November 4, 2011
The next morning starts off as all other mornings of recent. I get up before Ana to start working on things. This day is going to be very rough. We have to drive all the way over to the funeral home to sign the contract. Afterwards, we are going to stop by the church to look at everything, to include the youth room.
As I write this, I am remembering things from the day before (Tuesday). I spoke with the church to discuss the reception following the service. I also spoke with Nancy, Ana’s sister. She was doing a great job working with a caterer, but was not working with the church because she did not know anyone at the church. I was able to get the two, Nancy and church workers, connected to ensure that nothing was being double tagged, or forgotten. The church has a group of women who oversees the receptions and it was good that Nancy and them were talking.
Michelle and Leah, two wonderful women who work with the youth at church were organizing the ushers (youth ushers) for Jonn’s funeral and this would prove to be very powerful for everyone. The way that Jonn’s funeral service was coming together was absolutely wonderful.
Ana was wondering if many people would show up simply because of the two In-N-Out events and the number of kids that were there. I assured her that his friends would come. I told her that we would have around 800 people attending Jonn’s funeral.
I was also working late Tuesday night to get the service bulletin completed and sent in to the church office. There were some significant changes from the original order of worship. One big change was to use more modern Christian songs, and to include an Epistle reading so that Ana’s two brothers could read the Old Testament and Epistle readings.
Remembering now additional events at the Tuesday night In-N-Out gathering, the parents of Jonn’s former girlfriend were volunteering to enlarge a couple of pictures and drawings, and to make memorial books. Alan, the husband, owns an advertising agency for the movie industry and he wanted to help us out. When you look back and see how much was done by so many people, it is mind boggling. We are so blessed to have had so many people come and simply volunteer their services just because of their love for Jonn. Susan and Alan went far beyond what any couple could ever do. We are forever in their debt.
I will eventually re-organize the flow of this writing so that the Tuesday events above are on page 5.
Everything is moving along, and we make our way to the funeral home. This is absolutely terrible. No parent should ever have to do this. As we walk into the front door, Ana and I feel our life draining from us. Because the physical autopsy was completed on Monday, Jonn had been transported from the coroner’s office, to the funeral home. He is at this same location now, but we cannot see him. I cannot explain how we felt. I do remember saying that being there and signing all of the papers reminded me of being at a car dealership signing your life away for an expensive car with monthly payments. You know, that sickening feeling of signing an agreement which you really hate doing. It’s odd because Matt, the son of the funeral home owner, said that most people say the same thing. It is not a pleasant experience at all.
We had previously spoken with the Colonel and it was agreed that since we could have an open casket, Jonn would be given his AF-ROTC uniform and the Colonel had already dropped it off at the funeral home. One more thing to cause Ana and I to cry. We saw the uniform and broke down.
The final item to discuss was the post funeral service arrangements. Jonn loved New York City a lot. He wanted to live there someday. He also wanted to be in the Air Force Academy. Well, there will be a time when we can spread a few of Jonn’s ashes near the Brooklyn Bridge and at the grounds of the USAF Academy. The rest of his ashes will remain at home. But in order to do this, we have to plan Jonn’s cremation and set the date to do this. Ana does not want Jonn to go to an assembly line facility and asks for it to be a witnessed cremation.
There are things associated with a funeral which are more painful than others. Going to watch your child be cremated is the worst. Ana wants to do it because she wants to make sure that Jonn is not switched accidentally with someone else, and also to make sure that it is done with clean equipment. Where she is getting the strength to come up with his is beyond me, but I support her wishes and we set the date for the cremation. After that is completed, we leave the funeral home crying again. Crying is a given at all times these days. Remember, I am the father and am entitled to cry for my son.
We leave the funeral home and head home. It is quiet. It is a very very painful day because of what we just finished. We make a quick run over to the church and look around. There was some confusion over how to set things up but all worked out. The church never used a private viewing room before and there were concerns about having the catered food outside during the peak of the day’s heat.
The youth room doors were wide enough to bring the casket into for the private room viewing. I did not want the casket brought into the church before the service started and have people filing in and out of the church. Our church is not that big as it is, and I wanted a special ceremony for Jonn. The youth room would be perfect for the viewing and then Jonn would be escorted into the Sanctuary by the men from his family – Paul - brother, Luis - brother-in-law, Jeffrey - brother-in-law, Gustavo - uncle, Efren - uncle (Pepe) and Mr. Moreno – grandfather.
It was decided that the viewing would start around 1p and the service would start at 2p. I requested that a private family viewing be set aside prior to the public viewing. I also requested that a private Holy Communion service be provided for family only. Private family/family only meant blood relatives only reaching out as far as Aunts and Uncles and a few cousins only. Nobody else!
We check with Nancy to see how the catering is going and the way in which everything will be arranged. There will be a meeting on Thursday late afternoon for all involved with the funeral. Ana and I will not be there, but Nancy will. Nancy is outstanding and she is showing a level of love for our family which I have never seen before. I am so grateful for what she is doing.
We head home and my mom and Ron (step father) are in town now. They are going to meet us at the house. My sister will show up the next day. When we get home, the house is filled with activity. Yasamin, Sarah, Javier, Michelle (friend), Nancy (Michelle’s sister) are at the house. Kristy, Michelle and her kids are there too (Of course Michelle and her kids are there, God had planned for them to be living with us now. What a wonderful opportunity for us to come together and grieve).
At the house, the video montage is being finalized, the ribbons are being made, we are eating more food which Javier’s mom prepared. It is real nice to have my mom and Ron at our house. They drove in from Phoenix, Az. My brother was also at the house. It was very thoughtful of him to come all the way down from Seattle. Robert had actually lived at our house for a while and got to know Jonn and Robyn very well. Having Robert here is good. Unfortunately things are so hectic and I am unable to dedicate time just to visit. I still have to finish the sermon.
Everyone stays late, the house goes quiet as everyone who lives here goes to sleep, but I stay up still working. I am finding that my serious crying time is mostly in the late hours at night and the early hours in the morning. I am running on about 4-5 hrs of sleep.
