loving, seeing and hearing someone for 18 years and not cry? I guess that we are just supposed to say “I give this to you God” and then move along as if nothing ever happened?
(in a lively spunky voice) Hey, I was just calling to see what’s up.
Uh let’s see, Jonn died and we are grieving! And we have not watched any live TV or listened to any radio since September 23rd. We have a difficult time dealing with the outside world right now
Can we take you out to dinner?
Public environments, where everyone is happy and having a great time? Sure why not. Jonn is in heaven now, what do we have to worry about? Let’s laugh, drink and be merry!
Of course I do not respond that way, these are just thoughts that run through my head as I try to be polite. One thing that I am learning “on-the-fly” is how quickly those who are outside the immediate circle (anyone other than parents and siblings) quickly get on with their lives and expect us to do the same.
The week for the most part has very little activity. I spend most of my time at or near Ana’s side during her waking hours. Kristy comes over quite a bit to be with us and that is a huge help. Ana’s parents also come over a couple of times as well.
It is so great having Michelle and her family living with us, and Kristy and her family visiting regularly. Grief is better when the immediate family is together. Unfortunately the risk of everyone crying at the same time makes it harder to console each other, at the same time. I stay strong, which worries Kristy, but after everyone goes to sleep, I stay up working on the BLOG , the thank you cards and cry.
Throughout the week, we also receive visits from Javier, Sarah, Yasamin, and sometimes Nancy and her sister Michelle. We really enjoy having Jonn’s friends over.
Disclaimer: As a Deacon, I reserve the right to preach at any time
During the week, a small matter somehow turns into a big issue and the focus of our grief is tossed to the side. At one point, Ana is told that a specific person is not crying over Jonn’s death, after all, Jonn is in heaven. The person is crying because of the “big issue”.
As the grieving father who should be receiving grief support from others but is not, I have to stop and try and mediate the matter, in defense of my immediate family. I emphasize to the outside group the need to turn the other cheek and offer forgiveness. I did not quote these verses directly, but what I said was based off of them:
Luke 6:28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also...
Romans 12:17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.).
1 Peter 3:9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.
Matthew 6: 14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Mark 12:33 To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.”
Unfortunately the psalmist David spoke truthfully:
Psalm 38:20 Those who repay my good with evil lodge accusations against me, though I seek only to do what is good.
So I am now labeled as being disrespectful towards others and have people mad at me, simply because I tried to get one person, who is grieving, to be recognized for their grief and to ask the other’s to show Jesus’ love.
Of course two other verses have come to fruition:
Proverbs 16:28b…and a gossip separates close friends.
Please stop talking about this problem!
Proverbs 26:20 Without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down.
If you stop talking about this, especially behind people’s backs, the fights will go away. Gossiping is a sin. Please stop.
The feud and accusations continue to date (11/11/11) and I am the one who is being blamed for everything. This and my “A Father’s Story” is allegedly the basis for some people not calling or coming to visit with our immediate family. (Immediate family includes Paul, Kristy, Michelle, Robyn, Ana and I, just in case there is any confusion)
Friday, October 7th 2011 – It’s Ana’s birthday and just a week before was Robyn’s birthday (9/29). Amidst all of the flowers for Jonn, Robyn received flowers for her birthday with a note saying “I hope you have a better birthday next year”. Her flowers got mixed in with all of the flowers for Jonn's passing. After about 10 minutes of Robyn's flowers being in the house, we could not tell which one vase of flowers out of the 2 or 3 dozen belonged to Robyn. I have been reminded that we had a cake and sang happy birthday to Robyn. There was nothing happy about her birthday and while the thought and intentions were good, it was not the right thing to do.
Ana was also given a birthday cake for her birthday. Again, while the thought was genuine, and done out of love, it was obvious that the giver of Ana's cake had no idea how much suffering and pain Ana is in, as was Robyn the week before. Celebrating their birthday's just days before and days after Jonn's funeral was not the right thing to do.
In a near future page to this story, I will be addressing the issue of how to care for someone who is grieving. Here is a sneak peak: Do not celebrate someone’s birthday if they just participated in their child’s, siblings, spouse or parents funeral.
Also, as one who is reaching out to the bereaved, do not be offended if the bereaved becomes upset with things that are said. Until the one who is reaching out can actually step into the bereaved person's shoes and live their life , the one who is reaching out has no idea of what is going on in the bereaved person's head.
So many people have equated our grief with their own grief of being separated from a loved one, loss of a job, loss of a pet or bouts of depression. Losing a child or sibling cannot be compared to anything on this earth. If you have never lossed a child or sibling, it is impossible to know what we are feeling. Hence one of the reasons behind this story. And if anyone is offended by what I write, remember, you are not the one who lost a son and cannot begin to experience our pain.
So with Ana’s birthday came her cousin Robert and his daughter Elizabeth (Eli). They flew in from Indiana with the intent of looking at a couple of SoCal Universities. I had gotten to know Robert through Face Book and was looking forward to meeting him in person. I wish that the circumstances were different, but given the situation, it was really nice to meet Robert and Eli. Robert is a very strong Christian. He knows his bible in and out and his Love for God and understanding of Salvation is very evident.
Deacon time again:
There are those who go to church every Sunday, worship, and then leave the church without ever reading and studying the Bible. Lutherans, Catholics, Anglicans, and Methodists all follow the same liturgical calendar. Using the three year cycle, all of the previously mentioned denominations will read from the same Psalm, Old Testament, Epistle lesson and Gospel lesson every Sunday.
The cycle is repeated every three years with the emphasis of ensuring that any person who walks in off of the street will hear the Gospel and be saved, meaning that they will hear that they are sinners, who need a savior, who are saved by the blood, death and resurrection of God’s only begotten son, Jesus Christ, and that by believing this, will inherit eternal life in Heaven.
The problem is: if you only go to a worship service and never study the bible, you will only hear the gospel and never grow in your faith and knowledge of God and His word.
Paul the Apostle wrote in Hebrews 5:12 In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God’s word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! 13 Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. 14 But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.
