A Father's Story - page 25

writers note - I thought that I had already posted this...in adding to my story, I just realized my mistake. Please forgive me....Mark Flath, July 12th, 20012

A Father’s Story Page 25

Written on April 30^th, 2012

I have digressed enough and it is time to wind down this story.

Some time in late February

So much is happening in our lives right now and it makes it very difficult to do anything. Depression is slowly setting in for me and I find it difficult to go to work. Some days I just want to stay in bed and not do anything. You have heard me mention about my crying, but in reality, it is very little.  I have become so used to having to stay strong and firm around the family that I begin to wonder if I am like my father. This is the last thing that I want to be because I was on the receiving end of no affection or emotions for the better part of my life. I do not want to deny any of my family of the needed comforting words and actions.  I am scared that I am becoming crass and insensitive.

I try at times to imagine Jonn’s last 10 minutes and nothing comes by way of emotions.  It almost feels like when I am gone on a long trip and know that in a matter of a few weeks, I will be with the family again, as if it is no big deal.

I have often thought to myself as we would watch the Biggest Loser when the men cry after seeing their wives and kids for the first time in months. Yes, I understand that they have not even talked with their family for that length of time, but it still affects me as to how much they cry. Then again, when I am on the road for work, I typically talk to the family 2 or 3 times a day.  So perhaps I would be the same.

None-the-less, I feel void of emotions at times and it scares me.  I do not want to be unloving, uncaring and cold.

I am given assurance however during certain times when I do have emotional breakdowns. God assures me that I do love, that I do care and that I am not heartless and cold. My biggest uncontrollable moments are when I go bike riding and my heart races up to max heart rate. The same feelings surfaced from when I went bike riding right before Christmas.

Michelle and I go on a bike ride and when we come back to  the house, I sit on the floor crying. Why I keep asking am I able to be as out of shape, fat and such and still be alive? Why did Jonn have to die? For the first time since Jonn has passed, I find myself lashing out at God – not blaming him for Jonn’s death because I know that God does not decide when each individual dies. I lash out at God because He allowed Jonn to die. My heart is so broken. My son is gone from our earthly life and I have no idea how long I am going to have to wait until I see him again.

What is worse is when Ana hears people talking about their grief and how they have managed over the past 20 and in some cases 40 years.  The pain is so fresh for Ana that she cannot imagine living that long without Jonn. See associates herself living 20 or even 40 years with the pain she is experiencing now.  It is hard for her to imagine the pain subsiding, but that is exactly what it has been doing.

She is healing, but we are only less than 6 months from Jonn’s death, so the pain in all reality is still very powerful and debilitating.  This is what Ana is holding when she looks at a future of waiting 40 years before she can see Jonn.  When you take the pain that is in your hand, it is very difficult to truly know that the pain will subside over time.

We know that we will eventually experience some level of happiness and joy, but right now, we are still in Psalm 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,. The word “through” is the tough part. Not knowing when the valley is going to end and when the darkness will ebb. And that is Ana’s most difficult challenge.  When you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, and have no idea who much farther you have to walk, this alone can be very discouraging.

Back when Jonn was in cub scouts, right before he joined the Boy Scouts, a small group of us went on a fairly difficult hike.  Jonn must have been 11 or 12 years old at the time and I wanted him to be prepared for the tough Boy Scout hikes.

This was a hike which started at 6,000' and was only going up to slightly above 8,000’ to the San Antonio Ski hut.  Under normal conditions, this is a strenuous hike because of the starting altitude and the steep incline. Added to that was the fact that Jonn had to carry his own backpack AND hike through snow and ice. He had never done that hike before and while I had been to the Ski Hut once, it was only on a previous descent from the summit.

As the hike dragged on an on, Jonn began to ask “are we almost there yet Papa?” Having never ascended to the ski hut from this route, I could only tell Jonn that it was just around the corner.  And at each corner, I would look up to see if I could find the ski hut, and with each corner, Jonn would say “are we almost there yet Papa?”

It was a hard hike for Jonn but we eventually made it to the ski hut and it was a wonderful adventure and a great father-son bonding time.  The next morning however was one of the scariest moments in my life.  The trail was super icy and we did not have any cramp-ons. I was so afraid that we would slip and fall off the side of the mountain. My heart was racing with each step as we descended down the mountain right next to a 2000' cliff edge. With each step, I was asking God “are we almost there God?”  I was so relieved when we cleared the ice section.

The whole hike was a great adventure for Jonn and I and we always joked about the never ending switchbacks, turns and Jonn’s constant “are we there yet Papa”. But Jonn always agreed that the most difficult part was the “unknown”. Not knowing how much farther we had to go until we arrived at the Ski Hut. And I told him that my most difficult part was in not knowing how much farther we had until we could safely descend without the fear of slipping and falling.

In Boy Scouts, Jonn and I went on an overnight adventure where we were going to do a simple 10 mile hike with the troop.  The route was planned by the outing leaders and I had full trust in their planning.  The thing is, the next morning when we were getting ready for the 10 mile hike, one of the event leaders suggested going on a completely different hike, in a completely different section of the Mojave Desert.