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Thursday morning
We are continuing with the planning, but most of what we do is just keep on crying over Jonn’s passing. Today however is going to be one of my first serious challenges and proves to be the first day that I lose my sanity.
We need new clothes for the funeral. I need a new suit, Ana and Robyn need new dresses. This means going to the mall, the public, into the world of noise, happiness, loud music……
Say whatever you want, I am not the skinny bicycle racer who rode from Los Angeles to Boston. I am big now. I take up enough real estate for nearly 2 people. I have temporarily graduated into the size 50 for a suit. And the stores in the mall did not have that size. I started off with Macy’s. First, they only had 48, and the pie hole salesman felt that since I was the only one there, he did not need to offer any assistance.
As I walk through the mall, I look at the smiling faces and want to yell at them: “Why are you so happy…Don’t you understand that our son Jonn has died? What is wrong with you” But of course I contain myself, keep my mouth shut and move on to the next store.
Nothing…so then I realize that I must take drastic measures. Big and Tall. They are a block or two away. I leave Ana, Robyn, Michelle and the girls alone at the mall as I head over to Big and Tall. When I walk into the store, there are about 10 customers and I only see one clerk. I try self service first, but I cannot concentrate. It is funny how moving up to size 50 has really pushed me over the edge, but then again, I am not working under normal conditions. Getting pretty upset with what I cannot find, I approach the clerk and ask if there are any other sales clerks. She says that she is all alone and that the next clerk comes back in 30 minutes. I tell her that I need to find a black suit as my son had just passed away and his funeral is in 2 days. Instantly this nice little girl turned into Hellen Keller. It seemed as if She could not speak or hear me. She stood motionless as well. I turned and walked out of the store, feeling my anger rising.
I knew of another store but it was about 5 miles away. It was a 5 mile drive filled with rage. I do everything I can to contain my anger but inside the truck I am yelling at people. Screaming at them. I am about to explode. A movie which I saw back in 1993 comes to mind. I feel like I am the character in the movie. It is called Falling Down with Michael Douglas. I pull up to the other store and get out of the truck without any hesitation. I walk to the front doors, open them up without any effort and as I walk in the store, I quickly scan and see how many people are in there. I do not see anyone but hear a woman’s voice say:
“Can I help you.”
I looked in the direction of where the voice came from and see the lady. I begin to speak:
I need to warn you that I am in a very bad mood. I have been all over the place trying to find a suit and nobody has a black suit my size. I need a suit right away because my son just….. and I lose it. I feel all of the stress, fatigue and grief just rush out from me. I have been trying so hard to be strong in front of my family and I cannot hold it in any longer. This is real hard crying, which I have not done since Saturday morning.
The woman approaches me with a soft comforting voice and a tender touch. She tells me how sorry she is for me and offers to do whatever she can. And then as if a l light had just been turned on, she said:
“Did your son go to West Ranch”?
Yes. He graduated earlier this year (while still crying but not as bad now, it was a sudden burst of a cry which is leaving as fast as it came).
“My daughter sat next to your son in math class. My daughter is so torn over Jonn’s death.”
She knew his name without my saying it. She begins crying with me and I feel so relieved now. That anger, the explosive rage has been released. After a short time of crying, I compose myself and the lady is so helpful and friendly. They have a bunch of size 50’s, but nothing in black. As I leave the store, she extends her condolences once more and I walk out feeling a hundred times better than before. I feel as if I have been renewed and can continue once again.
I go back to the mall and eventually find a black suit. I feel all of the stress leave and know that everything will be fine, as fine can be under the circumstances. As I walk to find Ana, I am reminded by all of the happy faces at the mall that Jonn’s death did not stop the entire world, it merely stopped ours. We leave the mall and I take with me, a feeling of hating that place and never wanting to return to the mall ever again. But I have learned not to say never and this comes back to bite me in the weeks to come.
So we head home, with a quick stop at our cleaners for a fast alteration to the pants. They are too long. They assure me that they will be ready by the next day, Friday.
When we get home, my mom, Ron and my sister show up. Glenda was originally going to visit our mom in Phoenix, but because of Jonn’s death, she changed her flight from Florida and flew in to Los Angeles. They will all stay until Sunday. My brother Robert shows up also.
At the house, it is the same thing as all other nights: more food from Javier’s mom which is outstanding. She is so loving and helpful. More people come to our house. This time it is Ryan Ross and his mother. Ryan is one of Jonn’s best friends and is going to college in Boston Massachusetts. He flew in late Wednesday for Jonn’s funeral. The Ross’s are a very nice family and Ryan’s mom spends a lot of time with Ana at our house.
At one point we must have had nearly 30 people at our house, or so it seemed. There was a lot of activity and I feel bad that I cannot spend a lot of private time with my mom, Ron, Glenda and Robert. Eventually everyone leaves and Robert says good bye. He flies out the next morning, back to Seattle. I thank him for coming. It meant a lot.
I spoke with Jason, a cousin of mine who now lives in Portland, Or. He says that he is coming for the funeral. I offer him a place to stay and apologize in advance that I cannot give him the attention that I would normally afford a family visitor. He says not to worry and that he will be staying at a friends place.
The night is late and I stay up long after everyone else goes to sleep. There is still a lot to do. Tomorrow, Friday is going to be a very tough day. A very very tough day.
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Friday
Colonel Corley has been wonderful with our family. He has been so supportive and was able to get Jonn’s uniform, among many other things. We have arranged for a meeting with Detachment 040 at Loyola Marymount University. We are planning on having a family only gathering. No friends, with one exception. Joe and Elaine, who now live outside of Temecula, have been long time very close Christian friends. We met them at our old old church after the 1994 earthquake. I had asked them if they could come a day early to spend some private time with us.
We all arrange to meet at the McDonald’s just below the university. I did not think about how this will affect Paul, Kristy or Michelle since a week before, they all drove to the same area to see Jonn at the Hospital. Michelle tells me later that the drive is a terrible reminder for her. My heart aches after hearing that. I feel so bad for her.