Robert is the mature Christian. He knows the bible and knows beyond just the Gospel. It is comforting to be with Robert and I wish that he lived closer. We have a lot in common.
We have many people at our house that Friday evening and the house is filled with family love.
As Robert and Eli head back to their hotel, they say that they want to join us for worship at our church in Arcadia on Sunday. This is very pleasing to hear. Especially since Ana’s family is beginning to take up a lot of real estate each Sunday. It is nice to see her family join us at our church. Especially Paul and his family; who have not been going to church for some time.
Every night, Ana goes to bed and cries for 30 minutes or longer. If I lie down with her when she goes to bed, she will not cry and I feel that my presence inhibits her need to mourn. But as I sit in the kitchen as I do every night, and let Ana go to bed on her own, her deep, gut wrenching crying is unbearable to hear. I want to be able to hold her and take away her pain, but if I do that, she will force herself to stop crying and keep her pain bottled up inside. I am in a Catch 22 for which I pray to God and beg for his mercy. I beg him to ease Ana’s pain.
There is one late night when Michelle and I are sitting in the kitchen and Ana is crying a deep cry. Michelle begins crying and says to me:
“You know, no matter how bad things are, no matter how broken something is, we always know that we could come to you to fix our problem. You have always been able to fix anything” (not an exact quote but close)
My heart sank and for the first time in a couple of days, I cried real hard. She was right. I cannot fix this. All I can do is pray to God and beg for His mercy. I know that He will carry us “through the Valley of the Shadows of Death” but how long will the journey last? I do not want to lose faith in God’s promise and be like Abram and Sarai who took matters into their own hands (Genesis 16). How long will it take before there is relief?
Jumping ahead of time, Ana was told today (11/10/11) by a Christian friend that she has grieved long enough and that she needs to stop crying. This person told Ana that she needs to be strong now and that she needs to get out into the public and go to the stores and start taking control of your life…..You should be over it by now…..!
Kristy was asked today: When are you going to move on with your life?
Sunday came along and we all met at church. Ana, Robyn and I went to Bible Study, which lasts for 1 hour in between worship services. Ana went to her second week with the grief group, which turns out to be more generic grief (marriage, job loss, financial loss, health issues, and death), while I lead the high school group. This is very helpful for my grief, and since Robyn joins me, we have the rest of the college group there as well.
The worship service begins at 10:45 and we are taking up several pews with Paul’s family, Ana, Robyn and I, plus Robert and Eli as well as Mr. and Mrs. Moreno. After church, Eli really wanted to have an In-N-Out burger. If you recall from one of the earlier pages, In-N-Out is not for me, and now with Jonn’s death and Jonn having worked at In-N-Out, Ana and I do not want to go near there.
Everyone who was at church (our family of course) heads over to In-N-Out with the exception of Ana and I. It was just too hard for Ana to bear. Once everyone is done eating, Ana and I drive back to the restaurant to pick up Robyn. From there, we make a quick trip to my office in down town LA (I had to mail something to DC), and then as we are on the freeway, I have a wild thought of a place where Ana and I can get a quick bite to eat. We extend an invitation to Kristy, Jeffrey and Mackenzie to join us at a pizza place which is very similar to Jonn’s favorite place.
On our second trip to New York City, I took Ana, Robyn and Jonn to Grimaldi’s which is just below the Brooklyn bridge. The pies are excellent but the wait to get inside the restaurant is 45 minutes at the least. We all fell in love with their pies, and when I went back and spent 45 days in Manhattan, I made it a point to call Jonn every time I went to Grimaldi’s.
A strange thing with Grimaldi’s is that they have expanded into areas where you would not expect. Two weekends before Ana and I left for Hawaii, I spent the weekend in Phoenix Arizona for work. I had to redo some shoddy work that my assistant did and was doing everything I could to save tax payers money.
It was a very long weekend which included driving from LA on a Friday, worked until 3 am, slept on the office floor and then resumed working at 7a Saturday morning. I worked until 4p and then drove over to my mom and Ron’s place in Gold Canyon, Az (30 minute drive). I stayed at their house and left early in the morning to go back to work.
I worked until about 5p that afternoon and then started driving back to LA. On the western outskirts of Phoenix, I had a major revelation. Grimaldi’s has about 5 joints in Phoenix. After a long search, I discovered that I was close to their western most located restaurant.
A quick 10 minute drive off the 10 freeway and there it was. I walked in and ordered a medium pepperoni, sausage and garlic pie. As I was getting close to finishing the pie (remember, it is a thin crust pizza), I was wondering if I could keep the truck cold enough to keep the pie safe to eat by the time I got home.
The 6 hour ride home was chilly. I could not eat a Grimaldi’s pie that close to LA and not bring home a slice. Sure enough, the left over slices made it home without any incident and you should have seen Jonn’s face the next morning. He opened up the fridge and inside was a Grimaldi’s pizza box with a couple of slices inside. He was so excited that he took the box out and snapped a picture and posted it on his Face Book.
My one and only regret is that I should have ordered a full pie and one for Robyn (she does not eat pork for some silly reason). That evening, when Jonn came home, he was able to enjoy a slice of Grimaldi’s at our house. He always talked about that place and he was able to eat their pizza one last time before he passed away. That was my second to last big gift to Jonn.
It was nice to be with Kristy and her family. I feel so bad for her and see how much she is hurting. As Ana, Kristy and Robyn cry, I remember how I am not able to “fix it”. I am helpless and cannot relieve their pain. Here I am feeling so bad that Jonn is no longer with us (yes, I know he is in heaven), and I am feeling just as bad that I cannot ease anyone’s pain. Double emotions/double pain.
In two days, this is all going to get worse. It will become our bravest move, and will become the most costly move as well…..
We get word that on Tuesday, at their biggest volleyball game of the year, the girls volleyball team is going to do something in honor of Jonn.
We all agree to go and support the team: Kristy and her family, Michelle and her family, Paul (his family lives far away and Paul will be working close by), and Ana and I. I know that this will be hard, and I do everything I can to prepare myself.
