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Page 13
Written on November 24, 2011
I had to add a section on the last page, it pertains to Friday night, October 21. But I will include it here so that you do not have to go back to page 12 and read the whole thing.
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Friday October 21st
We have been so blessed to have some friends from church coming over to visit with us. This is very hard for me because I do not like people doing things for me. I will not even let anyone serve me food unless of course it is at a restaurant. I am the last to put food on a plate, and the last one to sit down. I have been like that for a long time, always wanting to make sure that everyone has enough food and a place to sit, before me. Now when it comes to someone driving over 50 miles just to come and be with us because of our grief, this is really hard for me, but I force myself to push my feelings to the side for one reason, Ana needs their company.
Val and Michelle and their daughters come to visit with us. We were friends with them before Jonn’s passing, and they had been to our house before for youth events, but this is the first time that they come to our house outside of any church event. If you recall, Val was the one who touched my heart that first Sunday after Jonn’s passing. He was the only one at the church with whom I connected with. He showed his pain for our loss in a way that no other man at church showed. We thoroughly enjoyed their visit and will enjoy many more visits with them.
That same evening, I received a call from Michael Powers, one of the other Deacons at our church. Michael lost his wife to cancer over 7 years ago and over the period of the past weeks, Michael would call me and talk about grief. Aside from the connection that I felt with Val, Michael was the only other man from our church who I felt great comfort in talking with. Val had lost his father 3 years ago and he understood grief. Michael was the same in understanding grief.
Well it just happened to be that Michael and Beverly were just up the road from where we live, so it was a double blessing to have them stop by our house, 50 miles from where they live.
There is a small collection of people who I myself feel so connected to since Jonn’s passing. Val and Michelle, Michael and Beverly, and Leah are those who I am talking about. Back to what I mentioned in page 12, where I referenced Matthew 25:31-46, they are the sheep who visit, and feed. They are living lives that are lead by the Holy Spirit. They come filled by the Holy Spirit and we again are blessed by God when they come and visit.
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Monday October 24th
Yesterday was a very hard day, but I know that many more are to come.
We are still in a search for a new/used 7 passenger vehicle with gas mileage better than our Expedition. I am using every contact, throwing out every name I can, and it is slowly paying off.
We are giving serious consideration to a Kia and using a dealership which sponsors our team from work. Every year there is a huge law enforcement relay race which runs across the desert from Baker California to Las Vegas Nevada. The owner of the dealership generously sponsors our team. It is also helpful that two other people who I know, know the owner.
With all of the dealerships where we visited, we could only stay for a short time. It is just too hard for Ana to be “living” in public. Each dealership is made aware of our situation and I inform them that at any moment, we might have to leave.
The dealership which sponsors our team is also aware of this. It is located about 40-45 miles from our home. We arrange to meet with them while taking advantage of being out near that area.
We are getting out every day, we go and have breakfast at Denny’s or IHOP, we drive over to where our church is to meet with a grief Psycologist, who is Christian and just happens to have survived the death of his daughter many years ago. So we coordinate our dealership meeting with the Doctor’s visit since the Expedition is really close to quitting on us.
At the dealership we test drove several of their 2011 used vans, but was only there long enough to test drive. Everything else was done via email. We are squared away with the credit union, and I push for the lowest price, pitting a local dealership against the other dealership. In the end, the other dealership’s owner undercuts the local dealership considerably and we make a deal.
This is very hard because the grief books, grief counselors and all say that you should not be making bid decisions immediately after the death of a loved one. Here we are getting ready to purchase a vehicle, and stop using the Expedition which we had for 7 years. 7 years of having Jonn always sitting right behind me. We are making a big purchase without Jonn, but we have to. It is a matter of survival. My only regret is that I had to throw out $600 a couple weeks before to get the Expedition running.
The Kia Sedona has less than 30k miles. It is in excellent condition. Remember that feeling I described when we were at the funeral home and how they said that everyone who comes to t he funeral home compares that dreaded feeling with buying a car. And signing all of the paper work at the dealership? I do not want to take Ana back to the dealership and then have to have her drive the van home while I am driving the Expedition home (we are going to sell it privately).
Our credit union, insurance agent, and the dealership and I all work the paper work via email. It is great having a scanner at home and this proves to be a huge blessing. But obviously there must come a point when you have to meet face to face for the vehicle exchange. And that is what we had to do, and the dealership was so accommodating. They drove the van to our house that Monday evening at around 9pm. It was so comfortable and easy to handle. No feelings of dread, not having to wait in the dealership, not having to do the drive back and forth. We now have a 2011 used van, which seats 7, blows out hot air if we want, blows out cold air if we want, has air bags all around us, and also has a 100,000 mile, 6 year warranty. I can rest easier now
Of course there are the ongoing monthly payments for now, and I am hoping that the improvement in gas mileage will help offset our monthly expenses.
The rest of the week is simply dealing with life, less visits from people now, and I am coordinating grief counseling for all of us.
The Lutheran Church Missouri Synod (LCMS) is coming through. There is a lady named Glynne who has 7 years experience as a trained counselor whom we are in contact with. We are making arrangements for her to come and visit with Ana. I am also in dialogue with one of the pastors who was part of that circle that I went through (page 11). Pastor Ron Ritter is the one who trained Glynne. 20 years ago, as a Lutheran Chaplain in the USMC, his 16 year old son died in a head on collision, just 1/4 of a mile from his house. Pastor Ritter years later went on to specialize in grief ministry.