The time has come, and we make the 3 minute drive up to the campus. When we arrive, we are greeted by the Colonel and his staff. We are escorted up from the underground parking area, into the main building and then walk outside. After a couple of “stand by” vehicles are readied, and a golf cart for my mom and Ron, we all begin the walk. We take the exact same route that Jonn had taken a week before. We walk off the campus, and on to the abandoned paved road where the cadets would walk until they reach the starting point of their run.
For some reason, a nurse at the hospital told someone that she knew where Jonn had collapsed and said that it was on a bluff, on a running trail which was very difficult to find and get a vehicle on. The road that we walked on was easy to find, and was fully paved. Unlike the imagined sandy single track trail that we were all thinking of.
Present with us is our immediate family: Ana, Robyn and myself, Paul and Susie, Kristy and Jeffrey, Michelle and her entire family. Also present was Nancy and her two kids, and Ana’s brother Pepe.
We walk with Ana and I in the front. Colonel Corley and his Wife Robin walk with us. They are both Christians and are both very very kind and loving people. I am touched that the Colonel’s wife is with us. Her presence is very moving.
We get to the point where the cadets would begin their run. Ana and I cry, knowing that this is the beginning of Jonn’s last steps here on earth.
Each step is hard to take, and as we get closer, our pace picks up. I can feel what is happening behind us. They are giving Ana and I distance, allowing us as parents to be alone.
We know that we are getting closer but do not know where the final steps were taken. We cannot see anyone ahead of us yet. Ana and I pick up our pace and then we see them. We see the cadets standing with my mom and Ron. Our crying gets louder as we approach the place where Jonn passed away.
We arrive, and ask the cadets where Jonn was. They show us and describe how he was lying and where his head was in comparison to his feet (his orientation on the ground). Ana kneels down to where Jonn’s head was and she is crying real hard. The rest of the family makes their way to where we are and we are all crying.
After a brief period of time, we are all gathered around the cadets who give us a step by step of what happened. We are learning a lot of new information, but the most important thing we learn is that Jonn never once seemed to be in pain or afraid.
They said that he was upset because he was feeling dizzy again and how much he wanted to finish the course. They told us that after Jonn sat down, his last words were Oh God, and then he collapsed.
We listened intently as they described the 911 phone call, how they were giving rescue breathing, how he had a pulse, how at one point it seemed as if Jonn might come to, but then he slipped away. They told us how they could hear the sirens going all over the place but that it took the paramedics 16 minutes to arrive. They told us that just before the paramedics arrived, the 911 operator told them to perform CPR and how the cadets told the 911 operator that Jonn still had a faint pulse. The 911 operator insisted that they perform CPR, and that followed her instructions. When the paramedics arrived, they hooked up the EKG machine and Jonn was flat lined.
We asked detailed questions just to ensure that we understood what they said. All of the cadets were very polite, sincere, empathetic, and professional. We all stood around crying and then came the moment when the flowers were to be placed where Jonn left earth and went up to heaven. There was a lot of crying.
We slowly gathered ourselves and began our journey back to the campus. It was a long walk back, but did not seem nearly as long as the walk in, to where Jonn had died. I spoke with several of the cadets as we walked out. They all talked about how impressed they were with Jonn and how he had a natural leadership about him. They also said that Jonn was able to keep everyone happy and his ability to encourage everyone.
I learned about some of the cadets and their background. It was nice getting to learn about the men and women who Jonn spent his last day with. Jonn really loved the ROTC. At one point, I asked a cadet if they could get me the exact distance from where Jonn started running, to where he stopped. Using GPS readings, they measured 1/25 miles.
As we approached the main building, Colonel Corley showed us the flag pole which was used to fly the flag in Jonn’s honor on Monday September 26th, 2011. We were then given a tour of where the cadets perform their drills and training and then taken up to the 3rd floor where the ROTC unit offices are located.
We spent a considerable amount of time there. The offices and hallways were filled with cadets. Many of whom expressed their condolences to us. We had a chance to meet many of Jonn’s flight cadets, the ones that Jonn was closely associated with. Colonel Corley presented the flag to us. This is the flag which was flown over the campus of LMU, in Jonn’s honor. It was neatly folded, beautifully encased with a very nice placard on it.
The Colonel also presented us with many other artifacts, to include pictures that were taken on September 23rd, 2011. The last picture ever taken of Jonn was taken just 1 hour before he passed away (I did not realize this until weeks later).
We spent some time talking with the other cadets and then took the opportunity to meet with the Chaplain’s group. There they told us how Jonn would always show up 15 minutes early. One cadet said that she was only there because Jonn encouraged her to be there.
We left the ROTC detachment with a greater appreciation for what Jonn was involved in. It was very helpful to hear this and I saw how much it opened and touched the hearts of all family members, especially Paul. We all left with a feeling of awe with how Jonn touched the lives of the ROTC Detachment. We are learning so much about our son.
Colonel Corley and his wife were so kind and supportive. I saw the Colonel’s wife cry several times throughout the afternoon and early evening. They are people whom I would like to be friends with. Very nice.
We begin to leave the ROTC detachment and begin to say our good-byes to one another. We are going to meet up with Haley, Jonn’s former girlfriend whose parents are going to all measures to help with Jonn’s funeral service. Haley attends LMU and lives on campus. I offer to take her to wherever she wants to eat. No limits at all. We end up staying on campus and eat at the Diner. It was the last place where Jonn and Haley ate together. It is nothing fancy as I want to show how much we appreciate what her family is doing, but it has a special meaning to her. Paul and Susie, Joe and Elaine (we are their transportation so they are stuck with us), Ana, Robyn and myself eat with Haley. Everyone else goes home.
At the Diner, there are 4 ROTC Cadets. We talk with them and while they were not in Jonn’s flight, they knew him and expressed their condolences. We finish up the dinner and go our separate ways. It was very meaningful to have Joe and Elaine with us. We really needed their support. Elaine and I are like brother and sister. She is my solace for this moment.
We get home, tired, sad, crying, and fall asleep. The next morning will be a day for all to remember. It will be the day that we have Jonn’s funeral. I stay up late however putting on the final touches of the sermon. People wonder why I am doing this. There is a reason……..!