On the drive over from our house, our Expedition with over 300k miles is running very poorly. We take a detour over to our regular mechanic and they are unable to determine which cylinders are misfiring. I am forced to take it over to the dealership.
Over the past year alone, we have put in a tremendous amount of money into the truck. Robyn and Jonn would always question why we did not just buy a new truck. Simply put, the $800-$900 each month in gas because of how far it was to school and how far it was to church, prevented us from being able to buy a new/used vehicle.
We drop the truck off only to learn shortly afterwards that this time it is serious. Just to get the truck running somewhat some again, it will cost us $600 with no guarantee that the truck will continue running smoothly. The intake manifold gasket is leaking and the engine coolant is shorting out the 5th and 6th ignition coils. Manifold gasket replacement is quoted at around $3K. Money we just do not have.
Because of the autopsy, we could not file the life insurance claim. Because of that, we had to pay out of pocket for Jonn’s funeral. Remember the expensive flowers and the extra food for 800 people which showed up but not everyone ate? Welcome to our nightmare. Can life get any worse?
I agree to get the truck repaired on the $600 estimate. The dealership had their courtesy van drop us off at Robyn’s work. Michelle met Ana and I there and drove us back to the dealership when the truck was ready and the truck is ready just 30 minutes for the big event at the volley ball game.
I stayed at the dealership as Ana and Michelle drove off in Michelle’s truck. Painfully I wrote a $600 check for the repair, jumped in our truck and headed up the hill to Robyn and Jonn’s old high school where the Volley ball game was about to start.
I found a parking spot, jumped out of the truck and went as fast as I could towards the gymnasium. I walked in and saw a huge crowd. And that is when I saw what they were going to do....
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Page 11
November 14, 2011
Page 11
November 14, 2011
…. First of all I had never been to the girls volleyball games, only the boys. I am not sure if the size of the crowd was normal or if it was above normal because of what they were going to do for Jonn. Never-the-less, it was a very large group. As I walked through the gymnasium, I see what is going on, but I need to focus on the stands to find out where Ana and Michelle’s family are. I spot them, almost in the complete center, near the top of the stands.
As I begin to make my way up there, I bump in to coach Chris, one of Jonn’s volleyball coaches, who is also a sheriff’s deputy. He pulls me off to the side and explains why the team could not make it to Jonn’s funeral. He tells me how they were participating in a two day tournament and to play on Sunday, they had to play on Saturday. He then showed me the huge trophy which they won.
Coach Chris tells me how this year they are devoting their entire season to Jonn and that all of the girls are wearing sweat bands on their wrists with Jonn’s jersey number – 5. He said that the girls are viewing it that Jonn is on the court with them, every time they play. He tells me a few more things and during this time, coach Nate, who is the head volleyball coach for the girls and boys team is making an announcement to the entire crowd. I cannot hear what he said because Coach Chris and I are talking just around the corner.
As coach Chris and I wrap up the conversation, I am already feeling the emotions. It has been less than 2 weeks since Jonn’s funeral and little do we know, the grief has not fully set in yet.
I make my way to the top of the stands and give Ana a kiss, say hello to Paul with a hug and a handshake, say hello to Michelle again and then sit down next to Ana. The view from the top is much different than the view from the bottom. You see more of what is going on than when you are at eye level with everyone else. It takes a moment before it sinks in. I look to the left end of the court, look at the right end of the court, look at everyone walking around and sitting in the stands.
The problem is, when one of the girls from the volleyball team told me the night before that they were going to do something special, I told her that our entire family would be there.
We were all overwhelmed and were crying uncontrollably. Jonn’s name is seen everywhere. We cannot escape it. It is such a painful reminder of how many people loved Jonn, and that Jonn is not with us anymore. This is the most painful public appearance we have made. Excruciatingly painful and we cannot stay. We have to leave…
But I did not feel comfortable after hearing what coach Nate had said and how coach Chris said that the girls wanted to dedicate their entire season to Jonn. I was worried about how it might look to the team and they were so proud of what they were doing. They were doing something special for us, and I did not want them to be disappointed if we left early.
Javier, Clayton and several others who have graduated but played on the boys volleyball team with Jonn show up. The attendance, number of people wearing the T shirts, and the friends of Jonn who come up to us is unbelievable. It is so hard to process all at once.
As the match continues (best 3 out of 5 games), our family is suffering (emotionally) tremendously. Unfortunately the visiting team is winning and to leave now would make it look like we are leaving because our team is losing. I did not want to cause them any embarrassment or bring about any disappointment after all that they had done. So we stay until the match is over, which is only 3 games.
On October 26th, I sent the following message to the girl’s volleyball team:
To the West Ranch Girls Volleyball team
My family and I cannot thank you enough for all of your support. We were so touched and moved at the game two weeks ago by the outpouring of love and compassion.
We feel bad that we have not been able to come to any other game. When we walked in two weeks ago and went high on the bleachers, we saw all of the T shirts and posters and were frozen. I knew we would have a difficult time being at the game, but never did I expect to feel the way all of us did. Out of love and respect for all of you, we chose to stay, even though it was just as hard as learning about Jonn’s death.
We hope that soon we can attend another game, but only time will tell how well we are healing. For now, the days seem to get darker instead of brighter. We cry more and more each day.
Thank you again for your love for Jonn and your love for our family.
Mark Flath
Their season is now over and we were never able to make any more of their games. That day on October 11 was more than painful, it triggered a series of events which at first was horrific, but proved to be beneficial to some degree afterwards. As for the donation to our family from the T shirt profit….live by the maxim: Never count your chickens before the eggs are hatched. But I am sure that they will honor their commitment.
I was truly moved by the couple and I told Ana that I wanted to send them a thank you card for what they said after the volleyball match. Unfortunately this writing reminds me that I have not done that. (note to self – get off your arse and send the thank you note now- done 11/14/11 in the afternoon).
This same couple also attended Jonn’s funeral with their daughter. In fact, there were a number of parents who drove the 50 miles one way to Jonn’s funeral. And a small number of these parents have made repeated moves to reach out to us. The Blumenthal’s have reached out more than any couple and they are truly a wonderful family. Just like Ed and Laureen, the Bloomenthal’s continue to sing high praises of Jonn.