We also learned about many different types of programs for grief which addresses death only. Grief, from all of the training which I have received, covers many topics such as: Loss of a job, loss of health which affects your overall life (loss of limbs, paralyzed, loss of hearing or sight), financial loss, housing loss (fires, earthquakes, mud slides, etc), divorce, and the death of a loved one. We need grief counseling which specifically deals with death. Unfortunately we find that with the community programs, some are once a month only and are secular. We need something for every week with a Christian base to it.
Glynne facilitates a program at her church which is used nationwide among all denominations. Don, from our old church told us about that same program in our area and we went to one of their classes the week earlier (Wednesday October 17 – I am remembering this now as I write this page). It is a 13 week program which the Baptist church in our area that is hosting this program is on week 12. It is a circular program, meaning that once they are done with week 13, they start all over. This program is called GriefShare.
We are learning more and more that what we are experiencing is very very normal for parents who lose their child, especially when there is no trauma and the death is unexpected. I will go more into this later on in this story.
With all of this taking place, I feel some relief in that there is some available help for all of us coming from the Christian community. While these programs are available, there is no doubt that the Christian community as a whole, let alone the secular community does not know how to care for those who are grieving. Stand by for a wake-up call. I am going to get a letter soon and this all is going to change.
As the week progresses, I continue to work with the fire department, police department and the coroner’s office. Regarding the coroner’s office, Jonn’s case still has not been closed. In speaking with the doctor who conducted his autopsy, she informs me that One Legacy submitted their pathology report on Jonn’s heart and returned all remaining tissue. His heart valve had been removed and will be used for a future transplant patient. The doctor tells me that from the pathology report, she is very confused and needs to speak with One Legacy’s pathologist.
She alludes to the fact that Jonn’s heart might be an enlarged heart, and from the pathologists report, she just cannot make sense out of it. She also says that she needs to look at the remaining tissue and some slides. The doctor also says that she and her boss both agree that a heart specialist, one who the coroner’s office uses from the UCLA medical center, should be brought in for a consultation. This could take a couple more weeks.
LAPD is not budging. They tell me that I need to submit an official request for the 9-1-1 call. On Friday October 28, I filed my official request to obtain a copy of the 9-1-1 call. So much for professional courtesy within the law enforcement community.
I still have not heard back from the Fire Department. On October 16th, I filed my first official complaint against LAFD. They are supposed to be conducting an internal affairs investigation. I used to be real tight with both LAPD and LAFD. What is going on?
Every day is filled with extreme crying from Ana. The grief counseling helps me to accept the fact that this is normal for the mother. Men are wired differently and any woman reading this will understand that men naturally want to fix the problems, so my grief is completely different. I want to help ease her pain and suffering, but no matter what I want to do, there is absolutely nothing that I can do other than hold her in my arms when she is crying, pray with her as often as I can, and help her to look at what God has provided, which shows that he has not abandoned us.
I want so badly to take her pain away, but I cannot.
Halloween comes and this is a sad reminder of Jonn’s absence. Every year we convert our work shop into a haunted house for a one night party for all of the grandchildren. We usually hold the party a couple weeks before Halloween, and it takes a solid week to build out the haunted house. Because of our Hawaii trip, we scrapped the idea of doing the party this year since we were supposed to be gone.
On Halloween, we are reminded of how we use to do that. The haunted house could never be successful without Jonn’s involvement. He always managed to get his friends to come and help. At the peak, I think we had as many as 10 cast and crew in the haunted house, and all but one were Jonn’s friends. Javier I tells me that he and Jonn’s friends will be here next year to be our cast and crew.
Ana and I do not want to stay in our house on Halloween so we decide to go and meet up with Kristy, who is driving up to go trick-or-treating with Michelle and her kids. Ana injured her knee a year ago, so as she is walking with Kristy and Mackenzie up the hills in one particular neighborhood, I keep the van close just in case she cannot walk any further.
It is hard for Ana to see all of the kids walking around in their costumes. As a kid, Jonn use to love dressing up in power ranger and spider man costumes. He even would wear his Sunday suit and wear black sunglasses and pretend to be Men in Black. And when it came to Halloween, it was all out for Jonn. Jonn loved to use his imagination and transform himself into a different character.
You should have seen his reaction when we was playing Men in Black and he clicked his pen to erase my memory. I spent 5 minutes on several occasions pretending not to remember who he was. He was in a panic saying Papa, I’m just playing, it’s not for real.
No Jonn, it is for real now. You are gone from our presence, but nothing could ever wipe away my memories of you. And for the first time in a couple of days, as I write this, I feel the deep loss of our son again. I do not need to see the video montage and hear the music to make myself cry. This memory is more than enough to do that.
As I write this, it is Thanksgiving morning, and I feel that I need to add this today instead of waiting until the story catches up with today. It was a week or two before Halloween when both Kristy and Michelle brought this up.
During the Halloween party, Jonn made a comment. He started talking about the Air Force Academy and he was very confident that he would be accepted into the Academy. He was so confident that at each holiday celebration, Jonn would utter the same thought with tears in his eyes. Jonn loved parties, especially family parties. The more people at the party the better. And because of his love for parties, we simply took his statements as Jonn’s way of trying to make each party bigger and better than the last. We actually laughed and said Jonn, you are so silly.
Today, Thanksgiving day we are reminded of what Jonn had said last year. Allow me to repeat what he said at Thanksgiving last year, liberally using quotes even though it is not word for word.
“This is going to be my last Thanksgiving with the family. I won’t be here next year. This time next year I will be at the Air Force Academy.” Jonn’s eyes were watering. “This is really going to be my last Thanksgiving with the family, when I come back (4 years USAF Academy and 6 years USAF), everyone will be grown up and Mia and Mackenzie will not even remember me.”
He said the same at Christmas, New Years, his birthday and Easter.