Still having confidence in their skills and planning, we all drove to the new location without ever telling anyone while we were still in cell range, where our new hike was going to take us.  It was supposed to be a simple 10 mile hike, but…..

None of us had ever been on this hike and after the 10 mile mark and no signs of being close to the exit, one father and I decided that it was time to take matters into our own hand.  Bob and his son, Jonn and I all started on a brisk hike alternating with brief runs.  The entire hike was on a OHV road that had more sand than any beach I have been on.  It made walking, hiking and running difficult. 

We knew that we were close to sunset and had no idea how much farther we had until we could reach our vehicles.  We knew that once we got to our vehicles, we could make phone calls and tell people that we were going to be several hours late.  But both Bob and I knew that there were several young scouts who were going to be in serious pain.  Just like the San Antonio ski hut hike, with each corner in the canyon, Jonn and I both silently thought – are we almost there.

Jonn’s experience with the skit hut hike helped him get through the hike and we all made it back to the vehicles. Once we reached the cars, we began the notifications and the extraction.  It was pitch black when the rest of the troop reached the cars and it was only for the grace of God and a herd of Hummers who were able to forage over the giant boulders, up the canyon to where the remainder of the troop was.  All in all, the easy 10 mile hike turned into a difficult and strenuous 17 mile hike.

The unknown is so hard to face but it is even more difficult when you are emotionally and physically exhausted. You are drained and want to quit and with each turn you hope that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But with each turn and continued darkness, the mind and spirit grow weary. 

How much longer do we have to endure the Valley of the Shadow of Death? Many people tell us that the deep pain lasts 2 years with the second year often times being harder than the first.  Is it possible to endure that length of time?  Obviously we are not the first to deal with this. Death has been on this earth ever since Adam and Eve.  And of course, our experience with death pales in comparison to others.

Lori and her kids in my opinion have a much harder grief to deal with.  Remember how her husband died in her house after suffering from a long bought of cancer. And then a week later, her father who was living in the upper Midwest died unexpectedly. And slightly over a month later, her sister dies.  I cannot imagine their grief of suffering three delayed blows in less than 45 days.

I remember the catastrophe of 2005 when Jimmy Wallet (husband/father) and his daughter Jasmine Wallet left their house to get some ice cream for the family. His wife Michelle and three

daughters; Hannah (age 10), Raven (age 6), and Paloma (age 2) stayed at home. In an instant, Jimmy and Jasmine’s life was changed forever.   Without any warning, the mountain behind their house let loose a wall of mud which buried their home. There were no survivors and the Wallet family suffered the greatest loss of all in the La Conchita mud slide. I cannot begin to imagine their pain and can only compare our loss as minimal to theirs. Another link for the Wallet story

We trust that God will deliver us, but we are tired and are growing weak.  It is difficult to hold on to the promise of future joy when we are hurting and tired, but I know without a doubt that just like my long trips away from home where I know I will return and see my family, we will see Jonn again.  And it is that thought and knowing God’s promises are true which lifts me up and carries me forward every time I am feeling helpless.

I share this promise of seeing Jonn again with Ana, and through the support, prayers and comfort which come through the letters, phone calls and personal visits at our home, Ana is restored for the moment and lifted up to give her strength to get through the next day or next week.

We hold on to each other and offer support to Paul, Kristy, Michelle and Robyn. They all need encouragement and support which is what makes me more upset over this family issue. Where are they? Why have they abandoned the rest of our family?  Where is the loyalty that was supposed to be there? Where is the family love? I ask this not for my sake, because I no longer have respect for those who have abandoned the family. I ask this because Ana is distraught over how this has turned out, and as a grieving mother, she should not have to be dealing with this. And the same goes for the rest, Paul, Kristy, Michelle and Robyn.  What did any of them do to be ignored by family?

The sunburn however is subsiding. Things that were said shortly after Jonn’s death have no affect on me now.  The stinging comments and the insensitive actions are nothing more than passing conversations. The once inflicted searing pain is gone and there is no longer a need to avoid people as we once did. Do not get me wrong though because we are still sensitive to certain environments and there are still many places where we just do not visit.  We are healing, but we are not healed. Far from it.

In some cases, such as the family issue, I have lost hope that there will be any reconciliation. There are too many hearts hardened towards us and this is proven by the comments like “Ana, when are you going to come back to the family?”  In other cases, we just do not know what will happen.  There is no bitterness in these cases, but there is no desire to try to go back to where we were when Jonn was alive. We feel very comfortable with the new people who have walked into our lives, and we do not want to turn our backs to those who have shown genuine care and support by returning to those who were emotionally absent when we needed them.

This is the new normal for us, and we are adjusting to what this new normal is.  We do not want to upset the balance as we know it. We simply want to get by without opening up the wounds. It is like going back out into the sun while you still have a sun burn.  The skin is still overly sensitive and because of this fact, we are going to remain in the shade.

March 23^rd, the 6 month anniversary of Jonn’s death –


A Father's Story - page 26