We left the school and headed to a restaurant right after Robyn got off of work.
Robyn took 2 weeks off of school and 3 weeks off of work. When Robyn returned to school, she dropped her interior design class and continued taking her math class. A week later she returned to work. Is this a good or bad decision?
At the restaurant, Javier, Sarah and Yasamin join us. After we finish, they head over to our house. We really enjoy having them over.
………….
Wednesday starts off with trying to obtain information. I want a copy of the 911 call. I want to know why the paramedics arrived 16 minutes after the 911 call. I want to know why the 911 operator told the senior cadets to perform CPR when the senior cadets said Jonn had a pulse. I also want to know about the autopsy and the One Legacy company.
After dropping Robyn off at school, and as Ana and I head over to Denny’s for our 75 minute wait for Robyn’s class to get out, I sense that Ana is not doing well. She is too calm. While I am driving, Ana pulls out the health insurance card and begins to dial their number. From here it goes downhill real fast.
She wants to have an appointment with a therapist or psychologist or psychiatrist. They give us the names and numbers of the ones in our immediate area. We call them and they all say that their next available appointment is not until January. When we explain our current situation and how Ana feels, they all recommend an immediate drive to the emergency room. And that is where we ended up.
While at the ER, I spend a lot of time sending emails to the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod Pacific SouthWest District office. I am asking if there are any local churches in the synod which provide grief support….This becomes a looped circle relatively soon.
After several doctors talked with Ana and after running blood tests, they realize the seriousness of the situation. Miraculously one of the doctors we called earlier becomes available, for an appointment the next day.
After about 4 or 5 hours in the ER, we are released. It is a rough time now but knowing that we will see a Doctor the next day brings some relief.
The volleyball match had to have been what pushed Ana over the edge.
………….
Thursday morning and we take Robyn to school and then head over to the psychiatrist. He asks Ana questions and then types away on his keyboard. After a couple more questions, and more typing, he starts talking to Ana, but as he talks, most of his time is spent staring at the screen, as if he is reading a script which popped up after he typed in some responses to her answers. It seemed so canned, impersonal.
The doctor clearly states that Ana is not depressed and that she is suffering from grief. He arranged for Ana to have an appointment that afternoon to speak with a therapist. Yes, that same day.
After lunch and dropping Robyn off at work, we head back to the doctor’s office and go in for the therapy session. This turned out to be a non-Christian therapist who did not seem to help Ana at all.
The LCMS district office responds and I have a pastor who tells me to contact another pastor who specializes in grief training and grief support. The second pastor lost his 16 year old son and comes to the table with experience. I contact the second pastor and explain to him our situation. Actually I encouraged the district to review the BLOG site, which is how they learn about Jonn and our situation. The second pastor, understanding why we go so far for church, informs me that the Deacon (Don) and his wife at our old church are trained grief counselors. Funny because when we use to go to that church, I seem to recall being their Elder. It is now time for the tables to be turned:
When it comes to grief care, I am actually a certified Stephens Minister, having taken and completed the 1 year course while I was simultaneously going through the Deacon training classes. And when I was an Elder at our old church, I had attended 2 grief counseling courses. Funny though how no matter how much training I have, that training does no good to me and Ana because we are on the opposite side of the room now. We are not the givers, but are the grief care receivers
I reach out to Don and he says that he will check with his supervising pastor to see if there are any active grief programs in the nearby area. Don calls me back later and suggests that I contact the first pastor whom I already spoke with. I advise Don of this and he suggests calling the second pastor, who was the one who trained him. I advised Don that it was that pastor who suggested that I contact him. The circle did not last long as Don took matters into his own hands. He and his wife eventually came to our house.
What I am learning is that our church network, along with most other church’s do not handle grief care very well. This is going to change soon, and “A Father’s Story” will be the launching pad.
The expedition is running rough again. The time has come. That afternoon, I begin reaching out to many dealerships on-line for quotes. Here is the formula that I have to work with.
Estimated monthly gas expense with the Expedition: $900
New vehicle must be double the gas mileage of the Expedition
Fuel savings = available monthly payments to break even.
Fear factors –
· used car/low price/high odometer reading/older car/breakdowns real soon
· used car/high price/low odometer reading/newer car/reliability factor is high
· Nothing in our price range/fuel economy range/age of vehicle which can support grandchildren (up to 7 passenger vehicle)
………….
Friday morning, October 14th (note the date please)
We are sitting at the kitchen table when the phone rings. I answer and a lady speaks. I am not sure if I heard her correctly so I ask her to repeat what she just said:
Hello, my name is ????, and I am calling from the Marina Del Rey Hospital. May I speak with Jonn Flath please? He came to our emergency room and we did not get his insurance information.
You want to talk to our son Jonn who died at your hospital? You are calling to speak with our dead son? What is wrong with you? Doctor Selser pronounced our son dead at 4:58pm on September 23rd and you are calling to talk with him?
I’m sorry sir, I just work in the billing department and I do not have any information about what was done or what happened to Jonn.
You mean to tell me that our son is pronounced dead at your hospital and there are no records of him dying? You have nothing in front of you to say that this patient died?
No sir, I’m sorry sir I just work…..
Do me a favor. Turn this over to your supervisor and ask your supervisor to call me. This is unacceptable and unprofessional. And then I hang up.
My blood is boiling. Ana is falling apart now because of the phone call. Later on that day my in-laws show up to spend time with Ana. Ana and I have an appointment at a local dealership and we ask Ana’s parents if they want to go with us. They agree.
We pull out of our driveway and down the road to our mailbox (every day, for a good 45 day’s we receive a sympathy card from someone). Among the sympathy cards is a government envelope. It is a bill from the Los Angeles City Fire department for Advance Life Support and transportation fees. The bill is very insulting to us. The paramedics arrived 16 minutes after the 911 phone call was placed and they could not save Jonn. Now they want to charge us for their less than adequate services?