While Jonn was waitlisted for the Academy because of congressional budget cuts and class size reduction, his words are ever more true! Was God trying to prepare us? Was God using Jonn as his messenger to say that Jonn would be taken away from us?
Today, we are not following the traditions of past Thanksgivings. Just Ana and I, and all of Jonn’s siblings will be at our house. We do not want to be with anyone else, just the immediate family. For that, we are thankful that we have each other to lean on, to cry with, and to share Jonn’s love.
Today we are living the truth of what Jonn said last year: It was indeed his last Thanksgiving with the family. This year he is truly gone.
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Page 14
Written on November 26th, 2011
November 1st
November 1st
I need to get out and exercise. It is hard for me sitting around the house waiting for the time to sit with Ana when she is crying. It is hard for me to not be doing a lot of things. I have had very little opportunity to work on the property as well. It is my fault though, because I want to be at Ana’s side when she is crying. If I am out working the property, there is no way I can come to her aid.
Today I am going to give myself my own personal time. I had reached out to the men from our local bible study group and have a taker. One of the men agrees to join me on a mountain bike ride. So at 7a, we take off for a short ride. An embarrassingly short mountain bike ride!
Many pounds ago and I’m talking many many pounds, I was a bicycle racer, and before that, I was a cyclist. My forte has always been long distance. In 1986, 4 friends and I rode from Los Angeles to Boston, MA. After that 6 week vacation, my endurance shot up to a level which took me into racing. While not a race, I did a ride which was called the LA Wheelmen Grand Tour. I was the third person to finish the 215 mile ride – time 9 hours 20 minutes.
There was a ride that a couple of friends and I would do on rare occasion, and while not nearly as long as the Grand Tour, it had a lot of climbing. 165 miles, and 16,000 feet of elevation gain from Vany Nuys to Wrightwood and back. I remember near the end of one ride, we stopped in Burbank to have a Tommy’s double chili cheese burger. After that we were sprinting home the last 8 miles to my friend’s bike shop. I say sprinted because it felt as painful as a sprint at each light, but we were probably only going 15 mph. Our legs were fried after all of that climbing.
I had 5 bicycles when my cycling career ended, which occurred after a very bad crash on the Encino Velodrome. After a year of recovery which included surgery and learning how to use my right hand again, I had changed jobs, could not commute to work on my bicycle, and got married and then fat. Yep, my selfish days of spending hours on a bicycle were gone.
Of the 5 bicycles I owned, 4 were handmade. Two of the bikes (a road bike and a Tandem) were LandSharks, made by John Slawta, a local bike builder whom I knew, and two other bikes (track bike and a time trial bike) were made by my best friend of that time, who had taught John Slawta how to build bikes. I regret to say that I sold two of the bikes, my track bike and my cherished tandem. I had hopes that my kids would grow up to enjoy cycling. I feel sorry now for Robyn and Jonn because I only knew one thing, long hard rides. Something that a beginning cyclist would be turned off from.
From 1996 to 1998, I did get back into cycling for a while and was commuting one way each day to work. It was only 37 miles but it felt great to be back in the saddle again. When you consider that my commute in the truck took about 1 hour without bad traffic, my commute on the bike only added an extra hour, which I considered was my personal exercise time away from the family.
My cycling quickly came to a halt when Robyn and Jonn got involved with Karate. Wanting to be a supporting father, I hung up the bike and the hour of personal time, and watched Robyn and Jonn punch and kick each other. After a month of sitting in a chair doing nothing while they were learning Karate, I decided that I needed to get in there with them. My one concern was with my right shoulder which had been rebuilt after the Velodrome accident.
My collar bone is now attached to my first rib, and the doctors always warned me about what could happen to the nerve bunch going through the shoulder if I took a bad fall on the right side. One of the things that you are taught in Karate is how to fall forward, by tucking in your head and rolling over your shoulder. I overcame the fears and learned how to do a forward roll without causing any damage.
Karate consumed the family life to the point where Jonn received his Black Belt and was recognized in the Shorinjiryu Shindo Budo Kwai organization as the youngest person to receive a Black Belt. I earned my Black Belt as well having tested just outside of Montreal, Canada. After Jonn earned his Black Belt, he and I traveled to Montreal Canada to participate in international tournaments, which is where most of the Shorinjiryu Dojos are located.
Ana came very close to getting her Black Belt, and was just a couple of months away when we moved. In addition to our move, we were feeling a lot of pressure from the Dojo owner and head professor (Kyoshi) of all of the Shorinjiryu dojos. He did not like that I was traveling for work so much and then was training at other Dojo’s while I was on the road. Needless to say, we broke the relation, but we were very happy to see that Kyoshi and his family not only came to Jonn’s funeral, but they also contributed to the Scholarship fund and gave Ana a very beautiful house gift.
Needless to say, without cycling and karate, I grew, and grew, and grew……
You would never use a Ferrari to carry a ton of rocks, which is why I suggested the mountain bike ride. The cycling community, physics teachers, Tom and Ray Magliozzi from NPR’s car talk, have all been able to have court orders issued to me to never get on a handmade road bike until a lose at least 400 pounds. One step on the pedals and the frame will be twisted like a pretzel. You see, cyclist protect the bikes over everything else. Because of that court order, I am only allowed to use my cheap, 25 year old, $300 mountain bike which weighs nearly as much as I do. But the county of LA has issued me a warning citing the law of physics:
mass + more mass + plus forward motion + downhill speed = quadrupled stopping time + damage to the road after I crash and make a meteor size crater in the road.