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Page 8
November 5th, 2011
Jonn’s Funeral
Your wedding day, your first day at a new job, your first day at college or a child’s Christmas morning, these are events which make it difficult to sleep the night before, and mornings which bring about excitement and anxiety. For us, the night before was an evening of dread and not wanting to go to sleep because waking up means facing Saturday morning.
The reality of waking up on Saturday was in my opinion worse than receiving the news about Jonn. I hated taking a shower and getting dressed. The house was filled with silent movements of 8 people getting ready for Jonn’s funeral.
Friends of ours from church offered to pick us up and take us to the church. It was a nice gesture, but an offer which we quickly declined. We always drove ourselves to church, and we would do it this Saturday as well. It was a very quiet and solemn drive. It was just Ana, Robyn and me in the truck. We needed this very private moment to our selves.
52 miles door to door and not one single person on the freeway acknowledging our pain. The world has stopped and people are mulling about as if nothing has happened. We would always listen to National Propaganda radio (NPR) on our way to church, but we no longer drive with the radio on. For that matter, we do not turn on the TV either. The radio and TV stations are so insensitive to our grief and we do not care to hear their broadcasts. 52 miles, this seemed like an eternity to us.
We arrive at the church and pull in to the parking lot. They have reserved parking for the family cars in the front but I take our usual parking space in the far back. As we pull in, people are noticing our arrival. I get out of the truck and open the rear door to grab my suit coat and people begin to approach us. This is the beginning of the end. We exchange pleasantries, accept their condolences, and then as we make our way to the back of the church, Robyn tugs very hard on my arm.
Our arrival occurred just minutes before the hearse arrived. We are standing in the parking lot as it makes its way to the back of the church. This is where Jonn’s casket will be unloaded and moved into the youth room for the open casket viewing. There is a very small group of people standing around us, and some are family. I am sure that my mom and Ron are there, and possibly my cousin Mary Kay. My good friend Scott and his wife Annette are already there and it is only 12:15pm.
Ana, Robyn and I stand at the back of the hearse as they prepare for Jonn’s relocation. Robyn is crying a lot at this moment, and when the hearse is opened and we see Jonn’s casket, we all cry. There is no way I could ever explain how we were feeling at that moment, let alone the entire day. There is nothing in our vocabulary that can be used to describe our hearts and minds.
It takes a few minutes to remove the casket and then an additional 10-15 minutes to get Jonn situated in the youth room.
It takes a few minutes to remove the casket and then an additional 10-15 minutes to get Jonn situated in the youth room.
Before they bring Jonn in, I look inside the room and do not see the flowers which we ordered. They were expensive flowers from a shop located near Jonn’s school. The owners son was a good friend of Jonn's from school and I was surprised at how much she charged us. We did not see the florist, but we learn that they did deliver the flowers. Matt, from the funeral home would take care of the setup. It’s all part of his “package deal”.
While we are waiting for Jonn and the youth room to be readied, I take Ana and the family over to the Martin Luther room to wait. Once they are in the room, it is time for me to make sure that everything is alright. Whenever I preach, no matter how many times I read a sermon at home, I will always read the sermon from the pulpit at least 3 times. It is important for me to ensure that the delivery is correct without my having to look down at the sermon. I tell Ana that I need to go and prepare for the service.
As I walk out of the Martin Luther Room and begin to head over to the Sanctuary, I am approached by people from every direction who want to extend their condolences. I think to myself that this is not the time for me to be seen and as I hug someone, I notice a group of people forming around me. I do not want this to happen. I need to make sure that everything is in order for the service and to practice my sermon. How can I be polite and yet tell everyone to pretend that they do not see me? I want so badly to cry and I know that more people would come running. I need to keep moving.
I eventually make my way into the Sanctuary and notice the sizable number of floral arrangements which came from friends, coworkers and family. There was no need for us to order the expensive arrangement, but what can I do? It is too late to cancel what has already been delivered.
I eventually make my way into the Sanctuary and notice the sizable number of floral arrangements which came from friends, coworkers and family. There was no need for us to order the expensive arrangement, but what can I do? It is too late to cancel what has already been delivered.
Early into the week prior to Jonn’s funeral, I was being asked if we had a memorial fund established. I was so overwhelmed that I could not think about that issue. I did not know what to do and Ana was in no shape at the beginning to discuss this. It would have to wait. As the week matured, my mother also suggested setting up a memorial fund or scholarship fund.
Colonel Corley of the AF ROTC Detachment had already established a Scholarship fund in Jonn’s name and I was waiting to see if outside people (civilians) could contribute to this scholarship. When I finally got the word that outside contributors were not permitted, Ana and I decided to establish a scholarship fund through our church. Unfortunately it was too late to tell people where to send any financial contributions in lieu of flowers.
We already had received a ton of flowers at our house, and now there were dozens and dozens of arrangements at the church. The flowers that Ana and I ordered were unnecessary to say the least.
After my shock and amazement at the number of floral arrangements both inside and outside the church, I was even more shocked to see people sitting in the Sanctuary 45 minutes before the viewing would start, or 1 hour 45 minutes before the funeral service would start. I immediately think to myself that I cannot practice my sermon in front of all of these people. As I walk in, I greet the people whom I immediately recognize. Some faces are familiar looking, but remember, I am very bad with faces, which comes to fruition in a while.
I quickly get my sermon folder positioned up on the pulpit and then begin to check in with the Pastor, who says that he and I need to spend 5-10 minutes together going over the order of worship. I meet up with Matt, our friend, who has coordinated a lot of activity to include the music. I greet more people and finally recognize the familiar face. It is Ana’s cousin Lalo from Mexico. We had just seen him a couple of months ago and he came to our house for dinner while he was in town. I take Lalo over to where Ana and the family are located. I quickly run back to the front of the church and see Paul and his family, Kristy and her family, Mr. and Mrs Moreno, and more. More relatives from Mexico arrive, and I make sure that everyone goes to the room where Ana is.