I am so upset that I call LAFD and let loose. All I do is get someone on the other end of the phone to be sad. My anger is increasing and I need to control myself. After all, why should I be upset?
· Our son died
· The stress of wondering if we could see his body before the coroner takes his body away
· The organ donation phone calls
· The 75 questions
· Jonn’s heart was removed before the autopsy was conducted even though the ER doctor said that Jonn died of a heart attack
· Cannot file the life insurance claim until we receive a completed death certificate
· Needless birthday celebration for Robyn (the thought was there and that counts for something)
· The trip to Loyola Marymount to walk Jonn’s last steps
· Unnecessary flower expense
· The lady forcing her way into our private moments at the funeral
· The unnecessary expense of ordering too much food
· My cousin not being able to sit with the family
· Jonn’s cremation and the guy placing his hand on my shoulder
· Cold weather and a truck without heat
· The big issue – which I am being attacked for trying to mediate
· Needless birthday celebration for Ana (the thought was there and that counts for something)
· October 6th the Coroner’s report is deferred because they did not have a heart to look at.
· Deferred report means no complete death certificate which means we still cannot file for the life insurance, which means we are still out of pocket the funeral expense. Waiting on One Legacy’s pathology report of Jonn’s heart.
· The truck breaking down at a price of $600
· The volleyball experience
· Ana breaking down
· Needing a new truck and we have no money
· The hospital calling to speak with Jonn
· The LAFD bill
· Insensitive comments
· Not sleeping.
· All while trying my best to be a loving, comforting husband, father, step father, step grandfather while grieving privately so that the family does not feel compelled to come and hold my hand.
· Last but not least, the lack of support for our family from those whom we naturally expected support from and the attacks from these same people. This has probably been the most shocking of all while those who are supporting us, are blowing us away with their love. In some cases, this tremendous outpour of love is coming from people we hardly knew before Jonn passed away.
After all of this, I have not started writing “A Father’s Story”. I published my first page on October 20th and this point in the story is only October 14th.
I have endured quite a bit up to this point without saying anything. Soon after I started writing this story and putting down certain facts, it was amazing how quickly the complaints start coming in. I wonder if those who have complained would consider walking in my shoes. How long would they be able to hold up under all of this?
And this is an introduction to addressing grief care – those on the outside have no idea how those on the inside feel.
First recommendation:
Many people stay away because they do not know what to say. That is the worst thing to do because those on the inside feel abandoned. Simply visit, sit and say nothing. Being there and saying nothing is a million times better that not visiting at all.
Second recommendation:
Do not ever put a time limit on grief. This is not depression, this is not an illness, this is a life long event which only those who have lost a loved one can ever sympathize with the bereaved.
Third recommendation:
Think before you speak. No matter how strong a person’s faith is, they will grieve. Each person grieves differently. In the case of losing a child, the mother will be the one who is most affected. It is not a matter of faith or a lack of faith; it is a matter of losing that physical earthly connection one has with the child, who has passed away. Even those who are strong in faith and know that they will be reunited with their child in Heaven still grieves the earthly physical loss for the rest of their earthly lives.
Again this is an introduction to grief care. A Father’s Story will continue with page 12, but now I have to focus on writing a sermon for the upcoming Monday night worship service. If you are reading this before November 21st, can I encourage you to come to the Monday night service at 7:00pm at Our Savior Lutheran Church Arcadia where Jonn’s funeral was held? We will have the Lord’s Supper (Holy Communion) that night and I promise not to make the service run late.
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Page 12
Written on November 22, 2011
Page 12
Written on November 22, 2011
Thank you for being patient. Preparing for the worship service proved to be tougher than I expected and I had made a promise to myself that I would not continue with this story until after I preached on Monday November 21st.
Before I continue, I am reminded of two events that I did not pen. I do not remember the actual dates so I will include them in this indented section as they are reflective at this point.
There was a day when after dropping Robyn off at college, instead of going out for breakfast as Ana and I had on previous mornings, Ana threw me a curve ball. As we pulled away from the campus, she told me that we had to run over to the mall and return a couple of items. The mall is just 2 minutes from the campus.
There was a day when after dropping Robyn off at college, instead of going out for breakfast as Ana and I had on previous mornings, Ana threw me a curve ball. As we pulled away from the campus, she told me that we had to run over to the mall and return a couple of items. The mall is just 2 minutes from the campus.
If you recall how I felt on the day we went shopping for new clothes for Jonn’s funeral, going to the mall was the last place I wanted to go. Being caught off guard, and with all that had been going on, I drove Ana to the mall, but my anger was rising at a very rapid pace. Ana could tell I was upset. After all, I had not been given any warning about this. I was blindsided.
We arrived at the mall and I walked in with Ana. During this time, I turned from a loving, supportive and caring husband, to a self centered, arrogant arse. It was early and not many people were there. Basically just a bunch of mom’s pushing their babies in their strollers (reminding me of Jonn in a stroller) and all the stores had their music playing loud. I was so upset that we were there and I am sure that my body language was screaming “ARSE, ARSE. ARSE” with every step I took. Remember the Michael Douglas movie which I referenced? That feeling of rage came back within minutes. We were in and out as fast as we could and when we got into the truck, I exploded.
It is only fair that if I expose other people’s attitudes, that I expose how terrible I was that morning. Yes, I was hurt, upset and had reached the limits of all that I had been holding in while trying to be strong for everyone. While I selfishly wanted someone to care for me and protect me, but my reaction was unjustified. I was screaming mad at having had to go back to that mall after how that Thursday before Jonn’s funeral was. I displayed a level of verbal anger towards Ana which I have never displayed before. All of the stress, grief, pain, and anger of Jonn’s death was unleashed in a 5 minute tirade. But no matter how real my feelings were, no matter what I was going through emotionally, nobody deserves to be treated the way I treated Ana. I failed as a husband to love and protect my wife.
I am a firm believer that women should always be treated with respect and dignity. I am a firm believer that any man who hits a woman should be imprisoned. I would never hit a woman, yet the way I yelled and screamed in that 5 minute explosion was just as powerful any physical abuse. I completely lost control, and unleashed on Ana. For that, I deserve the most extreme punishment.