It feels great to be on the bike. Lou and I ride for a short distance. Aside from the phone calls from Michael and spending time with Val, this is my first real time being away from Ana and my first real time to grieve Jonn’s death alone. It does not take long for me to start shedding a few tears as I am riding and talking with Lou. The darn problem is, crying while cycling up hill is impossible. You can only do one or the other. My heart needs the exercise so I hold back the tears, but still, it feels great.
This only lasts a couple of days however beause I begin to feel very guilty for enjoying the rides and exercise while knowing that Ana is in deep excruciating emotional pain and I am not there to put my arms around her. It is not fair for her that I am having brief moments of enjoyment while she is in deep despair over Jonn’s death.
That evening of 11/1/11, after our doctor’s visit in Arcadia, Ana and I step into a new world. For the first time since Jonn’s death, we are going over to someone else’s house. Ana has not been able to go to her parents after the first time at t heir house, and Ana is unable to go to anyone else’s house where we had gone with Jonn. We are going to Val and Michelle’s house. Over the few visits at our house, which one included Leah and a return visit from Beverly and Michael again, we feel very close with them, all of them that is. This visit at Val and Michelle’s is a huge step for Ana.
It is a very nice dinner with Val, Michelle and Allison, one of their daughters. We spend quiet time talking, but without much of a warning, Ana needs to get up and go into a room by herself. She then calls Kristy to see how she is doing. Not good. She then calls Michelle to see how she is doing. Michelle (daughter) was going to pick up Robyn from work, but she did not want to go back to the house to wait all alone. Ana feels bad for Michelle and adding how Ana was feeling at the moment, we instantly have to excuse ourselves. I feel bad for Val and Michelle because they are such a loving welcoming couple and we have to abandon them so fast.
Even though we leave after being there for about 2 hours, it is a comfort for me to know that there is a place near the church where we can go and spend time with friends and Ana feels safe.
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Wednesday November 2nd, 2011
Ana, Kristy, Michelle, Robyn and I attend the weekly GriefShare class at the local Baptist church. They have completed the 13 week course and are holding a special session called Surviving the Holidays. The video presentations are well done and there are many people who talk about their first and second sets of holidays. When the video is over, we break up into groups again and talk about our own lives. Our group is for parents who have lost a child, of course.
We all discuss what we are going to do. For previous Thanksgivings, Paul and his family would normally go to Susie’s family for dinner. Michelle and her family would normally go to Luis’ family. Kristy and her family would spend time at Jeffrey’s dad’s house and then meet up with wherever we are. This would be with all of Ana’s extended family and the dinner would either be at her parent’s house, our house, or in the case of last year, at Nancy’s house.
Ana sets the direction right now and she has made it clear that she only wants to be with her own kids and their families. She still cannot go to her parent’s house because of all of the memories of being there with Jonn. I support her in this decision as does Paul, Kristy and Michelle. They will all be at our house for Thanksgiving, breaking previous traditions. The two lingering questions are, when will Ana tell her parents about this decision, and what will we do on the day before Thanksgiving?
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Thursday November 3rd, 2011
The next day turns out to be a busy day.
I contact the hospital as they have not called me back since that one Friday when they called, asking to speak with Jonn. I call them because I need to take care of the hospital bill. I also try to pay for the Fire Department bill for the Paramedic services, but the person at the Fire Department billing office wants to play 20 questions with me, just so that I can pay the bill.
What is your son’s address? Heaven. He died because the paramedics could not get to him in time.
I am sorry to hear that sir. What is the address where your son lived. The same one that is on the bill, you do have a copy of the bill correct?
Yes, but I need you to verify the address. Look, I just want to give you the insurance information and my credit card number. But I verify the address anyway.
What is your son’s date of birth? Look can’t I just give you the insurance and credit card information? I really do not want to give out all of these questions about my son who has died because LAFD could not get to the scene on time.
Sir, you need to answer these questions, it’s the HIPPA law. So I give her Jonn’s DOB even though I am not asking about Jonn’s health information, which is what HIPPA is all about.
Sir, where did you son receive our services? And then I hang up.
Coincidentally right after that phone call, I receive a call from the LA City Fire Department, finally. Well, here is how it actually happened. I had not received any calls from them so earlier that morning, I called their internal affairs division and asked to speak with whoever was handling my case. The captain who was assigned to my case was not in so I left a message for her boss.
It is her boss who calls me and he assures me that they have received my official complaint. They assigned it to the captain and have already initiated an internal affairs investigation. The Chief whom I speak with is very helpful and I feel encouraged, especially when I tell him about the billing questions. I ask if he could help. I provide him with our insurance information and credit card number, and tell him that I do not want to answer questions. I just want to pay the bill.
And now for the stupid phone call to the coroner’s office. This is not to speak with the doctor, but to speak with their billing section. Yep, I received a bill from the coroner which our insurance company does not cover. So I have to pay the coroner, for their services, for which they permitted One Legacy to recover Jonn’s heart before an autopsy could be performed and the coroner’s office cannot give us a completed death certificate so that we can file the life insurance claim, because the coroner’s office who is billing us, could not perform an autopsy on Jonn’s heart because they permitted One Legacy to recover Jonn’s heart……..
Yes, I wrote that intentionally as a loop because it shows what true governmental fraud is. But of course the billing department does not understand this. They just want our money. Let’s see, incomplete autopsy, no heart, no completed death certificate, no money. How’s that?
That afternoon we receive a nice visit from Javier, Clayton and Kurt. They stay for about an hour and a half. Yasamin was coming over for dinner with us, and it felt odd that they were coming separate. Upon Yasamin’s arrival, Javier, Clayton and Kurt left.
Their visits are becoming less frequent. Sarah appears to have vanished from our lives. We do not know what happened. We miss her company.