Everywhere I go, I am stopped and I feel that time is slowly fading away. I do everything in my power to breakaway so that I can talk with the pastor. He informs me that a couple of changes were made in the order of worship, and that the Eulogies are coming at a different time. We go over everything and then go our separate ways for the time being. As I walk back out into the courtyard, I recognize a very good friend of mine. It is Robert who had just retired from the Army. He flew all the way from Maryland just for Jonn’s funeral service. I immediately feel bad that he traveled so far and that I will not be able to give him the proper time and respect. I am extremely grateful that he came, and I have no idea how to repay him for his love and friendship.
Rob had been assigned to work with me in 2002-2003 and had come to know my family. he had been over to our house for dinner several times and Rob even volunteered to help us move into the house we live in now. Jonn was always asking about Rob and where he was or what he was doing.
There are two guys I used to work with whom I hold in high esteem. Scott from Orange County is one, and Rob is the other. Scott came along just after Rob was reassigned so they never met. I introduced each other in the court yard, but I wish that it was under better circumstances and that I could have been able to spend a lot of time with them.
There are two guys I used to work with whom I hold in high esteem. Scott from Orange County is one, and Rob is the other. Scott came along just after Rob was reassigned so they never met. I introduced each other in the court yard, but I wish that it was under better circumstances and that I could have been able to spend a lot of time with them.
After a brief conversation, I start heading to the Martin Luther room when I see my cousin from Oregon. I am very happy to see Jason and I bring him with me to the Martin Luther room to be with the rest of the family.
It's time now for the private family viewing. First the immediate family goes in and then extended family will go in afterwards. We are searching all over for Paul and his family, while waiting outside the youth room. After a long search, we find that Paul has been in the youth room for nearly 10 minutes. The rest of us enter the room and begin spending our last moments with Jonn. It is just Ana, Paul-family, Kristy-family, Michelle-family, Robyn and myself. Parents and siblings only for the first 5 minutes. When I saw Jonn, I became very upset at how much make-up they had used. He did not look the same, but we are happy that we were able to see him at the hospital because on that day, a week ago, he looked perfect.
After we spend a few moments with Jonn, I go out and bring in the rest of the family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. We spend our last moments with Jonn before we open the doors to the guests. There is a lot of crying, a lot of good bye being said to Jonn's remains, and then the time comes for the family to go back into the Martin Luther Room for quiet time, meditation time and prayer time.
I have to leave everyone once again to ensure that everything is set. I am running out of time and need to rush, and as before, I am stopped with every step I take. People coming from everywhere to extend their condolences. I cannot be seen. How can I move around without being seen? I need to get with the singers to make sure the songs are in good order. We sing one song several times to ensure that the phrasing is correct. I then go to find the second set of pallbearers, Jonn's friends and the boutonnieres.
Time is dwindling down and I want to make sure that the uniformed guests know what they need to do, the AF-ROTC cadets know what they need to do, and I want to see how the overflow rooms look.
It is now time for the private Holy Communion. This is the only Holy Communion for this day, which is for family members only (blood relatives). I enter into the Martin Luther Room and see that pastor is already there. Everyone from our family is present and the pastor begins the short service of Holy Communion. After he consecrates the bread and wine, we are all given the Lord’s Supper.
We finish Holy Communion and the pastor leaves. I take this moment to show Ana how many people have arrived in order to alleviate her fears of nobody showing up. The final count will be over 800 attendees.
The time has come for the funeral service to start. Jonn is moved from the Youth room and placed back into the hearse. The hearse is then driven up to the front of the church where the AF-ROTC Honor Guard awaits.
Jonn’s casket is removed from the hearse and place on a “truck”. A wheeled cart design specifically for moving caskets. The cadets take their position and escort Jonn into the Sanctuary where the family pallbearers are ready to receive Jonn.
Pastor is in front of Jonn while Ana and I stand together with Kristy, Michelle and Robyn just behind us. The rest of the family is already seated, with one exception; one of my cousins from New York.
Colleen had a huge influence in Jonn’s life. She had spent time with both Robyn and Jonn and even got them the opportunity to work behind the scenes at a couple of WARP tour concerts. I feel very bad that Colleen was not allowed to sit with family.
The service begins and we all move slowly to the front of the church. I have asked Glendale Assistant Fire Chief Robert Doyle, former scout master of Jonn’s former Boy Scout Troop 3:16, and prior Marine to lead the calling of colors.
Chief Doyle addresses the congregation and talks about Jonn’s desire to serve the country in the Air Force, Jonn’s desire to wear a uniform, and his desire to defend the flag. Chief Doyle tells the congregation that he will call all attendees in uniform to attention, and then ask those not in uniform to stand. At that point, Chief Doyle will call the AF ROTC Honor guard to present the Colors (the US Flag). This is a paramilitary honor which is being bestowed to Jonn. A very serious and honorable tribute.
Once the Colors have been presented, the Honor guard is dismissed and the order of Worship begins with the pastors Invocation and opening prayer. The order of service begins, and Gustavo and Pepe read the OT and Epistle lessons.
During our private meeting when pastor and I discussed the order of service, he had asked me who was going to read my sermon if I could not get through it….
We were singing the first sermon song and I was preparing myself to preach a sermon that I never thought I would ever have to do.
Whenever I preach, I follow what I was taught and that is to kneel at the communion rail and pray to God. Prior to my sermon, I went to the rail and prayed a prayer that I have never prayed to God before. I usually ask God to help me deliver His message and to use me as a conduit to touch the hearts and minds of the listeners. This time, when I prayed, I gave all glory to God first, I then confessed that I was not worthy to be his messenger, but that I gave Him thanks for allowing me to preach this day, at Jonn’s funeral service. I then asked God for his mercy that I might be able to deliver the sermon without a tear. I asked God to give me the strength to deliver a Gospel laden sermon, and to be able to show how He had used our son to touch the lives of everyone he met. I prayed longer than I have ever prayed, begging God for his mercy and to keep me from crying during the sermon. I told God that I wanted all Glory to be given to Him.
After my prayer, while the congregation was still signing, I made my way up to the pulpit and silently prayed again.