After I calmed down, I realized how terrible I had acted, and all that I said. I was ashamed of myself at how I treated Ana, and given the current state of mind that she was in, it was the worst thing I could have ever done. I told her how sorry I was for all that I said and how I acted. I begged for her forgiveness and vowed never to lose control like that again. But no matter how sorry I am, Ana has been emotionally scarred by me during the worst point in her life.
The other incident is with our dog. I know it seems wrong to be talking about a dog while talking about Jonn’s death, but it bears mentioning because it fits in with everything else that we were dealing with.
We got a pair of male and female dogs about a month after we moved into Agua Dulce, because the area is so rural, and the fact that I travel quite a bit. Both dogs came from the same litter and were Border Collies mixed with a shorthaired father (unknown type). Jonn named the male dog Frodo and I named the female dog Sadie.
In early January 2003, Frodo jumped onto the pool cover and could not get out of the pool. Because our pool is located down below the front of our house, at the bottom of a very small hill, we could not hear the dogs barking. We suspect that it was probably an hour before we heard the barking. Once I realized what had happened, I ran down to the pool, saw the bloody paw prints on the side of the pool in the deep end, I quickly pulled Frodo from the pool.
We ran into the small garage and did everything we could to warm him up. After about 1 hour of heavy shaking/shivering, Frodo had calmed down. Over the next two weeks, Sadie and Frodo would play with us and each other. There were never any signs of trouble. One day, I left the house at 5 am to go to Fresno and then to San Jose. When I left that morning, Frodo greeted me as he always did when I would leave for work. He seemed perfectly fine. When Ana, Jonn and Robyn came home from school that afternoon, Frodo had passed away. It was Jonn’s dog and he was devastated.
Sadie grew to be become a beautiful trail dog, never needing a leash. The odd thing was, even though I traveled a lot and Robyn and Jonn saw Sadie more than I did, whenever we went hiking, Sadie would always stay with me. Our last hike with Jonn, Robyn and I was probably a year ago, and I remember laughing at the fact that no matter what we did, even if they put Sadie on a leash and walked away from me, the moment they released her, she would come running to me. When Jonn and I went out on the Boy Scout hikes, I would take Sadie with us. If I was in the front of the pack, Sadie would be there with me. If I fell back to the back of the pack, Sadie would fall back as well. She was a very loyal dog and proved to be the best trail dog ever.
Throughout the years, we experienced many deaths of animals and each animal brought tears to the family. As Jonn grew older, he oftentimes had to deal with the deaths on his own as I was on travel. We lost 4 Chihuahua’s of which one was Jonn’s favorite. My father-in-law, Ana and Jonn all cried when we had to put Chewy down. Jonn also lost his first favorite cat. In fact, Tabitha was taken the same year of Frodo’s death.
Jonn’s hardest exposure with the death of animals came with two new born goats. They died at birth and since I was traveling as usual, Jonn had to deal with their remains. While removing their remains, Jonn heard a sound and realized that a 3rd goat had survived.
I remember telling Jonn and Robyn that we experience the death of animals so that we are reminded how precious life is and that any moment we ourselves could die. I told them that God uses the death of animals to prepare us for the death of loved ones and to understand that we have no idea when death comes to take us away. Regardless, losing a pet, especially one you have a deep bond with, is hard to deal with.
Something happened to Sadie a day or two after Jonn’s passing. We were so caught up in Jonn’s death that we could not tend to her needs. I thought for sure that she would pass that first night, but for some reason, she hung on for at least 2 weeks. Each night I would say that she would be gone by the next morning, and each morning she was still alive with her tail wagging, even when she could not get up.
Sadie stopped eating and became very weak. The time had come, and finances prohibited any relief. Even to put her down at the vets would have cost around $200, which is a small amount when you consider what we had spent on Jonn’s funeral. Living in a rural area where we do, it is not uncommon to take the matter of ending an animal’s life into your own hands. But with the grandchildren living at our house, we had to exercise caution. Calling upon local friends, they came and took Sadie away. Her offspring Teddie was whimpering and whining as her mother was being driven off. The grandchildren were sad to see Sadie go, but I stood there without any pain. Losing a pet was just a preparation in helping us deal with losing a family member. Sadie’s death paled in comparison to Jonn’s death.
I am not sure how I am going to handle my next hike. I will not have my favorite trail dog and I will miss the humor of Sadie always being at my side and seeing Jonn’s frustration at that and his amazement at her loyalty. But what I will miss the most will be Jonn on the trail with me. Jonn and I went on some great hikes together.
My favorite hike with Jonn was a hike up one of the local mountains where Jonn got to see what an ice storm looks like. I was so excited to see his reaction at seeing trees covered with ice. He was amazed at God’s beauty through nature. Giant pine trees, delicate plants, all covered with a thick layer of ice. That hike will always be my favorite because Jonn showed how strong he was (he was 13 on that hike), and he showed such joy and amazement with what he experienced. It was a great bonding time for the both of us. It was also our most dangerous because of the steep climbs and heave ice and eventually deep snow. Jonn never hesitated to remind me afterwards how I kept saying, we're almost there, it's just around the corner. I must have said that at least 20 times on that steep, icy, cold climb. Afterwards it became a humorous phrases which Jonn and I used every now and then.
We live right on the Pacific Crest Trail which runs from the Mexicican border to the Canadian border. Every year, at the end of April, hundreds of hikers set out to hike from the Mexican border and at the end of May and the first couple of weeks in June, the hikers pass through our town. Jonn and I had hiked the local sections of the PCT. I am not sure how I will feel next year, when the hikers pass through Agua Dulce. Jonn will not be around with us when we talk with the hikers who come from all over the world. Jonn will not be with us when we offer to give the hikers a ride back to the trail head after their 2 or 3 day stay in Agua Dulce.
I am going to miss my hiking partner. I am going to miss Jonn. But I know what Jonn is saying: Papa, your almost there, healing is just around the corner.