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Friday November 4th
I am reminded that on Saturday October 16th, Rhazlynn, one of Jonn’s friends, had come to our house for breakfast. Rhazlynn and Jonn had, on about a dozen times, met for breakfast and she wanted to continue the tradition of having those morning breakfasts with Jonn through family. The first breakfast was a very short visit and since we really did not know Rhazlynn, it felt a little awkward at first. She came all by herself. I did not want to give her the 20 question test just to learn about her and I did not want to make her feel uncomfortable either. After the breakfast was over, we agreed to set a date for a future breakfast where she and Jonn would always meet. November 5th at IHOP of course.
Rhazlynn sends me a message on FB and advises that since so many people are taking their SAT’s the next morning, she would like to reschedule the IHOP breakfast for the following Saturday. This works out just fine for me and my schedule.
Steve, a good friend had stopped by on October 27th to visit with me. He was having a stressful time with work and wanted to visit. He also wanted to visit and spend time with me because of Jonn. While at the house that Thursday, I confided with Steve that I have not had a chance to grieve properly. I explained how I felt that I could only grieve late at night because I had to be strong for the family while they were awake. I shared with Steve many of my concerns, including the problem with our pump house.
For you suburbanites who have city water and can just turn your tap on and have water flowing out, appreciate that fact because here is what we live with in rural Los Angeles. Our water does not come from the aqueduct and the city’s water system. Our water comes from underground. Most homes out here only have one well, and in some cases, their wells are dry, which requires trucking in the water. The majority of people out here (98 percent) do not have enough water flow coming out of their well for “on-demand-pumping”. If you ever come out here and look around, you will see that everyone has at least 1 large grey tall tank (reservoir) on their property. We pump water into the reservoir, which is our water supply for the house. From there, the water flows through a pump which maintains the water a constant pressure in the house.
Now if we lose electricity, we pretty much lose any water on the 2nd floor of the house because the second floor is perhaps a little higher than the reservoir (no electricity means gravity fed water.). The first floor will have gravity fed water, but with very low pressure. Once the 2500 gallon reservoir is emptied, we are without water until the electricity is restored. Thankfully we have never been without electricity for that long of a period.
When the first well was drilled and completed, the previous owner poured a concrete slab to house the pressure pump and pressure tank which are located right at the well head. During a deep freeze one year, everyone’s plumbing in Agua Dulce froze at the exposed well head. Doing the right thing, the previous owner built a shed on the concrete slab to insulate the exposed plumbing. The wrong thing however is that the 4’ slab, which was sitting on the side of a very gentle slope, which did not have any rebar, which now supported a building for insulation purposes looked good. Well it looked good until during rain storms, the slight slope permitted undermining of the soil on the downhill site of the concrete slab. Now when the pressure tank bladder popped, it no longer was able to hold air, and the tank willed up with water. 60 gallons is very heavy, and when that weight sits on the corner of the slab, which does not have any support under it, and there is no rebar in the concrete, the slab snaps in half.
This happened 3 years ago, and I jacked up the building by myself, excavated the foundation, jack up the building a little more and placed a bunch of concrete blocks under the slab. I then bought 2 steel “EYE” beams and bolted the two halves of the slab together using the “eye” beams as the tie. It was then just a matter of finding a way to pour a new concrete footing for the existing slab. I needed someone who would guarantee that the foundation would hold.
My concern was that any slight earthquake and the supporting blocks and the slab could easily shift. If the building and slab topple over, our plumbing from the well and the plumbing to t he reservoir and the plumbing to the house would be destroyed. To redo the well at a depth of 400’ would be around $20,000.
This all happened back when gas was near $5/gallon and we were spending gas money like there was no end. As long as the blocks held, our finances had to go to more important things but for 3 years, I have been worrying about our water future.
Steve looked at the foundation and understood the seriousness of our problem. Steve suggested that I eat humble pie and ask for help. Remember now, I will not let people put food on my plate and I always sit down after everyone has been seated, and will be the last one to walk through a doorway. I do not let people do things for me unless I can pay them what they would normally charge someone else for. I tell this to Steve and he tells me, “dude, you need the help, you need to just tell people what happened and that you cannot afford it”. You need to swallow your pride and ask for help. He explains how he had to do the same thing. His words and emotions as he described his present situation starts chipping at my wall.
I told him that I can’t, and then all of a sudden, I breakdown and say out loud “I cannot handle this anymore.” Jonn’s grief is just too hard to hold it in. It is a short burst I release some of the pain, and this is one of the few people whom I will let put their hand on my back our shoulder, and Steve does just that.
I do not have to worry now about Ana driving by herself to IHOP. Steve had arranged to come up on Saturday with a friend to help re-excavate the foundation, jack up the building again as the ground had settled a little bit and form up the new foundation to receive the concrete. The cancellation of the IHOP breakfast was just one less thing to worry about.
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Saturday November 5th, 2011
Steve shows up and we work together in the brisk morning with a temperature of 45 degrees. Steve, who is a superintendant/foremen for a construction company says that the concrete guy was unable to come up and set the forms. He says that the two of us can do it together. But I make certain that he knows that he cannot touch a shovel. I will do all of the digging, excavating, jacking and he simply supervises. It feels good to do some manual labor. Sitting around in the house has been a physically deteriorating due to zero physical activity. Remember the guilt that I feel when enjoying physical exercise while Ana is crying. I need an excuse for exercising without it being fun.
We finish the pump house preparations and Steve and I talk for a long time. I enjoy Steve’s company and the relief I get in talking with him.
That evening, Michelle brings home a 1000 piece puzzle. This will become the first of several puzzles we work on and complete. Of course we do not complete it in one sitting.