The song concluded and it was time for me to deliver the sermon for my own son’s funeral. I prayed again, and trusting in God, I took a deep breath, held it for a long pause, slowly let it out and said:
The text which I have chosen for this sermon come from:
Matthew 13:23 But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”
I recently preached on this passage but after this past week, I have a greater understanding of what it means……..
Unfortunately, I have to spend a lot of time taking quick looks down at the sermon. I did not want to mess anything up and wanted to ensure that I said everything that I had written down.
Many people have have said that I delivered a nice eulogy, but a eulogy is to talk about a person. You know, giving the person all credit and recognition for what they did throughout their life. What I delivered was not a eulogy, it was a full fledged sermon, giving all Glory to God for what He did through our son Jonn.
It was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, and I felt truly blessed by God to be able to do that. I was also devastated that I had to do that because no father should ever have to see his own son’s funeral.
I give all thanks and praise to God for keeping me strong during the sermon, and I give all thanks and praise to God every time I break down and cry for Jonn because I know that He will always be there with me and will always pick me up when I am too weak to stand on my own.
Kristy gave a beautiful eulogy and I am hoping that it will soon be posted to this blog.
I was so happy that Dillon, one of Jonn’s friends was able to accompany the music with his violin. We played modern songs and his violin added an extra level of beauty that matched wonderfully with Matt’s guitar and Vernon’s piano.
The service concluded with a recession with pastor leading us out, Jonn’s friends as pallbearers with Paul, his brother leading them out. Paul was the only one who was a pallbearer coming in and leaving. Ana, and I and the rest of the family followed and left the church to watch the Honor guard escort Jonn from the back of the church, to the hearse.
I did not cry during my sermon, but I cried during portions of the service and definitely cried as we walked out of the church and watched Jonn being loaded into the hearse and driven away. It was such a painful departure, and something that I could never be able to explain to anyone who has not lost a child.
This was a very deeply emotional time and the day is not over....we were running on autopilot and being forced to be strong in front of everyone.....
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November 6, 2011
After the hearse pulls away, we turned around and saw that about 75 were outside watching our last moments with Jonn.
Pastor had told everyone that because of the large number of attendees, the reception would follow immediately. After everyone gets their food, Ana and I would make our way around to greet everyone.
Many people stayed inside the church and the other buildings to see the replay of the video montage that Kristy and Yasamin worked on. Rodger, one of Jonn’s friends from WRTV also did his own separate video which was shown as well. Both videos were also played during the viewing, before the Service. They were both excellent and very touching videos.
When I saw the group of people standing outside, in front of the church, they all started coming to greet us. This is the last time I see Ana for a long while.
When Ana and I got married, our reception got off to a late start. Our caterer was late, so dinner was late as well. Everyone was filling up on the hard drinks and were feeling very good once the food came. Not sure why we did this, but Ana went one direction, and I went the other. We were working the crowd apart from each other. In retrospect, it seems as if all of our parties end up like that where Ana and I are separated and we have to fend for ourselves.
All I remember was a line of people from my work, the AF ROTC cadets, and friends all waiting to talk to me. I see Ana walking off to the side of the church with other people and we end up doing what always happens. I spend about 10 minutes in front of the church talking with people while trying to get everyone off to the side where the food is. We catered for 800 people, please go and eat. I beg all of you to EAT!
Many of the guests express their condolences and then say that they have to leave. They all express their concern and love for our family and offer to help with whatever we need.
Finally, I am able to get everyone from the front of the church to move to the side where the reception is being held. I can only take about 20 steps when I am stopped. I want to be with Ana, but I cannot be rude to people. As I talk, more people come around and quickly a line forms. I am still by myself and I can see Ana off to my left, in the same situation that I was in. For some reason, Ana and I always become separated.
I talk with many people whom we have not seen for a while, or people who have traveled a very long distance. I make slow steps forward and then see the lady who insisted that she was “family”. As she is sitting down, I bend over and give her a hug and thank her and her son for coming to Jonn’s funeral. The fact that she came is very nice and touching and I leave it at that.
A week or two later, I learn that all of my immediate family plus my mother-in-law and father-in-law were very upset with what she and her son did. Because of this, I am very comfortable including this in the story. After all, this is A Father’s Story of our son’s life, death and funeral and not a deliberate attack on any family member. Anyone’s thoughts to the contrary need to be rethought and then discarded.
There are people who are talking in front of the microphone, telling stories about Jonn. Most of them I cannot hear because I am talking with lines of people. There comes a point when I can take a break and hide. I go to the far side of the old building, where only a small number of people can see me. I need family with me just for a moment but I find myself all alone. It is overwhelming to say the least.
I manage to compose myself and continue making the rounds, thanking people for coming and telling me their own personal stories about Jonn. And then I hear my name being called. At long last, Ana and I are reunited and we both sit down at a table. I had not eaten a thing all morning and afternoon. It is probably around 5:00pm now and it feels good to be able to sit.
It does not last long because it seems that nobody is coming to the microphone anymore. So I go up to the microphone and thank everyone for coming to Jonn’s funeral service. I tell everyone how much our family appreciates their love and kind words. I then tell them to eat more food. And then I encourage more people to talk.
So my estimate of how many people would come to Jonn’s funeral was very accurate, but my figure on how many people would stay and eat was far off. Off by a couple hundred. We had too much food and I did not want the food to go to waste. We had plenty at home from the food that friends brought over.
We eventually have so much food left over that we send a good majority of it to the homeless shelter, through the church.
I take this moment to grab something to eat and drink.
The Boy Scout troop from our church did an outstanding job at cleaning up. Leah and Michelle deserve golden angel wings for their oversight of the youth ushers and of course the youth ushers themselves deserve massive recognition for all that they did.
The enlarged pictures, framed pictures, the enlarged caricature of Jonn for people to sign, and the cadet bulletins made Jonn’s funeral beautiful. The Lobel’s, parents of Jonn’s former girl friend, who own the advertising agency are our hero’s for all that they did for our family. They added class and beauty to Jonn’s funeral.
Darkness is falling and my friend Scott and his wife Annette bid farewell. They stayed for a good 6-7 hours. They are friend which cannot be matched to anyone else. They lasted longer than anyone else.