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Saturday morning, October 15th
We are still researching a new/used vehicle. Kristy continues to come over to the house and be with us. I really love having both Kristy and Michelle with us.
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Sunday morning, October 16th
We head off to church and Ana does not want to go to the grief class. It is too generic and does not deal specifically with death, especially death of a child. I am still leading the high school/college group and I find a lot of solace being with them.
I try my best to tie the bible together with how Jonn lived his life. We talk about peer pressure, praying to God, and making them feel at ease in how to use the bible’s concordance. We play a game that I created called S.T.U.M.P.. In short, there is not one thing on this earth than cannot be tied to the bible. This is something that we taught Robyn and Jonn.
Simply put, at any given time in your life, you should be able to take what you are doing and make reference to your friends, a place in the bible.
Take for instance bowling. Bowlers give a “High Five” whenever you get a strike. Instead of giving a High Five, shout out Jerico. After saying that a couple of times, someone will be bound to ask why Jerico? Your response – it reminds me of a passage in the bible where the walls of Jerico came tumbling down.
When you see someone tying their shoes or putting on shoes, say quietly but loud enough for them to hear - John 1:27. There will be a time when someone asks, why do you always say John 1:27 every time I am tying my shoes. Tell them how you are reminded of a passage in the bible:
John 1: 27even he who comes after me, the strap of whose sandal I am not worthy to untie."
It is a great way to teach that God is everywhere. The high school and college students seem to enjoy this. Even the adults in the class enjoy this teaching.
We are so happy that Paul and his family are joining us for church. This day however is very hard for us. Our church celebrates the Lord’s Supper on the 1st and 3rd Sunday of every month. We do this so that people do not become so accustomed to receiving communion every sunday and then loses its meaning by becoming routine.
Robyn was unable to be with us on October 2nd, the day after Jonn’s funeral. Today Robyn is with us and we all go up for communion. Ana, Robyn, Paul and his entire family and myself. Robyn and Jonn would always compete to see who could fill out the communion attendance card the neatest. The attendance card is handed to the usher as you walk up for Holy Communion. This day, Robyn had no competition. She filled out the card without seeing Jonn there, doing the same thing.
Robyn was unable to be with us on October 2nd, the day after Jonn’s funeral. Today Robyn is with us and we all go up for communion. Ana, Robyn, Paul and his entire family and myself. Robyn and Jonn would always compete to see who could fill out the communion attendance card the neatest. The attendance card is handed to the usher as you walk up for Holy Communion. This day, Robyn had no competition. She filled out the card without seeing Jonn there, doing the same thing.
This is the first time during a regular worship service that we take communion without Jonn. Pastor could not even look at me as he gave me communion. He saw that we were all crying and he had to look away. That was the first time I saw an emotional response from pastor. I am not saying that as a gig against him. He is a man of passion and emotion. He is very caring. I think that what happened was that he was caught off guard and had a hard time for that moment, holding in his feelings while giving Holy Communion.
As we sat in our pews, we were all crying very hard. It was noticed by those who sat behind us, and those who sat directly in front of us.
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Monday morning, October 16th
Jonn’s urn has been ready for some time now. We have a lunch appointment with the pastor and we use this time to go to the funeral home and have Jonn’s remains transferred to the permanent urn. So we take the temporary urn and put it in the truck. This seems very odd that we are taking his remains out of the house again. Usually once the remains are in the urn and placed in the home, they do not leave. Taking them into the truck reminds me of how we used to take Robyn and Jonn driving all the time.
As a family, we spent a lot of time driving around southern and central California. We would sightsee and explore new areas. Of course we did this when they were younger and did not have weekend activities to contend with. But none-the-less I am reminded of those past moments. Jonn’s remains are with us in the truck, as we go driving down the road again.
At the funeral home, I am reminded of our first time being there. That feeling of dread returns. Fortunately it does not take long to do what needs to be done. A short drive and we are at the church. We meet with the pastor and off we go to his favorite restaurant for lunch. This is our first real private time with the pastor since Jonn’s death. It has been needed, and we talk a lot about how we are feeling, with an emphasis on Ana. Pastor addresses her feelings and then he turns to me and says that I need to let people see me cry.
Pastor says that if they do not see me cry, they will not want to approach me out of fear that they will think that I cannot relate with their pain or that they might think that my faith is so strong that they could never be as strong in faith as I. I assure him that people see me cry and I remind him of Holy Communion. His point of people viewing an emotionless church leader not being able to relate with someone’s pain hits home. I remember what my father told me weeks before. It seems that my pastor, who has been a pastor for nearly 40 years has more experience in how to relate and minister to people. I take pastor’s advice with all seriousness.
During our lunch, we told pastor that Jonn remains were in the truck. You should have seen his face. He looked at us as if we were some crazy couple who takes their deceased son’s remains out for regular drives. He looked shocked. We then explained what we had to do before we met with him. I do not think Ana realized the pastor’s reaction, but I did. It made me smile inside.
I am reminded of a trip that we took a long time ago to visit my mother and Ron in Phoenix. We drove our station wagon there, and on one night, we went out to dinner at a Mexican restaurant with all of us in the station wagon. As we sat down in the restaurant, something just did not seem right. Something was missing. And then it dawned on us. Jonn was still in the back of the station wagon. When I went to open the back of the car, Jonn was there without any worries.
That story reminds me of last years Thanksgiving which was held at Nancy’s house, my sister-in-law. Nancy is the one who did a wonderful job arranging everything with the church and caterers for the food. Well last year, after dinner was over, we offered to help take Jeffrey, Kristy and Mackenzie back to my in-laws house which is just a couple of blocks away and up a small hill. It was cold and we did not want them to have to walk in the cold dark of night.
There was so much stuff in our truck (Ford Expedition) and many passengers but Jonn climbed into the back and turned himself into a temporary contortionist. With an arm sticking out in one place, his head sticking out from another place, and two feet appearing from places where it was humanly impossible to be, we all managed to fit into the truck. We drove the couple of blocks and up the hill to Ana’s parent’s house without incident. I still remember Jonn’s face when I opened the back tail gate of the truck. I have never seen Kristy laugh as hard as she did.