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Sunday November 6th, 2011
All Saints Sunday in the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod is recognized on the 1st Sunday after Halloween. Throughout the week, Ana mentioned that she did not want to go, and I supported her position. I told her that I wanted to go and would not have any problem if she did not come with me. I did suggest that she come to church with me and then perhaps at the specific time, she could walk out of the Sanctuary and return afterwards. It was something that she considered and on Sunday morning, Ana got dressed and went with Robyn and I to church.
I led the youth group again, and Ana came into the youth class this one and only Sunday. I was glad to see her there. After bible study, we went into the Sanctuary and ensured that we had enough seating for Paul’s family, like we do every Sunday. We saw the bulletin before the church service started and that is when the first wave of emotions came upon us. All through the service, it was hard for every one of us, and then the moment came.
All Saints Sunday is when the church remembers everyone who went to Heaven over the past year. The service includes a slide show, showing everyone’s picture. As each picture is shown, the person’s name is read, the bell rings once, the congregation says the written prayer for that person, and the family goes up and lights a candle. I counted the number of names before Jonn’s name. There were nine of them. As each name was read, I counted down, never looking at the pictures on the video screen. With #1 being read, I knew the next name would be Jonn’s name.
Pastor: Jonn Flath, September 23rd, 2011
The Bell Rings
His ROTC picture is being displayed on the screen
Ana, Robyn Paul and I stand up and start walking to the front. We are all crying so hard and I hear other people crying after Jonn’s name was said.
.
Pastor: In My Father’s house are may rooms. I go to prepare a place for you.
Congregation: I will come back and take you to be with Me that you also may be where I am (John 14:2-3)
We wait for those in front of us to light their candles and then it is our turn. Each one of us, Ana, Paul, Robyn and I light a candle for Jonn.
We make our way back to the pew. In all, 14 names have been read. In all, Jonn is the only one under 45 years old who was taken to Heaven. Of the 14 names, 12 were over 60 years old. Jonn’s picture stood out among all others because of his age and youthful appearance.
It is also Holy Communion Sunday. Can this day be any harder for us? This for me has been harder than the funeral mainly because I did not have to coordinate or worry about preaching. But this is a day that I had to endure. Jonn would have done the same for me if our roles were reversed.
I am reminded by the thoughts and comments of others whom we have heard from and this is the week that they say what I had posted in page 10. It is the week of All Saints Sunday when they make their comments and below is that post:
Ana was told today (11/10/11) by a Christian friend that she has grieved long enough and that she needs to stop crying. This person told Ana that she needs to be strong now and that she needs to get out into the public and go to the stores and start taking control of your life…..You should be over it by now…..!
Kristy was asked today: When are you going to move on with your life?
Well, we do get on with our lives. We are getting out and are doing things every day. What makes people say these stupid things anyway? What makes them think that we are just sitting in a dark room crying endlessly over Jonn’s death?
Yes, grief care within the Christian community is the worst. I wish that I could stick their hand in a fire for 30 seconds and then say to them, “just pray to God, He will take your pain away”, or “you need to get right with God and have a stronger faith because you are not accepting his will. Once you accept his will you will not feel the pain from having burned your hand”.
Yes, I know that comparing a skin burn is nothing in comparison to losing your child. or something that goes against the natural life of parents dying at an old age, well before the child dies. But when people say that you should be over it by now, less than 2 months after our son has died, or that you need to take all of Jonn’s belongings, pack them up and either hide them or get rid of them, it is obvious that they have never experience the death of a child, especially one who was around for over 18 years.
When God tells us to trust in Him and to give all of our cares and worries to Him, God himself does not come and take our pain away. He takes away our pain through others:
Matthew 25:31-46
The Sheep and the Goats
31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
There are a very select few who have distanced themselves from Ana which at this point, I do not see how the damage can be undone. They are the ones who have intentionally stayed away from her for reasons which cannot be justified if they are truly Christians. There are the others who have insisted that Ana get right with God and accept His will.
Ana received a call last night (11/25/11) from a relative who scolded her and told her to take all of Jonn’s belongings except for one picture and get rid of everything. This same relative scolded Ana for crying and not accepting God’s will and for not getting on with her life. But this same relative was unaware that Ana has many hours each day without crying and that Ana gets out of the house and has even driven by herself and stopped in at her work (more on that in the next page). This same relative has never been married or have any children. She does not know the pain of losing a child,
People are so quick to judge when they themselves do not even bother to sit and hold Ana’s hand. And the same goes for the treatment which Paul, Kristy, Michelle and Robyn have received, or in truth, not received. They lost their brother, yet hardly anyone has come to hold their hand and listen to them cry.
On that Sunday, the bell rang for Jonn. We lit candles for Jonn, we received Holy Communion, and continued living, while feeling the emptiness of Jonn’s physical absence.
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Written on November 26th, 2011
Matthew 7
Judging Others
1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged”.
Do I ever need a lesson in hypocrisy! The letter actually came last week, but I really needed to build myself up as the hypocrite in the previous page. With all of the pain that we have been going through, it is now time for me to expose my failures.
Pastor sent me a letter in support of our annual Love Fest. It is a weekend long program where on Saturday, a whole variety of sessions are held which cover sexual purity, STD’s, teen pregnancy, bullying, language, among many other. We had over 1,000 people at our church last year coming from as far away as Canada. For the past 3-4 years, I have been leading a session on Internet Safety, and it is a very big eye opener for both parents and teens. Of course I hold separate classes for parents and teens.
Pastor’s letter the week before was a letter asking me to teach a class on Grief. I was offended that he did not ask me face to face, but having the mean and mad look for which I am known for carrying, perhaps he was afraid I would punch him or something (that is a joking comment there).