My friend Rob from Maryland had left but I do not remember when. My cousin Jason left also, and like Rob, I do not know when he left.
My other cousin Mary Kay had also left. She was so devastated with Jonn’s passing. She had not spent much time with him, but in each time she saw him, he made a huge impression. It had only been a month or two before Jonn’s death when we all got together with her dad, my uncle Floyd for the last time.
Javier, Yasamin, Clayton and Sarah all hang around to see what we are going to do. My very good friend Jim, who came in his Coast Guard uniform also stayed until we all departed from the parking lot.
There were so many floral arrangements and we took as many as we could, gave many to family members, and left the rest for the next day’s worship service at church. We all packed our trucks and cars and then left for home with Javier, Clayton offering to come back to our house. I think that Yasamin and Sarah were also coming to our house.
The drive home was almost completely quiet with the exception of a few comments here and there. The most important discussion was regarding the separation of Ana and I and how it always happens that way.
We make our way home and pull into the driveway. There is a lot to unload, including serving pans of sandwiches. I wish that I had someone to direct me with the ordering of the food. It should have never been for 800 people. That was an over-expense which made the flower expense seems almost silly. My excuse is that I have never been involved with funeral arrangements, and I did not want to short change my own sons funeral. I wanted Jonn to be happy that we did not hold back for his celebration of life.
The rest of the evening is very sad. Ana’ crying is becoming louder and stronger. This is just the tip of the ice berg as I will find out in the weeks to come. We are all sad, but Ana was the one who carried Jonn for 9 months…..
When Jonn was about 5 years old, he told Ana that he loved her so much that when he grows up, he was going to marry her. He grew out of that infatuation and changed his statement to: “when I grow up, I am going to buy a house right next to yours so that I can always be right next to you.”
Ana was able to be a stay home mom with Robyn and Jonn. She regrets all of the years that she could not do that for Paul Kristy and Michelle, but situations out of her control back then made it impossible. But for Jonn and Robyn, Ana spent every day with them before school and after school. Elementary school was just down the road from our house and she often walked with them to and from school.
10 years ago, Ana started working, but her job allowed her to take Robyn and Jonn to school, then Ana would go to work, and then get off of work in time to be able to pick up Robyn and Jonn. This continued all through Jonn’s graduation.
Because of where we live and the horrific school conditions, both Robyn and Jonn received legal permission from the Los Angeles County Office of Education to transfer into the neighboring school district. Unfortunately the neighboring school district was not forced to receive us at any particular school, so in their frustration in losing the case to us, they assigned Robyn and Jonn to the furthest school from our home.
Because of Ana’s work, she was able to transfer to an elementary school near Robyn and Jonn’s school and they all drove to school every day, in the car pool lane for a 25 mile one way drive. This afforded Ana that extra time with Robyn and Jonn every day. As a senior though, Jonn often complained about being driven to school and how he wanted to drive to school himself. He said that he was always being teased about being driven to school. We prevailed however because we explained to Jonn that if he drove to school himself, he would not be able to use the car pool lane, and he would have to pay for his own gas.
Ana was able to spend more time with Jonn than most mothers spend with their children throughout their entire lives (for those who live to be old). Ana was always available for Jonn, and whenever he got in trouble, she would always say: wait until your father comes home. Ana never had to sit on the other side of the disciplinary fence as I did, and for that, the bond between Ana and Jonn was very strong.
Ana deserves to grieve the hardest for Jonn, and she deserves the most love and care over all.
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Sunday we went to church and I for some reason agreed to address the high school bible study. This is a very helpful yet painful moment for me. Ana goes to the Grief study class.
I do not remember what else we did that day.
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Monday is a fog. I guess that we stayed home all day and I begin working on the list of people who gave flowers, contributions, food…. Over the next couple of weeks, I will send out 125 thank you cards for all of the gifts (flowers, food, services, donations….), and I am sure that I still have more people to thank. I also work on the Blog site.
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Tuesday is a bad day however. This is the day that we take our final journey with Jonn (sort of).
The drive is long, and we go by ourselves, just Ana and I. Of everything that we have gone through, this is going to be the most painful moment for me.
It is an agonizing 70 mile drive. I hate this. I am crying inside, being strong for Ana, but I know that there will be a moment when I will not be able to hold it in.
Finally, we arrive at our destination. The weather has turned a bit south, just the way Jonn liked it. He loved overcast skies with it being cold and slightly windy.
I do not want to get out of the truck. I do not want to be here. I hate what we are about to do, but I muster the strength to support Ana and we enter into the mortuary.
We are greeted by a business lady, not a warm comforting lady. We state our business and she calls for our care giver. He comes out without much delay and we are introduced to his associate. They explain the process and then lead us over to the other building, the crematorium.
We walk very slowly towards the crematorium. We enter and see a large wall with the curtain drawn. The associate walks over to the wall while the other gentleman stays with Ana and I. As the curtain is drawn back, we see the container in which Jonn’s remains are resting. At that point, Ana and I fall apart. We are as close as we can be with Jonn for the last time. For me, this is the most painful thing in my life.
In 1975, I experienced a very traumatic moment in my life which still affects me today. Because of that event, I have always had a very difficult time being in confined spaces with men. If you ever watch me, you will always see me trying to keep the space behind me clear by standing close to walls or in wide open areas. I am quick to move when anyone comes near me from behind.
Shortly before Jonn was born, I was reliving that traumatic moment from 1975. I remember talking to my aunt Beth Ann one day and crying over the emotional pain that I was reliving. I confessed to her that I was scared to death to have a son and how I was even more scared having to grasp the idea of changing his diaper. Doing that would cause me to relive that trauma every time I would change Jonn’s diaper or give him a bath. This was something that was very difficult for me to deal with and I was scared to death that I could never hold my son as a father should.
I was remembering that moment of being over powered and my innocence being taken away. I feared that I would never be able to hold my son because of what I had suffered that one night in 1975 and the constant reminder of what happened. After Jonn was born, I was forced to confront my fears. I remembered how difficult it was in the beginning but over a short period of time, my fears waned and my ability to love and hold Jonn had taken root.