We finished our lunch with the pastor and headed home, continuing with our grief.
Over the next week, we are dealing with the coroner’s office, police department, fire department, filing official complaints, etc.
We continue searching for a new/used vehicle. I love the fact that we can do this on line.
We take Robyn to college, have our breakfasts, take her to work. We are getting involved with grief care and counseling of which I will write about in a separate page which addresses healing.
I cannot remember anything of special significance from the week. I know that Javier and Yasamin vist. People call, and very few visit. We are noticing that there are people who have distanced themselves from our lives. It hurts Ana very much. She would have never expected these people to just vanish, or only call once every two or three weeks.
I actually referenced this aspect of Christianity in my 11/21/11 sermon. Those who profess to be Christians yet quickly disappear (goats), and the others who come running to be by our side who are people we hardly knew before Jonn's death (sheep).
Matthew 25:31-46
Ana’s crying is getting deeper and deeper every day. The doctors tell us that she is not in depression, she is in deep grief. A very deep grief because Jonn’s death was so unexpected and there does not appear to be any cause for his death. They say that the way she feels is normal and that it will take a very long time to heal. There is no medicine other than time, prayer and God’s healing hand.
Throughout the week, I stay up late and get up early, living on about 4 ½ hours to 5 ½ hours. I spend a lot of time at night writing this story. During the day I try my hardest to be emotionally stable for Ana. I find that I am becoming calloused. I feel that I have to be so strong for everyone that I have a hard time now expressing my own grief, even when alone during the day.
I strongly hold on to the fact that Jonn is in Heaven and that we will one day be reunited with Jonn. I see all of God's love and blessings that he provides for us during this time and all I can do is stand strong because of that. But I know that I must mourn for health reasons. I need to release what is being kept inside. I feel that I am wearing down.
My release comes only in the dark hours of night. The music from the Jonn Scott Flath montage begins to play and at the first picture of Jonn as a baby, my heart begins to pour out.
It helps me sleep after hearing and seeing the montage. Thank you Yasamin, Cori and Kristy. Thank you for letting me spend time with Jonn every night. Thank you for allowing my tears to flow for my son.
Thank you for providing me with a safe haven to release what I feel inside.
I strongly hold on to the fact that Jonn is in Heaven and that we will one day be reunited with Jonn. I see all of God's love and blessings that he provides for us during this time and all I can do is stand strong because of that. But I know that I must mourn for health reasons. I need to release what is being kept inside. I feel that I am wearing down.
My release comes only in the dark hours of night. The music from the Jonn Scott Flath montage begins to play and at the first picture of Jonn as a baby, my heart begins to pour out.
It helps me sleep after hearing and seeing the montage. Thank you Yasamin, Cori and Kristy. Thank you for letting me spend time with Jonn every night. Thank you for allowing my tears to flow for my son.
Thank you for providing me with a safe haven to release what I feel inside.
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Friday October 21st
We have been so blessed to have some friends from church coming over to visit with us. This is very hard for me because I do not like people doing things for me. I will not even let anyone serve me food unless of course it is at a restaurant. I am the last to put food on a plate, and the last one to sit down. I have been like that for a long time, always wanting to make sure that everyone has enough food and a place to sit, before me. Now when it comes to someone driving over 50 miles just to come and be with us because of our grief, this is really hard for me, but I force myself to push my feelings to the side for one reason, Ana needs their company.
Val and Michelle and their daughters come to visit with us. We were friends with them before Jonn’s passing, and they had been to our house before for youth events, but this is the first time that they come to our house outside of any church event. If you recall, Val was the one who touched my heart that first Sunday after Jonn’s passing. He was the only one at the church with whom I connected with. He showed his pain for our loss in a way that no other man at church showed. We thoroughly enjoyed their visit and will enjoy many more visits with them.
That same evening, I received a call from Michael Powers, one of the other Deacons at our church. Michael lost his wife to cancer over 7 years ago and over the period of the past weeks, Michael would call me and talk about grief. Aside from the connection that I felt with Val, Michael was the only other man from our church who I felt great comfort in talking with. Val had lost his father 3 years ago and he understood grief. Michael was the same in understanding grief.
Well it just happened to be that Michael and Beverly were just up the road from where we live, so it was a double blessing to have them stop by our house, 50 miles from where they live.
There is a small collection of people who I myself feel so connected to since Jonn’s passing. Val and Michelle, Michael and Beverly, and Leah are those who I am talking about. Back to what I mentioned in page 12, where I referenced Matthew 25:31-46, they are the sheep who visit, and feed. They are living lives that are lead by the Holy Spirit. They come filled by the Holy Spirit and we again are blessed by God when they come and visit.
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Sunday morning, October 23rd
The 1 month anniversary of Jonn’s passing
Taken from the introduction to page 3:
We cried all day long. Everyone. We all went to church together. Ana, Robyn, Micayla, Sophia and I go in our truck for Bible study and church. Michelle, Luis and Mia come later on for church. Kristy and her grandparents show up. Paul, Susie, Marina, Sabrina and Maddison all join us as well.
We all meet back at our house and at 4:00pm, we begin praying, reading scripture, and talking about Jonn for the next hour. This covers the period of time that Jonn began running and when the ER doctor officially pronounced the time of death. My father-in-law and mother-in-law break down crying with the rest of us.
We have dinner and continue the painful crying. Even though we know that Jonn is not gone, but has moved ahead of us and is in Heaven, our loss, our pain here on earth is unbearable.
Javier, Yasamin and Sarah, three of Jonn’s best friends all come to visit. Sarah came by herself and did not stay long. She is hurting and is hiding it. Yasamin and Javier stay until after 11p. They too are hurting and is affecting them deeply.
I say to my self privately: I know Jonn, we are almost there, it's just around the corner.
But I suspect it will be more than just 20 corners this time.......
Page 13
I say to my self privately: I know Jonn, we are almost there, it's just around the corner.
But I suspect it will be more than just 20 corners this time.......
Page 13