Well I was a bit upset for a couple of hours and was saying to Ana, how could he think I could lead a grief class so soon after Jonn’s death? After I had absorbed his question and processed it, I started thinking and was wondering how I could do this? What did he want me to do?
I approached pastor on that All Saints Sunday and gave him my mean scary look, harassed him about being a chicken and not coming face to face, and then I smiled. I asked him what was it that he expected from me for the class? Did he want me to lead a class for those who were grieving? Did he want me to lead a class to teach people how to be counselors? What did he want me to do? And what happened to my Internet Safety class?
Pastor said that he had been receiving feedback about the high school class and he wanted me to reach out to a larger group. He said that the Internet Safety class was still on if I wanted to teach it as well.
So with that said, I began thinking over the next couple of weeks about what the class will be like and how I will use what we have been going through, what has been said, done, not said and not done. During this time, I was also preparing my sermon for Monday October 21st, and planning on using the Gospel lesson for that night. That is when I was hit smack dab in the head like a falling satellite landing right on top of me. I know what I need to do for the Grief Class and who the targeted audience is.
Here I am complaining about the way people have been treating Ana, Paul, Kristy, Michelle and Robyn, complaining about how people are running away from us or saying such hurtful things. Ana reminds me of what she had said to my cousin Laura 9 years ago when she and her sisters were visiting months after the sister passed away and how she feels now about what she said. I remember all of the people at my work or at our church who lost someone to a death of some sort.
I remember that I had been just like everyone I have been complaining about. I was absent to all of those who needed comfort. I realized this in the second half of the Gospel lesson:
Matthew 25:41-46
41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”
Exactly! When did I give food or water or visit someone who was in need. I have judged others this whole time, and now I deserve the same judgment that I have been using against everyone else. And what I see is that I am just as guilty as the others if not more so, because I judged without ever being righteous myself. So now I hold the title of chief hypocrite.
I know that Jesus forgives my sins, but now I need to ask all of those whom I have ignored and failed to visit or feed to forgive me. I am so sorry. I could not understand your pain? I could not comprehend your loss. I failed all of you, as a Christian, as one who is called to help love and serve those who are in need. I assumed that because of your faith, that it would be enough to get you through your dark times.
And now I know what I need to do at LoveFest. I know who the target audience is and what needs to be taught. I know that the message of Love, as God calls us to love needs, to be shown.
LoveFest 10, look out because I am coming stronger than ever this year and I am bringing Jonn with me.
And now for the rest of the week……
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November 7th, 2011
This is the day that Robyn officially drops her classes at college. She has to submit a petition so that she is not gigged for not completing a class and asks if her payment for the classes could be added to the spring semester. Along with her petition, Robyn has to turn in a copy of Jonn’s death certificate. We still do not have one, but we use the one which shows that his case has been deferred.
While we are at her college and right before we take her to work, I ask Ana if it is alright if we go and visit someone. We had never met them before but I needed to go and speak with them. This was something that came to me before the above mentioned revelation, not that it counts now.
The day before, on our way to church, we saw that the freeway was backed up real bad. Taking the back roads, we skirted around the accident. We later found out that the accident was a single car accident with a 20 year old boy who graduated from Robyn and Jonn’s high school (Robyn’s class) and attended at the same college. Brandon had been in the Air Force ROTC at their high school, but while in college, he transferred over to the Marines ROTC. That Sunday morning, Robyn and Jonn’s friends who also were friends with Brandon experienced their second loss in less than 2 months.
I wanted to go to that family and express our condolences in a way that the majority of people could not express. We knew how they were feeling. We were able to understand their grief and wanted to extend our sympathy and offer God’s love….. I wanted them to know that they are not suffering alone.
That same day, LAPD sent me an email and called me to inform me that they have located the 9-1-1 recording. In order to obtain a copy of it, I need to submit a court order if I want a copy. That is not what I want to hear so I ask a few more questions and learn the following:
The 9-1-1 call was placed at 1601 hrs and received by LAPD. Upon determining the nature of the call, LAPD hands off the 9-1-1- call to LAFD. LAPD’s recording system does not record the LAFD portion of the call.
And now I need to ask LAFD for a copy of the recording…….
That same day, Paul decides that he and Susie want to have Madison to be baptized at our church. At first, we think about my baptizing her when I preach on the 21st. That quickly changes because Paul and Susie want Ana and I to be the God-parents. That would be difficult for me to stand while wearing my vestments and ask myself if I am willing to ensure that Madison is properly brought up in God’s word. How can I rightfully have an open conversation with myself, in front of the church and be taken seriously. After speaking with the pastor, it is decided that the Baptism will be performed on 11/27/11 during the 10:45am service. This is very exciting for all of us, and we give thanks to God for His blessings.
During the week, we continue to receive cards in the mail. We went 45 days receiving cards every day and then with a couple of single day breaks during the next 2 weeks, we continue to receive cards and emails.
There are a number of people whom we did not have relationships with before, or during the past year, and these people are just surprising us with their loving words and continuous support:
Robin, the Colonel’s wife. She offers such kind and loving words. We need to get with her and her husband and have some fellowship time.
Kelly, whose husband gave me a spiritual jump start back in Jonn’s Boy Scout days (I still hold his friendship in high esteem even though we do not get together any more). Kelly has been reaching out to Ana and is extending God’s love in a beautiful way. As of this writing, Kelly lost her step father a day before Thanksgiving. She and her family need our prayers)
Tamara, whose daughter dated Jonn for a brief time, and while they never went to the same school, Scott and Tamara continue to extend the grace of God to Ana and our family.
Janet, whom we have known since the 1994 earthquake, when we attended the same church. Janet, who lost her son just before birth sent Ana the most beautiful letter and came and spent many hours with Ana.