I was remembering that moment of being over powered and my innocence being taken away. I feared that I would never be able to hold my son because of what I had suffered that one night in 1975 and the constant reminder of what happened. After Jonn was born, I was forced to confront my fears. I remembered how difficult it was in the beginning but over a short period of time, my fears waned and my ability to love and hold Jonn had taken root.
I was able to hold Jonn and love him with all of my heart. I loved him, respected him, was extremely proud of him, and always wanted to protect Jonn from any harm. A couple of years ago, I told him what happened to me and I promised him that I would always help him, encourage him, and most of all, protect him as best as I could. I never wanted Jonn to experience what I went through.
The care giver sees Ana and I crying and I guess because he was close to me, he put his hands on my shoulder. I had never met him before and this is something that nobody is ever allowed to do. I flash back to that night in 1975 and then I flash to the fears I had before Jonn was born and the fear of wondering if i would ever be able to love Jonn the way he deserved to be loved. I wonder what went through the care givers mind when I violently jumped away from him and said in a very mean sharp voice:
“don’t ever touch me again.”
Why did I have to relive those thoughts right at that moment? Why did I have to have my two darkest hours in my life come together? It only makes this final moment with Jonn’s remains that much worse. This whole experience is beyond what any person should ever have to deal with and all of the previous negatives are all gathered together: Jonn’s death, the return travel from Hawaii, the coroner and the organ donation company, the phone call with my father, the experience looking for a new suit, the lady and her son at the funeral, Jonn’s funeral in general, the reliving of 1975 and my fears when Jonn was going to be born…..and Jonn’s cremation
Perhaps the critics of this story, which there are a few, will understand now why I have added the negative parts to this story. People are so quick to judge and cast dispersions without ever knowing what the other person is going through. Again, I am not writing to attack anyone. I am writing to tell A Father’s Story, to share what I amgoing through as a father who has lost his son.
Anyone has the right to be upset with whatever I right, but nobody has the right to ask me not to grieve my son's death and not write what I experienced, and that is exactly what I am doing through this story. If you cannot recognize that and show your love and support for me and my family, I have no problem showing you where the door is. Yep, more negativity because it is actively being projected upon me and my immediate family, 6 weeks after Jonn's death.
Anyone has the right to be upset with whatever I right, but nobody has the right to ask me not to grieve my son's death and not write what I experienced, and that is exactly what I am doing through this story. If you cannot recognize that and show your love and support for me and my family, I have no problem showing you where the door is. Yep, more negativity because it is actively being projected upon me and my immediate family, 6 weeks after Jonn's death.
Jonn knew that I would never turn my back on him or leave him all by himself whenever trouble would come along. I enjoyed being able to give him advice about life matters, and I was very much involved with his Air Force Academy applications, and his ROTC. I was always talking about Jonn, and was looking forward to seeing him grow into a great man and strong leader.
Jonn was growing up fast as a new adult and I was looking forward to all that was to come to him. I even dreamed about the future and being at the Altar with him and his future bride.
Our relationship had grown from that of a father-son relationship, to a good friend, mentor relationship. We often talked about politics, finances and of course religion. I was always telling Jonn that it is a man’s role to ensure that all women are treated with respect and to never be abusive. I also told him the importance of always defending your immediate family first and extended family next. I remember telling him once that once you are married, your wife and her feelings come before anyone else’s feelings, even if it involves your own birth family and you do not agree with your wife. Loyalty to your spouse is the most important thing to have aside from a joint relationship with God.
Jonn and I always talked about his work, his relationships, and his plans for his future. But the one thing that we never talked about was the possibility of his dying before me.
The care giver walked away and went to the glass doors. He opened them, walked into the inner room and closed the doors behind him. Ana and I sat down for a moment as we watched them raise the gurney to the height of the chamber. We stayed long enough to watch them push the container with Jonn’s remains into the chamber.
We were crying so hard and could not take it any longer. We left and walked to the van as fast as we could. This was going to take 4 hours and we are far from home. I call our church and ask if they are aware of any church in the immediate area of where we were. They give us a name and address of a local church which is only a couple of miles from where we are.
Ana and I call the church to see if we can spend some quiet time alone in the Sanctuary. We did not want to wait at a Denny’s or any place like that. Having heard why we are in the area, the church secretary tells us that we are welcome to come to their church.
As we arrive at the church, the secretary and pastor are waiting for us on the side walk. They greet us with open arms and a loving prayer. The pastor then shows us into the Sanctuary and says that while he and the secretary have to leave soon, we were welcome to stay as long as we wanted.
Ana and I stayed and prayed, sang the songs from Jonn’s funeral service and prayed again. We stayed for over 2 hours and then decided that it was time to go for a drive. It was an odd coincidence that during the drive, I spotted a place that looked like an area which had been described to me by a friend. I called him and sure enough, we were right near his house.
We stopped on in for a short visit, had some coffee, and talked about Jonn’s passing and the people whose lives he touched. My friend and his wife are both Christians and the time with them was very special. It becomes time for us to leave and head back to the mortuary, so we say our farewells and leave.
We arrived back at the mortuary and after a slight delay; we are given a temporary container which housed Jonn’s remains. I am responsible for the temporary container as I did not approve the permanent containers engravings in time. This means that we take Jonn’s remains home in the temporary container and then have to go back to the funeral home near our church to have Jonn’s remains transferred to the permanent urn.
We are again crying as his remains are handed to us. We sit for a brief period and then begin our journey back home. As we get closer to home, the skies are getting greyer and greyer and it looks like a big storm is coming, but it never materializes. The temperature is also falling and after having endless days of clear skies and warm weather, today, the day that we bring Jonn’s remains home is a day that Jonn always loved. Cold, damp, and dark, and that is how both Ana and I felt; cold, damp and dark.
Our truck, which is about to break down does not help any. With over 300 thousand miles, we are on year two without any heat inside the truck. This adds to our misery and grief.
We drive home and pull into the driveway with Jonn’s remains with us. This was never in our sights for Jonn’s future…….