Glynne, who has been coming to visit and calling Ana on a regular basis. She is the one from the Lake Arrow Head church which is a long drive to our house.
Alicia and Lilly, Ana’s cousin’s who continuously call her and express their Godly love, care and support.
Donna from Church, who calls Ana quite a bit and prays with her.
Leah from church who also calls and prays for Ana.
Paula from Church, who calls and prays with Ana
Carol from church, who continues to reach out to Ana.
All have been providing Ana with such wonderful love and support and I cannot begin to express how grateful we are for their continued outreach and forgive me as I know I am missing some names right now.
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Tuesday November 8, 2011
We are heading to Arcadia again to meet with the Christian doctor, the one who lost his daughter many years ago.
Many wonder if Ana ever gets out of the house. Every day, ever since the beginning, there are days when we have been out for 8 hours or more, but no matter where we are, her grief remains very active. We have gone to Targets, the Mall (I will not go back there for a very long time now). She has driven Robyn to work, stopped in at her work to quickly visit with her boss. She has gone into stores on her own, and we have also eaten at two of our favorite restaurants. One is the Thai restaurant which we always went with Robyn and Jonn. We have eaten at many more restraurants during this whole time, and this shows that Ana is living, moving forward, even though her grief is so consuming.
Each new step is very painful for all of us, and more for Ana. Remember, Ana carried Jonn for 9 months and then spent nearly every single day with him, having had more hours with him than most mothers would have with their child. The only exception would be a mom who home schools her children.
Ana's grief is improving, although she does not see it. She experiences longer periods between the crying and her crying on a regular basis is becoming shorter. She does experience deeper and longer moments, but overall she is appearing to be getting emotionally stronger for the moment. Her appetite is all but gone and she has lost at least 15 pounds. I worry about her and on the days that she does not eat, her grief is amplified expoentially. We all tell her that she has to force herself to eat, even when she does not want to.
Ana's grief is improving, although she does not see it. She experiences longer periods between the crying and her crying on a regular basis is becoming shorter. She does experience deeper and longer moments, but overall she is appearing to be getting emotionally stronger for the moment. Her appetite is all but gone and she has lost at least 15 pounds. I worry about her and on the days that she does not eat, her grief is amplified expoentially. We all tell her that she has to force herself to eat, even when she does not want to.
After the doctors visit, we head on over to Val and Michelle’s house again for lasagna. It is another very nice dinner with them and I wonder what the world would be like if everyone was like them. Ana feels very comfortable at their house again, and like the week before, Ana has a time limit and we do not stay long.
The week progresses and small events unfold. The upcoming Saturday will be Brandon’s “Celebration of Life” and while they are there, Yasamin and Corrine both send us a text and express the difficulties that they are experiencing at Brandon’s gathering. The do not feel comfortable and only stay for a short while. They did not know Brandon as well as they knew Jonn and his brings Jonn’s passing right back up to the top.
As the week comes to an end, I am reminded that the trip to Honolulu is finally in full swing. All protectees will be on the Island by Saturday. The event will be over by Sunday night, and the team that I was going to supervise would be doing a mad rush to get everything packed in 5 days, and be off the island by the following weekend.
Unfortunately for my best friend at work, he and I were suppose to be able to spend 9 weeks together, and having left him at the end of week 1, Jamie and all of his hard work is tossed to the side on week 8. He tore his left bicep and heads back to South Carolina. All of that work only to miss out on the two big days. His return flight is through Texas because of the urgency to get him home and have surgery.
I was hoping that I could see Jamie on his way back to South Carolina as he would have otherwise flown through Los Angeles. I know that one day, Jamie and I will be able to see each other again and share some good stories about Jonn in person……
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Saturday November 12th, 2011
Because of a mix up with the concrete company, we do not pour concrete for the pump house. This means that I can join Ana at IHOP with Rhazlynn. Along with Rhazlynn, Adam, Adam, Kalie and Sabrina show up. I enjoyed talking with them and look forward to more times with them. We learn about Jonn and his friends. After 30 minutes or so, Ana feels the pain set in and we have to bid a rapid farewell. I hope that we get to see them again. …………..
Monday November 15th, 2011
The doctor from the coroner’s office calls. She informs me that the death certificate has been finalized and the coroner’s report lists Jonn’s death as “unknown cause”. She says that the report was actually completed on the 11th. She also goes on to say that there are problems with the way things have been handled and that if she had been assigned the case, One Legacy would never have been permitted to recover Jonn’s heart. I learn who the on-call doctor was at the coroner’s office and request the chief coroner to explain how Dr. Carpenter permitted such an egregious error. To date, I have not heard a response.
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Tuesday, November 16th, 2011
The Captain from LAFD internal affairs contacts me and informs me of her investigation. I recommend that she contacts the Colonel at the AF-ROTC unit. I inquire about the 9-1-1 recording and she gives me good guidance.
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Wednesday, November 17th, 2011
I receive a call from LAFD that the 9-1-1 recording has been located and I am able to pick up my copy of the entire recording. I did not expect this to happen so fast. I am not prepared to run to downtown LA to pick up the recording. I decide to wait. I will pick it up on 11/28/11 when I return to work for the first time since Jonn’s death. On that same day, Ana will return to her work for the first time as well.
We have been together since Jonn’s death and I have not been away from her for nothing longer than 2 hours (mountain bike ride).
Our anxiety is rising. I am preaching on 11/21/11, Jonn’s 2 month anniversary is on 11/23/11, Thanksgiving is on 11/24/11, and we go back to work on 11/28/11. This next week will be the test of our faith, the testing of our love and patience for each other, and the test of family unity…….
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